CKO Logo idea

This is a rough version of an idea someone had for a CKO logo for Augusta/Franklin. Click on the image for full size.

 



 

You Shouldn’t Read This if You Have the Following Medical Conditions...

Shortly after the premiere of their sitcom “My Name is Earl,” NBC introduced a marketing campaign so annoying that I had to change the radio station any time that it came across the airwaves. The premise of the advertisements was that we were supposed to be listening in on a normal conversation that several co-workers were having on their lunch break. I can’t recall the exact wording, but it went something like this:

“Have you guys seen that new show on NBC with Jason Lee?”

“You mean that guy from the movies? I love him!”

“Yeah, he’s so funny in this show! Let me tell you what the show is about...”

As you can see, this “conversation” is about as believable as the questions in Parade magazine. “I just love that Dennis Quaid! Can you tell me what he’s up to?” “I loved Baby Geniuses Two, is it too much to hope that number three is in the works?”

Unfortunately, this advertising technique has spread to television. The first example that comes to mind is the television spot for the birth control pill Yaz. For those lucky few that haven’t seen it, this ad takes the viewer inside a perfectly natural conversation among a group of friends who are discussing this new birth control pill that one of them heard about.

In an amazing stroke of luck, one of them just happens to be a doctor and is able to provide them with the details of the pill’s effects. Apparently, she is not only a doctor, but she also happens to be a lawyer for the company that makes the pill, because she is able to discuss all the side effects that one might encounter in the course of taking this wonderful medicine. For example, her friends shouldn’t take it if they have certain medical conditions, such as (oh, just off the top of my head) cardiovascular disease, which my friends and I often refer to in the course of our conversations.

“Hey man, what’s going on? Have you talked to your doctor about that pain in your leg?”

“Yeah, he gave me something to take. I think it’s called Balflix or something like that.”

“Wow, I heard about that medication! I’ve heard you shouldn’t take it if you have certain medical conditions such as chronic lung disease, advanced HIV or AIDS, or if you’re pregnant or may become pregnant.”

“Wow thanks! I wish my doctor knew this stuff! Thank God I have you, friend!”

Another advertising trend that is growing ever more irritating is the “unnecessary foreign accent.” At first, a spokesman with a refined British accent was employed to imply that the product in question is normally discussed during tea by the Queen of England. Unfortunately, in the same way that “Survivor” spawned such trash as “Boy Meets Boy,” uncreative ad execs decided that if they couldn’t come up with a new and innovative campaign, hiring some foreign guy will do quite nicely.

The majority of you have likely been subjected to the inanity of the new cable ad in which not one, but three foreign guys dance around and speak with an unintelligible foreign accent. The creators of this ad have bravely bucked the long-standing maxim that a potential client should be able to understand a product pitch. When an advertisement reminds me of the three dancing scissor-wielding nihilists from “The Big Lebowski,” I’m not likely to want to buy that product.

Finally, a special section of hell must have been created for whoever is responsible for the latest series of Verizon commercials. First of all, if you are a sweaty Cro-Magnon man that I don’t know, please don’t accost me and place your sweaty ear buds in my ears, stating that I must hear this new song. Based on your appearance, there is a good chance that I will get some kind of infection, and I don’t want to have to ask my doctor what medication I should take to counteract it. I don’t want to play “side-effects roulette.” You see, my friend said that medication may cause increased urination, heart attacks or a stroke.

You Shouldn’t Read This if You Have the Following Medical Conditions...

Shortly after the premiere of their sitcom “My Name is Earl,” NBC introduced a marketing campaign so annoying that I had to change the radio station any time that it came across the airwaves. The premise of the advertisements was that we were supposed to be listening in on a normal conversation that several co-workers were having on their lunch break. I can’t recall the exact wording, but it went something like this:

“Have you guys seen that new show on NBC with Jason Lee?”

“You mean that guy from the movies? I love him!”

“Yeah, he’s so funny in this show! Let me tell you what the show is about...”

As you can see, this “conversation” is about as believable as the questions in Parade magazine. “I just love that Dennis Quaid! Can you tell me what he’s up to?” “I loved Baby Geniuses Two, is it too much to hope that number three is in the works?”

A few random musings

So I was driving today, and we passed a sign on the highway that said "Speed enforced by aircraft". It's probably just me (it usually is), but does anyone else have a mental image of an F-16 coming down and blowing up some car on the highway?

I go even further and picture a scene like this in some control bunker somewhere:

"Red team, do you copy? I have a report of a red Mazda Miata California plate Echo Victor Foxtrot one six niner on interstate 5 going ninety five miles per hour. We have orders to terminate this vehicle. There can be no room for error. This is not a drill, I say again, this is not a drill. Godspeed."

Also, it was nice of the Giants to show up today. No, they played really great. If you're a Carolina fan...

My secret? I throw up to lose weight!

Isn't it great that right about the time that US Weekly proclaims on their cover that inside is "Lindsay Lohan's dieting secret", it comes out that she was bulemic?

I'm shocked. Shocked I tell you. I never saw that one coming. I guess all last year she was telling the truth when she said she was eating well. She just neglected to mention how long the food would stay in her body.

I love IMing

I like to think that I have some pretty funny IM conversations. And since I'm bored and have nothing else to post, here is one... The other name has been changed, to protect something or other.

[22:02] jimmy’s friend: you still golf

[22:02] jimmy’s friend: ?

[22:03] drevil877: i haven't had time lately

[22:03] drevil877: i have a free round for 2 with a cart at the Bonita course whenever I can

[22:04] jimmy’s friend: im going for the first time in 10 years, next week

[22:04] drevil877: wow

[22:04] drevil877: let me know how it turns out

[22:04] jimmy’s friend: its going to be ugly

[22:04] jimmy’s friend: but itll be fun

[22:04] drevil877: i heard that the trick is to not take a lot of swings

[22:05] jimmy’s friend: ha

[22:05] drevil877: and to hit it straight

[22:05] drevil877: and far, except when putting

[22:05] jimmy’s friend: im going to practice my slice

[22:05] drevil877: awesome

[22:05] jimmy’s friend: yup

[22:05] drevil877: i can slice the shit out of the ball

[22:06] drevil877: it's my best shot

[22:06] jimmy’s friend: yeah i plan on using mine to its full advantage

[22:06] drevil877: i find it's best to line up at a 90 degree angle

[22:06] drevil877: with the hole on your right

Today's burning question: Am I the only one that was shocked when Brooke Shields said she was pregnant again?

Seriously, am I the only one that thinks that maybe this isn't such a great idea?

Have baby.
Get severe post-partum depression
Make lots of money selling book about post partum depression
Immediately have another baby.

Is she just using this baby to set up a book franchise thing? "Down came the rain...again!" And this time it's pouring!

I'll leave you with this quote:

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life." - Brooke Shields.

Hey Brooke, Depression can kill.  If you're killed, you've lost a very important chance to
make money.

Fat? Skinny? It doesn't matter, you're still not hot

Today's fun fact: 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide
are caused by people sitting on them
and photocopying their butts.

Today's installment of "Hot Chicks that Aren't Hot" goes back to a simpler life. Don't worry, you'll be seeing Miss Richie's co-star appearing in a future installment of HCTAH.

Nicole Richie burst onto the world's stage as a chubby girl whose only discernable talent was sharing chromosomes with Lionel Richie. Had Mr. Richie not been too busy dancing on the ceiling to use protection, the world would be a much less annoying place.

Yet, even due to the lack of talent, Nicole has forged a career by managing to get her picture in nearly every tabloid every week. Incredibly, the paparazzi's cameras still function after snapping picture after picture of picture of that hideous mug. When her show was cancelled, Richie decided to lose weight, causing her to be both ugly and ridiculously thin. Still the supermarket magazines insist on trying to convince America that she is attractive.

One wonders how Richie manages to be photographed constantly regardless of her freakish appearance. My hypothesis involves a pen, paper, and Lucifer.

Fat? Skinny? It Doesn't Matter, You're Still Not Hot

Today's fun fact: 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide
are caused by people sitting on them
and photocopying their butts.

Today's installment of "Hot Chicks that Aren't Hot" goes back to a simpler life. Don't worry, you'll be seeing Miss Richie's co-star appearing in a future installment of HCTAH.

Nicole Richie burst onto the world's stage as a chubby girl whose only discernable talent was sharing chromosomes with Lionel Richie. Had Mr. Richie not been too busy dancing on the ceiling to use protection, the world would be a much less annoying place.

Yet, even due to the lack of talent, Nicole has forged a career by managing to get her picture in nearly every tabloid every week. Incredibly, the paparazzi's cameras still function after snapping picture after picture of picture of that hideous mug. When her show was cancelled, Richie decided to lose weight, causing her to be both ugly and ridiculously thin. Still the supermarket magazines insist on trying to convince America that she is attractive.

One wonders how Richie manages to be photographed constantly regardless of her freakish appearance. My hypothesis involves a pen, paper, and Lucifer.

Traffic, Just Talking About Traffic

Wow, traffic blows.

I have a great idea. We should film a PSA and run it every week. It'll be a video of the gnarliest auto accident you'll ever see. This will the be voiceover

"This is a picture of an auto accident. 4 people are dead. This is way cooler than any accident you will see on your commute this week. Take a good look. Tape it if you need to. But for God's sake, DON'T SPEND FIVE MINUTES STARING AT IT IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC!!

And God help you if it's on the OTHER SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY.

That is all.

The debut of "Hot Chicks That Aren't Hot"

Today's fun fact: More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Today's new feature. "Hot Chicks That Aren't Hot" Celebrity gossip magazines and hard hitting investigatory journalism programs such as Entertainment Tonight conspire to tell us that certain celebrities are hot, when in reality they have a face that could stop traffic. And not in that "wow, check out that chick" way, but the "did someone open the gates at the zoo?" way.

Our first girl has an album out this week. She has proven that it only takes a sister with a modicum of talent and a father who has a bit of a fascination with seeing his daughters become celebrities in order to make it in this country. Boldly putting her embarrassing "voice malfunction" episode behind her, she bravely performed at the Rose Bowl, earning what possibly could be the loudest ovation of boos since Newt Gingrich accidently walked out on stage at a Melissa Ethridge concert. But supposedly Ashlee Simpson is hot, because that's what US Weekly says, and that's good enough for America.

"Hot Chicks" Who Aren't Hot

Today's fun fact: More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Today's new feature. "Hot Chicks Who Aren't Hot."  Celebrity gossip magazines and hard hitting investigatory journalism programs such as Entertainment Tonight conspire to tell us that certain celebrities are hot, when in reality they have a face that could stop traffic. And not in that "wow, check out that chick" way, but the "did someone open the gates at the zoo?" way.

Our first girl has an album out this week. She has proven that it only takes a sister with a modicum of talent and a father who has a bit of a fascination with seeing his daughters become celebrities in order to make it in this country. Boldly putting her embarrassing "voice malfunction" episode behind her, she bravely performed at the Rose Bowl, earning what possibly could be the loudest ovation of boos since Newt Gingrich accidently walked out on stage at a Melissa Ethridge concert. But supposedly Ashlee Simpson is hot, because that's what US Weekly says, and that's good enough for America.

Fortune Cookie Idea

Wouldn't this be the best fortune cookie fortune ever?

"You will shortly discover that you have developed a fatal allergy to MSG"

Fortune Cookie Idea

Wouldn't this be the best fortune cookie fortune ever?

"You will shortly discover that you have developed a fatal allergy to MSG"

Traffic, just talking about traffic

Wow, traffic blows.

I have a great idea. We should film a PSA and run it every week. It'll be a video of the gnarliest auto accident you'll ever see. This will the be voiceover

"This is a picture of an auto accident. 4 people are dead. This is way cooler than any accident you will see on your commute this week. Take a good look. Tape it if you need to. But for God's sake, DON'T SPEND FIVE MINUTES STARING AT IT IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC!!

And God help you if it's on the OTHER SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY.

That is all.

Mmmmm... Moolatte

See, Dairy Queen stole my idea. This is dangerously close to the Coffee Mulatto.

Random Thoughts

Remember that drink at Dunkin Donuts? The Coffee Coolata, or whatever? Wouldn't it be great if someone had the balls to make the Coffee Mulatto? It would just be black coffee with milk, a revolutionary recipe!

I went to the Giants - Chargers game last night here in SD, and although it was fun, my Giants didn't get the result that I wanted to see.

I'm trying to teach myself to play golf, I got a book "Ben Hogan's Five Lessons", and it seems pretty good so far.

That's about it for me, I hope everyone's having a great time. Later

PS. My wife just showed me a very poorly named website.

www.artisanalcheese.com

So you think you can...work at Hooters?

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0915051hooters1.html

Its secrets are guarded more closely than the code to Ft. Knox, but The Smoking Gun was able to obtain a copy. Is there anything those guys can't get?

My favorite part is where it talks about the pantyhose. If it runs, they are obligated to change it before they continue their shift. So if you really want to get back at a Hooters girl....um...do whatever it is that causes stocking runs.

The hidden economics of buying presents for each other

I received a complaint that I don’t write much anymore, so here are some things that have been bothering me lately.

Why do we give presents to each other? I know its tradition and all, but if you really think about it, it is stupid at best and irresponsible at worst. Follow me here:

Now, I’m not counting family here. If you have kids, you have to buy them things, there’s no getting around that. And if you have parents, you’ll more than likely see the need to reward them for all they’ve done for you. After all, if you’re thinking back to when you were younger, you have a huge way to go to balance out the “present spending amount”. When you were 8, for example, your parents probably bought you something along the lines of:

A video game system,

A bike

GI Joe / Barbies

And other numerous toys

Depending on the wealth of your family, you’re most likely looking at a few hundred dollars.

You, on the other hand, probably bought them something from the dollar store. So don’t be complaining when you have to help put them into a home after they can’t remember if your name is Shirley or Airplane.

My main point is about gifts from friends. Think about all the different occasions when we’re expected by society to give gifts to our friends, or even people that aren’t our friends.

Weddings, Birthdays, Moving-in Parties, Baby Showers, Holidays - just to name a few.

We are obligated by society to purchase gifts if we are in attendance at these occasions. If you show up to one of these occasions empty handed, watch out! You are a bad friend, which ironically will save you money in the long run, since you won’t be invited to these events, and will not be forced to purchase more gifts.

If you look at the situation logically, what is really happening in these instances is that you and your friends are spending each others money on things that they would not normally buy. Do you really NEED that CD that you get for Christmas from your friend? How often have you gotten a present that you really needed? “Hi Bill, yeah, thanks a lot for paying my electric bill. That was a great present!”

If you’re a young person, or young family struggling to pay the bills, why should you feel that you’re forced to spend money just because your friend decides that they’re going to have a baby. That’s great for them, bad for your wallet. Also, if you never have a baby, then you’re never going to get that present back. You’re going to have a present trade deficit with that friend.

For a young person or couple, the most financially sound thing you can do is to have no friends. That way, you and you alone will dictate how and when you will spend your money. No more will you be unable to take your wife out to dinner because your co-worker decided to get married. You might be able to afford to pay all your bills in the same month.

I know it’s a crazy idea, but it just might work.

The hidden economics of buying presents for each other

I received a complaint that I don’t write much anymore, so here are some things that have been bothering me lately.

Why do we give presents to each other? I know its tradition and all, but if you really think about it, it is stupid at best and irresponsible at worst. Follow me here:

Now, I’m not counting family here. If you have kids, you have to buy them things, there’s no getting around that. And if you have parents, you’ll more than likely see the need to reward them for all they’ve done for you. After all, if you’re thinking back to when you were younger, you have a huge way to go to balance out the “present spending amount”. When you were 8, for example, your parents probably bought you something along the lines of:

A video game system,

A bike

GI Joe / Barbies

And other numerous toys

Depending on the wealth of your family, you’re most likely looking at a few hundred dollars.

You, on the other hand, probably bought them something from the dollar store. So don’t be complaining when you have to help put them into a home after they can’t remember if your name is Shirley or Airplane.

My main point is about gifts from friends. Think about all the different occasions when we’re expected by society to give gifts to our friends, or even people that aren’t our friends.

Weddings, Birthdays, Moving-in Parties, Baby Showers, Holidays - just to name a few.

We are obligated by society to purchase gifts if we are in attendance at these occasions. If you show up to one of these occasions empty handed, watch out! You are a bad friend, which ironically will save you money in the long run, since you won’t be invited to these events, and will not be forced to purchase more gifts.

If you look at the situation logically, what is really happening in these instances is that you and your friends are spending each others money on things that they would not normally buy. Do you really NEED that CD that you get for Christmas from your friend? How often have you gotten a present that you really needed? “Hi Bill, yeah, thanks a lot for paying my electric bill. That was a great present!”

If you’re a young person, or young family struggling to pay the bills, why should you feel that you’re forced to spend money just because your friend decides that they’re going to have a baby. That’s great for them, bad for your wallet. Also, if you never have a baby, then you’re never going to get that present back. You’re going to have a present trade deficit with that friend.

For a young person or couple, the most financially sound thing you can do is to have no friends. That way, you and you alone will dictate how and when you will spend your money. No more will you be unable to take your wife out to dinner because your co-worker decided to get married. You might be able to afford to pay all your bills in the same month.

I know it’s a crazy idea, but it just might work.