The Article written by Janice Kellerman is the most ignorant thing I have ever heard. For one person to be so stupid I can understand but putiing that online draws the line. Also J.K. Rowling did not write the book ok it was the great JRR Tolkiens who wrote it.his books are classics. The Two Towers book and movie was made before 9/11. It has no relationship to 9/11 at all. I must say that somepeople will do anything to get attention these days even if tears down someone elses reputiation. Well I am setting you guys straight right here. I request that you retract the article there is no terriost connection and no arabs in the movie. Lord of the Rings is the greatest Fantasy story of all time read the books see the movie or aleast do research before you write your next article. Also I was offend by the statement "We should just ban all arab-looking people from airplanes, problem solved!" I may not be arab but I have friends that are and I know that they are good people. I dont like that you think we should ban arabs you are a racist. I am one of the many proud americans that hate people like you for your stupidity. People like you give our country a bad name. I hope you have the guts to respond. But probally not your and evryone that works for your paper are Jackasses. With much disgust, M. King
Our reply:
Thank you Mr. King for your interest in one of our articles. We love it when people write to discuss our writing.
First of all, Janice Kellerman is my mother, so I think that your reference to her as "stupid" is very slanderous. Why would you lash out at my mother like that?
Second of all, we're supposed to do research? That takes all the fun out of writing. Did you know that the great journalist Andy Rooney never does any research? No, all of his commentaries are right off the top of his head, and we all know how revered he is.
I've never actually seen any of the Lord of The Rings movies, but I have seen the Lord of The Dance, starring the inimitable Michael Flatley. He is such a great performer!
I have seen the trailer though for the LOTR movies, and I have seen characters wearing towels on their heads, so they are obviously arabs, although the pointy snouts and fangs make me think that they might be a new breed of arab.
Also, thank you for calling us Jackasses! Have you seen the money that movie has been making? If only we could be doing that well!
Thank you again for your fan mail. We look forward to hearing from you again in the future. We're going to go ahead and put you on our mailing list so you can find out about new updates to the site before anyone else!
"Sieg Heil!",
Jimmy - Editor in Chief
We then received this [disappointingly] brief reply:
Remove me from your mailing list
M King
Our reply:
Greetings Mr. King,
As per your request, we have added you to our mailing list. Have a good day!
Jimmy - Editor In Chief
When he didn't reply, we were forced to threaten legal action for insulting our writer:
Greetings Mr. King,
This is Lionel Hutz, the attorney for the internet website The Fake News. You were referred to me by the editor of that website, Jimmy Wellington (hereby referred to as "Jimmy". Apparently, you wrote an email to him in response to The Fake News' story "The Two Towers? Have They No Shame?".
In your email you said (quote) "For one person to be so stupid" in reference to the author, one Janice Kellerman (hereby referred to as Janice). You must not be familiar with the laws of slander sir. Why would you refer to someone that you don't even know as "stupid"?
Mr. King, on behalf of The Fake News and it's editor Jimmy, we demand an apology for your hateful and disturbing remarks. Janice has already attempted suicide on three separate occasions and her death will be on your conscience for the rest of your natural life.
If you send an email with the following message: "I am sorry for the pain and suffering that my words have caused Mrs. Janice Kellerman. I understand that she did not have all her facts straight and that she made a mistake. Therefore, she is not stupid, but rather misinformed. Please accept my humble apology." - Then you will not hear from us again.
Thank you for your speedy compliance.
Leon Livingston, Attorney at law.
Unfortunately, in our haste to send out the email, we realized that we had not changed our lawyer's name from Lionel Hutz (too obvious), to the more appropriate Leon Livingston. Damage control was needed.
Greetings Mr. King,
Please accept my humble apology. Our new secretary Lionel was taking dictation from me for the email you have just received. Please change the name "Lionel Hutz" to "Leon Livingston". He was trying to take all the glory (he really wants to be a lawyer, but he's too stupid). I have helpfully included a draft of the email the way you should have received it. We are still waiting for your apology. Have a nice night.
Leon Livingston - Attornery at law
(we then included a copy of the original letter)
| Greetings Mr. King, Please accept my humble apology. Our new secretary Lionel was taking dictation from me for the email you have just received. Please change the name "Lionel Hutz" to "Leon Livingston". He was trying to take all the glory (he really wants to be a lawyer, but he's too stupid). I have helpfully included a draft of the email the way you should have received it. We are still waiting for your apology. Have a nice night. Leon Livingston - Attornery at law (we then included a copy of the original letter) |
He then (awestruck by the large reach of our legal representative) went silent, however we still wanted our apology
Greetings Mr. King,
If we do not receive an apology for slandering our writer Janice Kellerman, we will be forced to sue you for damages caused by your hateful words. We have had to rent the movie Super Troopers from our local Blockbuster store in order to keep her mind off of the pain and suffering your words have caused her. Luckily for you, she is quite fond of the movie, but we don't know how much longer we can keep her from attempting suicide again. The movie is $5.00 for a 3 day rental (that's American dollars if you come from one of those communist foreign countries), so you really should proceed to produce an apology. If you forgot the exact words that she wishes to hear, we have the previous correspondence saved in our nifty filing cabinet. If you decide not to, we will be forced to file a complaint for damages in the amount of $5.00 for video rental as well as $2.50 for my retainer fee. That comes to a total of $7.50 if my arab manservant is making the correct calculations. Please contact us expeditiously. Leon Livingston - Attorney At Law
Unfortunately, no reply has been forthcoming.
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