In the early days of The Fake News, the site was updated like a newspaper (remember those?) with multiple longer stories and a few shorter ones. Some of them were not that great. Here are the best.
Inner City Youth Shot For His “WWJD?” Bracelet - A 15 year old Bridgeport youth was shot and killed yesterday in an attack that was surprisingly not gang related. The 25 youths interviewed by police as witnesses say that they were just “sitting on their porch, drinking 40s, minding their own business”, when a car drove by and a boy jumped out, firing 2 shots into the 15 year old, whose name is not being released to the public because of his age.
Apparently, the only item taken from the youth was his bracelet, embroidered with the letters “WWJD?”, which stand for “What Would Jesus Do?”. Other valuables, such as the boy’s Michael Jordan sneakers, or his wallet containing $50, were not touched. The youth received the bracelet at a student outreach program sponsored by the local church. The boy’s parents hope that the attacker will read the bracelet, think about what Jesus would do, and turn himself into authorities.
Anal Retentive Man Washes Hair Perpetually - Jim Hedgson, a local guidance counselor has been washing his hair for 3 years consecutively, and has no plans to stop any time soon. “I have this condition where I have to follow any directions that I read. The other day I noticed for the first time that my shampoo had instructions written on the back. They said: ‘Wet Hair. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.’ The directions are pretty obvious,” he told us through his shower curtain yesterday. When we informed him that the repetition of the first three steps are optional, he didn’t believe us. “That’s how people get hurt. Directions are necessary to maintain order.” The school administration has not yet noticed Hedgson’s absence.
"Bow Chicka Bow Bow" Adopted As Official Porn Music Imitation - Congress passed a bill declaring "Bow Chicka Bow Bow" to be the official way to imitate the music played during pornographic films. The bill received support from an unlikely source, New York Senator Hillary Clinton. "Of course I watch porn, it's not like Bill's ever around. Sometimes when the guy comes to fix our cable, Chelsea and I look at each other and go "bow chicka bow bow", then collapse laughing. It really was a no brainer to pass."
Disgusted Man Realizes He Used To Masturbate To Anna Nicole Smith - George Loonit felt suicidal last week when he realized that the bloated, drug-addled celebrity on the Anna Nicole Smith Show was in fact the same woman that he used to masturbate to, nearly a decade earlier. "When I realized that, I just wanted to slit my wrists man, I think it will take me a long, long time to come to terms with this one. I mean, she used to be hot, like in that Naked Gun movie. What the hell did she do to herself?" Loonit planned to counter-act the mistake by finding the hottest woman he could find, and masturbating to her to even the score. We just hope for his sake that Liz Hurley never gets ugly.
German Elections Results Are In, Americans: "So?" - The German election results were finally announced, bringing closure to the 10s of Americans that cared. The Schroeder Party...hey, where are you going? All right fine..
Giants 9 - Seahawks 6
Dolphins 30 - Jets 3
49ers 20 - Redskins 10...
Boss Considers Employee's Suggestion - In a historic first for American companies everywhere, Innotech boss Kirk Riler actually considered a suggestion made by programmer Luke Jenkins. "Like most companies, we always made it known to our employees that their input matters," said Riler. "We have a program where the employees are encouraged to send feedback on current policies as well as ways that they think we could improve the way we do things." Last week, Riler made the bold step of actually reading some of these suggestions, and briefly considered Jenkins' request that the company make clear to the programmers exactly what the project they are working on is designed to do. After several seconds, Riler deleted the email and forgot about it. Other companies are expected to follow suit, while Intertrode Corporation Chairman Leonard Kilmer is reportedly thinking of implementing solutions suggested by his employees.
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