Congress proposes “Sanctity of Gun Life” law

A Glock handgun lies on a hardwood floor, its black matte finish speckled with crimson. A somber crime scene investigator carefully picks it up and places it into a plastic bag marked “EVIDENCE.”  The soldier to whom the gun belonged is placed into his own bag, the ragged sound of the zipper being pulled up bringing a harsh sense of finality to the room, where in the corner his girlfriend sits, in too much shock to cry.

The soldier, who suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder, is taken away by the coroner. But what happens to the gun? It was an unwilling participant in this suburban tragedy, like the seventeenth pill in a bottle or a length of rope.

If Congress has its way, this gun will not remain homeless, its new plastic home lining a shelf in some evidence warehouse. It will certainly not face the gun death penalty, destruction after a family member of the deceased does not want to give it a good home.

No, this gun will be able to find a second life, protecting its new owner.

“When a gun is created, we believe that it deserves protection from the moment that gun’s manufacturing process begins,” said bill co-sponsor Steve King (R-IA). “From the moment the material hits the mold, that is a life, afforded all due protections under the law.”

Another of the bill’s co-sponsors thinks the law is a natural extension of Biblical principles.

“In the Bible, Jesus said to turn the other cheek,” said Michelle Bachmann (R-MN). “He also said that an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. If we retaliate against these innocent guns, who did nothing but work the way they were created, we are just as guilty of destruction as the person who pulled the trigger.”

Bettman Family Despondent after Dad Cancels Christmas

[caption id="attachment_1793" align="alignright" width="346"] Birthday's aren't guaranteed, and crying won't get you anywhere.[/caption]

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman’s family learned today that their father had followed up today’s cancellation of the family’s Thanksgiving meal with the news that he had no choice but to cancel Christmas as well. If no progress is made in resolving the family’s dispute, all holidays for the 2013 calendar year could be cancelled as soon as next month.

“Trust me, it’s the last thing I want to do,” Bettman said. “I wish there was another way, but at some point you have to make a hard choice as a parent.”

The exact nature of the Bettman family dispute is not clear, but sources close to the family say that the problems arose during a recent car trip.

“The family was driving to an event and Gary was worrying aloud that people would boo him,” said the source. “One of Gary’s children said under their breath ‘Like they don’t boo you every time you appear in public.’”

According to the source, Gary heard the insult and immediately cancelled the post-event family outing to Dairy Queen. He said that unless the child not only apologized, but also prevented every fan in the world from booing him, he wouldn’t do anything nice for them.

Over the following weeks, the mood in the Bettman house soured. At first they thought that Dad couldn’t possibly cancel the holidays again.

Just a few years ago, Gary cancelled the Bettman family holidays because he felt he was spending too much money on gifts for his children, who weren’t doing enough to earn his generosity. A deal was brokered that placed a limit on the amount of money he would have to spend on presents for each child, calculated as a monetary representation of that child’s worth to the family.

In addition to Bettman’s demand that the offending child prevent anyone from ever booing him ever again, he wants to recalculate the way each child’s worth is measured, as he feels that his original calculation was faulty.

“Yes, seven years ago, I got everything I asked for,” Bettman said. “But that doesn’t mean that I asked for everything I should have.”

The Wasteland Diary - Entries 7 through 9

People who don’t live in the Northeast have had trouble understanding just how devastating Hurricane Sandy was to the area. The Fake News, through the generosity of Mark Davis, has obtained a diary from one of the survivors. We cannot verify its authenticity, but we present it to you unedited. Here are entries 7-9 (out of 11)

Entry 7: the wasteland is worse than I ever could have imagined. The road I needed to use was closed, forcing me to trek onto main roads. On the highway, no one was permitted to turn left because of the impending impact of space debris in those exact locations. I can only assume the right lanes were closed due to radioactive materials in the drainage systems, which makes driving in that lane incredibly dangerous. One can only assume mutated creatures are now dwelling in the sewers. I saw millions fleeing from the impending doom; they filled gas stations and wawas, fearing the power outages may last years and fearing their provisions will only last 3-4 days. For now, I am safe but none the better for it. I am fearful of the journey back.

Entry 8: the ride home was no better. I ventured down back roads in an attempt to avoid the chaos of the busy streets only to find road after road closed. At each closure, my fear grew more intense, as each could have been a well-place trap. Desperate for help, I enlisted the help of a wanderer who was traveling on the edge of the road. It was apparent that this wanderer was adversely affected by the storm: his teeth were incredibly crooked, his face was odd and not well-kept, he talked with an accent foreign to me, and worst of all, he sported an AC Delco baseball cap. I was unsure if he was still human, as he easily could have been a vampire or a zombie of some sort, but I trusted him none the less. He gave me directions that were accurate, although many alterations had to be made due to more closed roads. As I traversed these roads, the check engine light that was on in my car was a constant reminder of how volatile my situation was and is. I am home now, and I am as safe as I can be given the current circumstances.

Entry 9: at home, my survival expert friend visited with the vain hope of easing both of our hardships. He, unlike me, does not have a generator, and thus is not in as great of peril as I am facing. To open his eyes to my plight, I forced him to experience first hand what it is like to have the generator run out of gas while one is attempting to play a non-internet connected video game. Not only did I force him through that horror, but I also forced him to manually refill the generator with the supplied gasoline. Afterwards, I believe he had a better sense of what it means to suffer. My time with him was amble yet not well-spent; since he is a survivalist and a thief, two qualities that when coupled create a dangerous individual, I was filled with constant trepidation, and I was unable to divert my eyes from him for a second. In this state, he and I watched a mutually agreed upon movie and got a double dose of nostalgia of times before the storm. As he left, I fear he may have swindled my things while in the shadows. Although a scary thought, the AC Delco hatted man may have been more trustworthy company. Sleep awaits.

Earlier entries here and here.

*This is clearly (hopefully) meant to satirize those complaining about mild inconveniences, not to trivialize those with serious needs. Please donate to help Hurricane Sandy victims here.

The Wasteland Diary - Entries 4 through 6

People who don't live in the Northeast have had trouble understanding just how devastating Hurricane Sandy was to the area. The Fake News, through the generosity of Mark Davis, has obtained a diary from one of the survivors. We cannot verify its authenticity, but we present it to you unedited. Here are entries 4-6 (out of 11)

Entry 4: lunchtime. With provisions running low, the family had to make a decision. Although morbid to most, we decided to draw straws to see who was going to make the ultimate sacrifice so the others could eat well and live. Unfortunately, that poor soul was me. As a result, I was forced to turn down other better food and eat a ham and cheese sandwich, a disgusting thought considering the age in which we live. At this rate, we may all be reduced to eating pbj sandwiches in 2-3 days. I forced down the sandwich only to find that my dessert was fun sized peanut M&Ms, and we all know there is nothing fun about that quantity of candy.

Entry 5: full-fledged nightfall brings the most barbaric conditions yet. With only the light of a flashlight, I took the most dreadful shower one could imagine. The water had not the capacity to reach scorching hot levels, and I curtailed my regular 25 minute shower to a mere ten minutes because of the fear that the water may turn cold upon 10-20 minutes more of use. Then, when exiting the shower, I found the temperature to be 3 degrees cooler than what I would consider comfortable shower exiting temperature. The barbarity only increased as I went upstairs to find that someone had ate all the chocolate ice cream sandwiches, forcing me to settle for mint ice cream sandwiches. The dark is dreary and oppressive, and as I write this, the generator kicks off with my game unsaved. Can I go on knowing that 2 hours worth of playing has been for nothing? Time will only tell.

Entry 6: all hope is almost lost. As I was exploring mothership zeta, the generator kicked off a moment, making half of my exploration meaningless. The loss in morale has made me decide to explore the wasteland in search of power and internet. With only a poptart, cereal, and wawa chicken sandwich in my stomach, I venture into the unknown in a likely vain and futile expedition to find just a sliver of hope and lost morale.

Earlier entries here.

*This is clearly (hopefully) meant to satirize those complaining about mild inconveniences, not to trivialize those with serious needs. Please donate to help Hurricane Sandy victims here.

The Wasteland Diary - Entries 1 through 3

People who don't live in the Northeast have had trouble understanding just how devastating Hurricane Sandy was to the area. The Fake News, through the generosity of Mark Davis, has obtained a diary from one of the survivors. We cannot verify its authenticity, but we present it to you unedited. Here are entries 1-3 (out of 11)

Entry 1: the storms came. Now I am without power or internet. Without the ability to look it up, I can only assume that 80 percent of the population is now dead. The other 20 percent have it even worse with no power or internet. The world is now a bleak place, and I can only hope for my rations to carry me through. At the very least, I hope my phone lasts until nightfall. If all is lost, please let god take me quick and painlessly. I don't know how I'm going to survive this...

Entry 2: I was forced to eat cold cereal this morning instead of my traditional oatmeal. Kids in Africa do not have it this bad. The facebook app on this phone works as well as the typical retail seasonal employee. As of now, I am confined to my room that is only lit by what can only be called non-artificial light. It hurts my eyes. God, please help me through this.

Entry 3: extension cords from the backup generator have been run to my living corridors. With this, life has become more grim. How can one use modern appliances such as a computer or a video game console without the internet? Morale is at an all-time low. I wish I did not have the misfortune of having a backup generator. The end seems near...

*This is clearly (hopefully) meant to satirize those complaining about mild inconveniences, not to trivialize those with serious needs. Please donate to help Hurricane Sandy victims here.

Christian Fundamentalist Group Proposes New Bible Translation

In 1517, Martin Luther wrote his “Ninety-Five Theses,” setting the stage for the Protestant Reformation. Nearly five centuries later, a small group of revolutionaries are planning to repeat history.

[caption id="attachment_1176" align="alignright" width="300"] We'll tell you what Jesus meant.[/caption]

If you looked at Chris Garrison, you wouldn’t see someone brimming with religious fervor. Appearances can be deceiving, however, as the twenty-one year old is attempting to change the way the Bible is understood.

Garrison is leading a movement seeking to introduce a new translation of the Bible into churches worldwide.

Known as the NFV, or New Fundamentalist Version, this translation attempts to make the teachings of Jesus easier to understand for Christians.

Newt Gingrich Threatens to Leave Race Unless America Agrees to Open Presidency

[caption id="attachment_1069" align="alignright" width="314" caption="Gingrich's next book cover"][/caption]

After Rush Limbaugh calls America "sick," Newt Gingrich begins looking for other presidencies.

South Carolina -

A presidential primary becoming known for its galvanic swings of support behind each candidate took another turn today, as news broke that Newt Gingrich, now considered a possible genuine threat to a Mitt Romney nomination, is quietly looking into running for the presidency of other countries.

The reports followed a diatribe by popular radio host Rush Limbaugh, who said, “This country is sick. President Obama, if that is his real name, has been systematically destroying this country. I wouldn’t be surprised if it has a few years left to live, if that.”

While this news may surprise some, those who have been following the news about Mr. Gingrich’s private life have been expecting it.

In 1981 Mr. Gingrich divorced his first wife after she was diagnosed with cancer. In 2000, he divorced his second wife, who had recently been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

“After hearing Limbaugh’s comments, Newt began asking other countries if they were interested in him being their president,” said a Gingrich campaign official, speaking anonymously. “He’s been running Mexico on a trial basis, but he wants to wait for a commitment from them before dropping out of the US race.”

Letters from the Editor - Occupy Wall Street

[caption id="attachment_1041" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="by Dick Cashman, WTFN Owner"][/caption]

I’ve heard about these Occupy Wall Street protesters mulling around the streets of New York. I say I’ve heard because I have not personally seen them since I commute via helicopter.

Supposedly they are upset because they can’t find a job. I guess they’re not looking very hard. I find it hard to have sympathy for these unemployed people when I’ve always found it easy to find a job.

What’s my secret, you ask? I just ask my father. It’s very simple. In fact, you only need six words to get a job.

“Dad, can I have a job?”

If you add a seventh word, “please,” he will even let you pick what type of job you want to do. One time I forgot to say “please,” and he made me owner of the Cleveland Indians.

Man, what a lousy job.

Letters From the Editor - Christine O'Donnell Ending Interview with Piers Morgan

An Open Letter to Christine O’Donnell - by Jimmy Wellington

Wow, look how far you’ve come. Just a few short days ago the dumbest thing you had ever done was appear in an official campaign advertisement in which the first four words you said were, “I’m not a witch.”

[caption id="attachment_1021" align="alignright" width="300" caption="I don't know why I'm here either."][/caption]

Now, this.

Let’s see if I can explain how the media works to you. Remember what your friend Sarah Palin told you about how you will get all the questions ahead of time and how the person will only ask what you want to talk about? That’s only on Fox News. Well, most of the other networks and hosts will let you get away with it too.

See what Piers Morgan did to you? That’s called journalism. See, the job of a reporter is to ask the questions that are the most important, not to only ask what doesn’t make you look like a backwoods ignorant bigot.

Don’t worry though. You’ve put yourself in such good company as Billy Bob Thornton, who also got upset when a reporter didn’t want to talk about bullshit. Just look how well his career is going now!

Actually, that reminds me. Why am I wasting valuable ink writing to you in the first place? I’m going to go do something more productive, like buy stock in Borders.

Tweets From the Street - London Riots

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Last week, we asked for their thoughts on the London riots.

Letters From the Editor - Bert and Ernie Gay Marrying

Other news organizations print letters to the editor. How boring. The Fake News will instead write letters from the editor. Sometimes these will be to famous people, other times to random normal, unimportant people.

An Open Letter to Sesame Street:

[caption id="attachment_1001" align="alignleft" width="120" caption="Guest Editor: Shirley Hopper, mom, writer for WTFN"][/caption]

I read today that some people want Bert and Ernie to get married. What is our world coming to? Sesame Street is a program that we use to babysit our children and teach them the things that we don’t have time to do anymore. At one point, we were responsible for indoctrinating our children to believe everything we did. Today, with many parents working, we rely increasingly on television programs to teach our children how they should act.

When I was young, I learned that when I entered my house, I should take off my shoes and put on my slippers. Did my dad teach me that? No, he was out with his secretary, but that’s a story for another time. It was Mr. Rogers. He taught me such great lessons not only like the one I just said about the shoes, but also about how you could get away from your problems (like that one day with Mr. Jenkins after school) by just pretending to go to a land with puppets. My land of make-believe didn’t have an old king, but it did have an anthropomorphic sports bra.

Congress Desperate for a Lindsay Lohan Arrest

After over a week in which the debt ceiling crisis was the top news story nationwide, Congress is tired of the attention.

[caption id="attachment_989" align="alignright" width="333" caption="Shortly after this photo was taken, Eric Cantor flung feces on the wall and walked out on his hands."][/caption]

“Why can’t that Freaky Friday girl go off the wagon again or something,” House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) said. “That will get us off the front page for three days, minimum.

Speaker Boehner’s bill is up for a vote in the House in less than an hour, and is expected to be as politically important as the color pen with which Malia Obama does her English homework.

“Black pen? Is she trying to play the race card?” said an incredulous Rush Limbaugh.

Political satirist @OTOOLEFAN then wrote a series of tweets asking if Limbaugh said “Black penis” as a Freudian slip.

Karl Rove ridiculed the idea that Congress is actively hoping for a major celebrity meltdown story to take the nation’s minds off the Tea Party faction’s inability to compromise in the manner of most children over the age of two.

“Still, it would have been more helpful if that Casey Anthony thing had happened this week,” said Rove.

 

Tweets From the Street - Debt Ceiling Edition

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on the debt ceiling crisis.

Letters from the Editor - To Rebecca Black

Other news organizations print letters to the editor. How boring. The Fake News will instead write letters from the editor. Sometimes these will be to famous people, other times to random normal, unimportant people.

An Open Letter to Rebecca Black

[caption id="attachment_974" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="By P. Tony Garry - Guest Editor"][/caption]

Rebecca,

Is it ok if I call you Rebecca? It seems a little bit personal, but, if you recall, I have already seen you in bed, in formalwear, dancing awkwardly both inside and outside of moving cars – It’s almost like we’ve been married for years.

I awaited the “dropping” of your new video with hopeful trepidation. Would I be treated to another three-and-a-half minutes of a glorious trainwreck in which the conductor is gleefully oblivious of the impending crash, more concerned with how much fun it is to be speeding on a quickly coddled together train on tracks hastily constructed out of hubris and duct tape?

Sadly, no.

It seems, Rebecca, that you have forgotten the reason your first video was so popular. The lyrics were not bad. They were so bad that they made J.K. Rowling look like Charles Dickens. Therein lies the secret. Nobody watches bad creative endeavors. They only watch creations that are very good or so awfully bad that they offset the scale of goodness so far that they push Gigli several steps closer to “mediocre.”

Then there was the video. Ah, the video that launched a thousand parodies. Of course the artistic director of the video was a bit hamstrung by the previously mentioned lyrics. That doesn’t entirely let him or her off the hook. If you were wondering which seat you should take, why was there someone in the front seat? As every first year law student knows, one cannot kick someone out of the front seat once said person has already established a claim to said territory.

Obama Changes “Debt Ceiling” to “Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level”

After another day of discussions to increase the debt ceiling and avoid the United States from defaulting on its debt obligation for the first time in its history, President Obama decided that he would have to “break out the big guns.”

[caption id="attachment_965" align="alignright" width="300" caption="President Obama thinks of more things to rename"][/caption]

“They say that you should learn from your enemies,” said Mr. Obama. “I realized that I needed to stop trying to convince the Republicans to do what was best for the country and start framing the discussion so that we could attack the GOP during the next elections cycle.”

“I used to think that acting in the best interest of our nation’s citizens was the goal,” he continued. “Thankfully, I realized that winning political points comes before paying our fucking bills.”

In order to achieve his new goal, the president has decided to simply rename the “debt ceiling” to the more politically helpful “Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level.”

“If you don’t act like goddamned grownups,” he warned, “We will run ad after ad in 2012 that says you refused to increase the Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to explain how I voted against that.”

While he’s renaming things, Mr. Obama announced that “ObamaCare” will be renamed “FreedomCare,” “Immigration Reform” will be renamed “The Sanctity of Marriage Act,” and “Taxing the Rich” will be called “Justice for Caylee Anthony.”

“Have you seen Facebook?” Obama said. “Vote against the ‘Justice for Caylee Anthony Act.’ I dare you.”

Tweets from the Street - Casey Anthony Verdict

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on the Fourth of July.

Nation's Two-Year-Olds Riot After Casey Anthony Acquittal

The nation’s two-year-olds took to the street in loud, high-pitched protest to the acquittal of Casey Anthony, accused of killing her daughter Caylee.

[caption id="attachment_939" align="alignright" width="325" caption="A massive two-year-old demands justice"][/caption]

“No justice, no peace!” babbled Houston riot leader Daquota Killington. “You like a peaceful plane trip? We will not sit down and shut up any longer. Good luck flying internationally. Invest in earplugs.”

Police have not seen two-year-old coordinated protests on this magnitude since the Katy Perry – Elmo music video was kept from airing on Sesame Street, although law enforcement still believes most of those toddlers were coerced to protest by teenage brothers.

Jose Baez, Anthony’s attorney, said, “It’s great to see that a young, attractive white woman can receive a favorable outcome in our broken criminal justice system.”

Facebook and Twitter erupted in protest of the verdict, and Nancy Grace was heard to audibly climax in anticipation of her next show’s ratings.

Still, the biggest news in the wake of the verdict is the toddler outrage.

Killington warns, “Just wait. We’re going on strike from making cute Youtube videos. We are in negotiations with the nation’s cats to support us.”

“Do you really want to live in a world with no cute baby or cat videos?” asked Killington. “What will you do at work?”

Tweets From The Street - Fourth Of July Edition

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on the Fourth of July.

Campaign Slogans We'd Like To See

State Fair Vendor to Debut Deep Fried Diabetes

On Friday, August 5^th, NJ State Fair vendor Gerry Loktic will debut his new food item, bound to attract a plethora of fairgoers—deep fried diabetes.

[caption id="attachment_907" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Yes, those are diabetes balls"][/caption]

“I kept seeing other vendors raise the bar,” Loktic said. “It started with normal things like Twinkies and Oreos that were covered in batter and deep fried. After a while, each vendor tried to outdo everyone else with things like deep fried Kool-Aid, butter, and pacifiers.”

Loktic remembered his Business 101 class from college, in which he learned that a business should value efficiency. He decided that his customers were obviously interested in contracting Type 2 diabetes, so he thought he should get rid of the middle step.

“Anyone who takes a food like a Twinkie and decides that the way to improve it is to make it more terrible for your body is obviously hoping to join the insulin club,” said Loktic.