Christian Fundamentalist Group Proposes New Bible Translation

In 1517, Martin Luther wrote his “Ninety-Five Theses,” setting the stage for the Protestant Reformation. Nearly five centuries later, a small group of revolutionaries are planning to repeat history.

[caption id="attachment_1176" align="alignright" width="300"] We'll tell you what Jesus meant.[/caption]

If you looked at Chris Garrison, you wouldn’t see someone brimming with religious fervor. Appearances can be deceiving, however, as the twenty-one year old is attempting to change the way the Bible is understood.

Garrison is leading a movement seeking to introduce a new translation of the Bible into churches worldwide.

Known as the NFV, or New Fundamentalist Version, this translation attempts to make the teachings of Jesus easier to understand for Christians.

Newt Gingrich Threatens to Leave Race Unless America Agrees to Open Presidency

[caption id="attachment_1069" align="alignright" width="314" caption="Gingrich's next book cover"][/caption]

After Rush Limbaugh calls America "sick," Newt Gingrich begins looking for other presidencies.

South Carolina -

A presidential primary becoming known for its galvanic swings of support behind each candidate took another turn today, as news broke that Newt Gingrich, now considered a possible genuine threat to a Mitt Romney nomination, is quietly looking into running for the presidency of other countries.

The reports followed a diatribe by popular radio host Rush Limbaugh, who said, “This country is sick. President Obama, if that is his real name, has been systematically destroying this country. I wouldn’t be surprised if it has a few years left to live, if that.”

While this news may surprise some, those who have been following the news about Mr. Gingrich’s private life have been expecting it.

In 1981 Mr. Gingrich divorced his first wife after she was diagnosed with cancer. In 2000, he divorced his second wife, who had recently been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

“After hearing Limbaugh’s comments, Newt began asking other countries if they were interested in him being their president,” said a Gingrich campaign official, speaking anonymously. “He’s been running Mexico on a trial basis, but he wants to wait for a commitment from them before dropping out of the US race.”

Congress Desperate for a Lindsay Lohan Arrest

After over a week in which the debt ceiling crisis was the top news story nationwide, Congress is tired of the attention.

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“Why can’t that Freaky Friday girl go off the wagon again or something,” House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) said. “That will get us off the front page for three days, minimum.

Speaker Boehner’s bill is up for a vote in the House in less than an hour, and is expected to be as politically important as the color pen with which Malia Obama does her English homework.

“Black pen? Is she trying to play the race card?” said an incredulous Rush Limbaugh.

Political satirist @OTOOLEFAN then wrote a series of tweets asking if Limbaugh said “Black penis” as a Freudian slip.

Karl Rove ridiculed the idea that Congress is actively hoping for a major celebrity meltdown story to take the nation’s minds off the Tea Party faction’s inability to compromise in the manner of most children over the age of two.

“Still, it would have been more helpful if that Casey Anthony thing had happened this week,” said Rove.

 

Obama Changes “Debt Ceiling” to “Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level”

After another day of discussions to increase the debt ceiling and avoid the United States from defaulting on its debt obligation for the first time in its history, President Obama decided that he would have to “break out the big guns.”

[caption id="attachment_965" align="alignright" width="300" caption="President Obama thinks of more things to rename"][/caption]

“They say that you should learn from your enemies,” said Mr. Obama. “I realized that I needed to stop trying to convince the Republicans to do what was best for the country and start framing the discussion so that we could attack the GOP during the next elections cycle.”

“I used to think that acting in the best interest of our nation’s citizens was the goal,” he continued. “Thankfully, I realized that winning political points comes before paying our fucking bills.”

In order to achieve his new goal, the president has decided to simply rename the “debt ceiling” to the more politically helpful “Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level.”

“If you don’t act like goddamned grownups,” he warned, “We will run ad after ad in 2012 that says you refused to increase the Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to explain how I voted against that.”

While he’s renaming things, Mr. Obama announced that “ObamaCare” will be renamed “FreedomCare,” “Immigration Reform” will be renamed “The Sanctity of Marriage Act,” and “Taxing the Rich” will be called “Justice for Caylee Anthony.”

“Have you seen Facebook?” Obama said. “Vote against the ‘Justice for Caylee Anthony Act.’ I dare you.”

Nation's Two-Year-Olds Riot After Casey Anthony Acquittal

The nation’s two-year-olds took to the street in loud, high-pitched protest to the acquittal of Casey Anthony, accused of killing her daughter Caylee.

[caption id="attachment_939" align="alignright" width="325" caption="A massive two-year-old demands justice"][/caption]

“No justice, no peace!” babbled Houston riot leader Daquota Killington. “You like a peaceful plane trip? We will not sit down and shut up any longer. Good luck flying internationally. Invest in earplugs.”

Police have not seen two-year-old coordinated protests on this magnitude since the Katy Perry – Elmo music video was kept from airing on Sesame Street, although law enforcement still believes most of those toddlers were coerced to protest by teenage brothers.

Jose Baez, Anthony’s attorney, said, “It’s great to see that a young, attractive white woman can receive a favorable outcome in our broken criminal justice system.”

Facebook and Twitter erupted in protest of the verdict, and Nancy Grace was heard to audibly climax in anticipation of her next show’s ratings.

Still, the biggest news in the wake of the verdict is the toddler outrage.

Killington warns, “Just wait. We’re going on strike from making cute Youtube videos. We are in negotiations with the nation’s cats to support us.”

“Do you really want to live in a world with no cute baby or cat videos?” asked Killington. “What will you do at work?”

State Fair Vendor to Debut Deep Fried Diabetes

On Friday, August 5^th, NJ State Fair vendor Gerry Loktic will debut his new food item, bound to attract a plethora of fairgoers—deep fried diabetes.

[caption id="attachment_907" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Yes, those are diabetes balls"][/caption]

“I kept seeing other vendors raise the bar,” Loktic said. “It started with normal things like Twinkies and Oreos that were covered in batter and deep fried. After a while, each vendor tried to outdo everyone else with things like deep fried Kool-Aid, butter, and pacifiers.”

Loktic remembered his Business 101 class from college, in which he learned that a business should value efficiency. He decided that his customers were obviously interested in contracting Type 2 diabetes, so he thought he should get rid of the middle step.

“Anyone who takes a food like a Twinkie and decides that the way to improve it is to make it more terrible for your body is obviously hoping to join the insulin club,” said Loktic.

 

FDA to Put Pictures of Unplanned Pregnancies on Alcohol Bottles

[caption id="attachment_880" align="alignright" width="250" caption="It's a baby bottle, get it?"][/caption]

The Food and Drug Administration announced today that they will add warning labels to alcohol bottles. Following the positive reaction to the new graphic images on new cigarette warning labels, the organization says they hope to help drinkers in the same way.

“For too long, people have bought alcohol without considering the ramifications. With Facebook, Flickr, Twitter, and Ask Jeeves, you can never live down that girl or guy you brought home,” said FDA spokesman Ray Kennedy. “If you’re really unlucky, you might have a reminder for 18 years that eats, poops, and vomits all over you.”

Reaction to the new warning labels has been mixed.

“I don’t really think I have to worry about getting a woman pregnant,” said Jeremy Winston, alcoholic. “I just want to forget the pain. Is there a label for that?”

The anti-drunk driving organization Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) is in favor of the labels, although they think they don’t go far enough.

“We have tried to get photos of horrific car crashes put on warning labels,” MADD spokesperson Alison Jenkins said. “Just think, we might have been able to save Jackass star Ryan Dunn.”

 

Liberal Activist Smears Andrew Breitbart by Calling Him "Journalist"

Kirill Sdoty, contributor to the website The Daily Kos, has caused a firestorm by uploading a video to the site on Sunday in which conservative provocateur Andrew Breitbart appears to refer to himself as a “journalist.”

[caption id="attachment_840" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Whatever you call this man, do NOT call him a journalist"][/caption]

“I’m not some kind of lamestream media lackey, whose only jobs are to praise Barack Obama and discredit anyone who dares to contradict the Messiah,” Breitbart replied in a posting on his website Breitbart.com. I tell the truth, even if I have to make it up most of the time.”

“Journalist? That’s like Edward R. Murrow or Walter Cronkite,” added Breitbart. “I’m nothing like those guys.”

Early reports indicate that the smear appears to have damaged Breitbart’s reputation among conservatives.

“I don’t know if I can trust anyone who calls himself a journalist,” said 89 year old regular Fox News viewer Brett Hupright. “The crying chalkboard man on the TV told me not to trust journalists, because they have the same last four letters as communists. It’s true, he showed me on his chalkboard. I still trust the guy who looks like a date rapist; he’s definitely not a journalist.”

Liberals are saying that it’s about time Breitbart is on the receiving end of deceitful reporting.

Obama Pledges to Support Middle East Peace By Going Back to 1967 Haircut

President Obama raised many eyebrows in the American and Jewish media Thursday by saying a starting point for Israeli-Palestinian negotiations must start with the 1967 borders, a position shared by George W. Bush. He did, however, go one major step further than his predecessor and make this suggestion while black.

[caption id="attachment_836" align="alignright" width="220" caption="He listens to George Clinton too"][/caption]

The President attempted to quell the outrage by people who called his position unfair to Israel by saying he would support the process by going back to his 1967 haircut.

Even though he was only six years old, Obama had an afro that put Erykah Badu to shame, and he has released a photo (seen at right) that shows what he will look like when he lets his hair go back to its 1967 length.

World Net Daily founder Joseph Farah claims that the picture is actually not manipulated using Photoshop.

“This so-called ‘President’ is wearing a wig during his public appearances. He has been supporting Osama bin Laden by growing his hair long. We have an informant inside the White House who informs us that Osama, I mean Obama, is wearing a turban in the evenings in his bedroom.”

House Republicans say they will not accept the President’s new haircut until they see the certificate of long hair.

Glenn Beck pointed out on his chalkboard that HAIRCUT might stand for Hate America and Israel, Respect Communism and Unite Terrorists.

Sarah Palin responded to media inquiries by using Twitter to refer reporters to her Facebook page.

 

Can’t Wait Until 6PM? Pay Extra to get Velociraptured

With scores of people waiting patiently to ascend to heaven tomorrow and millions making fun of them, most rapture-ready Christians just want to get it over with.

[caption id="attachment_833" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Why wasn't it mentioned in the Bible that Jesus was as big as Godzilla?"][/caption]

“Enough already with the waiting,” said Jill Grody. “I’m glad to be one of the 3% who will be saying ‘I told you so’ as I meet Jesus in the clouds.”

Harold Camping says that the rapture will occur at 6 pm local time for all people, which raises several interesting questions.

For example, what happens if someone is on a flight heading East and crosses a time zone just as the clock strikes 6? Did they miss their chance to be spared the Tribulation? Good news if the pilots are God-fearing, but bad news for everyone else.

Camping anticipated these questions and is starting a special prayer club that will allow his followers to be raptured early.

“Well, it costs $69.99, but you get access into our Velociraptured Club, saving you time and hassle on your way to heaven,” said Camping.

Website eDiot Cashes in on Rapture Believers

Harold Camping predicts that Christians will be raptured on Saturday, May 21, while the sinful will remain on Earth suffering. While some believe Camping’s prophecy to be true, others are ridiculing him, and one enterprising man is looking to make a little cash.

[caption id="attachment_827" align="alignright" width="300" caption="I swear, this time is really it"][/caption]

Bam Dackson has started eDiot.com, a website that allows believers to sell their possessions to non-believers, giving them money to use before the rapture.

“Why would I need my house after I go to see Jesus?” said Johnny Gladwell. “Just think of what good I could do with a few thousand dollars?”

Dackson says that sales have been a bit disappointing.

“Where is these people’s faith?” said Dackson. “If they were so sure, they would jump at this opportunity.”

Camping says that the creation of eDiot.com provides more evidence for his prediction.

“There is a verse in the Bible,” Camping says, “that, when translated into Klingon and back to English, says, ‘And the smart will make money off the gullible, and the Lions will win the Super Bowl.’ So, whatever happens, at least Detroit will be happy.”

 

UN Strongly Condemns US Unilateral Invasion of London

The United Nations has made public the text of a letter strongly condemning what the body calls “The completely unnecessary unilateral invasion of a sovereign nation.”

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The letter further accuses the U.S. Military of conducting a ground invasion of local and national reporters who are flocking to London to cover the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

The ground troops are being supplemented by helicopter air support, and Londoners are not happy.

“You don't see the BBC going to the Jersey Shore to cover people who are famous for having done nothing, do you?” asked local resident Den Bickson “Cover your own fabricated stories.”

To ensure that no other media outlet scoops them on the latest news from London, every news outlet from NBC's Today Show to the smallest local news station has sent at least one reporter.

Obama “Extremely Offended” by Poor Quality of Racist Photoshop

Marilyn Davenport, an Orange County Republican Party official, thought it would be a good idea to send a funny email to several of her friends. The email featured a picture of three monkeys posed as if to take a family picture. President Obama's face is superimposed on the smallest monkey's face, leading many to call the email racist, or at the very least the most ill-advised political email sent since President Clinton clicked send on the “Re:Cigar afficianado” email. President Obama has finally had enough and released a statement saying that the poor picture quality is deeply offensive.

[caption id="attachment_816" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Try to at least blend it or something. Disgusting."][/caption]

“C'mon man, take some classes or something,” Obama said. “Photoshop for Dummies is about twenty bucks.”

Some have leapt to Davenport's defense, pointing out that President George W. Bush was frequently compared to a monkey, which is equally offensive because of the long history of white people being dehumanized by being compared to primates.

Davenport's email continues a series of poor quality images designed to draw their humor from racist stereotypes.

Photoshop expert Ben Dickson shakes his head while examining the latest image manipulation involving Obama.

“I don't know why this person even invested in Photoshop,” said Dickson. “Work of this quality could have been done in MS Paint for free. The person who made this doesn't even know what the blur tool is. Disgusting.”

 

Nation Refuses to Believe Warning of Impending Asteroid Impact Not “Best April Fool's Joke Ever”

As Friday, April 1^st progresses, an increasingly agitated and alarmed Obama administration is frantically trying to convince the public that an asteroid is heading towards Earth, and people need to act quickly to avoid the annihilation of the human race.

[caption id="attachment_805" align="alignright" width="300" caption="That's gonna leave a mark"][/caption]

The asteroid was first discovered at 2:00 this morning, when an observer at the Palomar Observatory saw an anomaly in the sky. Upon closer inspection, he discovered that the anomaly was a large asteroid traveling towards the planet's surface.

“I couldn't believe my eyes,” said Jim Ross, the observatory employee. “It's the type of event you prepare your whole life for, but hope never actually happens."

Ross's excitement turned to panic when he glanced at the calendar.

“You've got to be kidding me,” he remembers saying as he noticed that today was April Fool's Day, the one day set aside for trying to trick one's friends and family into believing lies.

Ross rang up his boss, who then informed his boss, who then informed the Obama administration that a potential asteroid impact was likely. Each had to spend at least 5-10 minutes convincing the person they were calling that they were not joking.

Source Reveals that Melissa Leo Responsible for Only “5-10% of Overacting” on “The Fighter”

Hollywood insiders are buzzing with the news that Oscar winner Melissa Leo did not do all of her overacting on “The Fighter.” Stunt double Lea Ford has claimed that she did “nearly all” of the histrionics for the role.

[caption id="attachment_802" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Hey look! I won this award that EVERYONE knew I was going to win! I'll act all shocked and surprised!"][/caption]

“I didn’t want to step on any toes, and Melissa surely showed everyone how over the top she can be with her ‘who me?’ bullshit while accepting her Academy Award,” said Ford, “but I would like some credit.”

In “The Fighter,” Leo plays Alice Ward, the brash mother of two fighters played by Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale. Bale won the Oscar for Best Performance at an Awards Show by Facial Hair (by Volume).”

Director David O. Russell tried to stay out of the erupting controversy, but was forced into action when rumors threatened to overshadow his film’s achievement.

“I went back and watched the unedited footage,” Russell said. “Ford did do about 20% of the overacting, but that is to be expected on a movie like this. I gotta hand it to Christian [Bale] though. He did all his own overacting. It was something to see.”

 

Matt Cooke Inspiring Asshole Kids

Even before the NHL handed him a long suspension—the rest of the regular season and first round of the playoffs—Matt Cooke has taken great strides this season to increase his appeal to asshole kids throughout the US and Canada.

[caption id="attachment_795" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Matt Cooke in a rare action shot where he is not trying to end a player's career"][/caption]

“I remember when my dad first took me to a Penguins game,” said 13 year old asshole Geoff Lawrence. “He told me how great Sidney Crosby and Alexei Malkin were, but when I saw Matt Cooke sucker punch a player, I knew whose jersey I wanted.”

For his part, Cooke acknowledges that he is just the latest in a long line of asshole NHL players.

“I used to be so jealous of Sean Avery,” Cooke says. “I mean, that guy could be a douchebag both in and out of the arena. It’s tough enough to be an asshole on the ice; it’s another thing to take that talent outside the arena.”

Lawrence beams when he tells about the time he met his idol.

“I waited outside for the team bus,” said Lawrence. “ I yelled his name and was totally surprised when he looked my way. I asked him to throw me a jersey. He did even better. He threw an elbow. I still have the three teeth he knocked out.”

God Blames Tsunami on Pat Robertson, Fred Phelps

As the estimated deaths for the Japanese tsunami continue to climb and fears of nuclear meltdown escalate, many are looking to the sky and asking, “Why God? Why did you do this?” Apparently, God hates Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson.

[caption id="attachment_792" align="alignright" width="215" caption=""I didn't know there were fags in Japan""][/caption]

“I had received intelligence that suggested that Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson were meeting in Japan to discuss combining forces,” said God. “They decided that they could more effectively hate people different from them if they worked together. Frankly, I got sick and tired of always being blamed for everything bad that happens on Earth.”

God said that he got the idea of a “decapitation strike” in the last decade.

“Hey, occasionally man has a really great idea,” God said with a shrug. “Just like the dyslexics say: You can teach an old God new tricks.”

Fred Phelps leads the widely maligned Westboro Baptist Church, which is a church in the same way Old Navy is a nautical store. Whenever tragic deaths occurs, Fred Phelps and his “congregation” show up to protest outside. They carry signs with Christian slogans like “God Hates Fags.”

“Do I hate fags? Not at all, and I wish you would not use that word,” God said. “I’ll tell you who I do hate. Fred Phelps. I have half a mind to picket his funeral.”

Americans Pledge to Care About Japan For Two to Three Days

As Joel Chillner watched a Youtube video of an enormous wave of water inundating Japanese farmland, he vowed that he would do something to help. A minute later, he sat back in his chair, looking in satisfaction at his new Facebook status, in which he said the tsunami “totally sucks” and he “really really REALLY hopes those people are ok, or at least know how to surf.”

[caption id="attachment_787" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Is Petra Nemcova OK?"][/caption]

Chillner is like many Americans who see disasters unfolding around the world and feel helpless. What can he do from so far away?

Fortunately, the internet has made it much easier for people like Chillner to do something to help people in need, or at least feel like they have done something to help people in need.

Shortly after the first waves hit Japan, celebrities were encouraging their Twitter followers to donate $10 via text. Depending on how extensive the damage turns out to be, the people of Japan may even rate a celebrity telethon.

Joseph Blocko, accountant, says, “I gave several days of my undivided attention to those poor people suffering because of the Gulf oil spill. I’m glad it all turned out all right.”

Increasingly Annoyed Christ Delays Rapture Yet Again

One cannot blame the Son of God for his angry outburst yesterday when he learned that another group of Christians are claiming to know when the Rapture will occur.

[caption id="attachment_782" align="alignright" width="233" caption="I wrote it down for you. It's right there! "][/caption]

“What part of neither the day, nor the hour of my second coming is so hard to get?” said Jesus Christ, as he ripped up another calendar. “It’s right there. If you miss it in Matthew, keep reading, cause it’s in Mark too! I mean Me-dammit!”

According to the Bible, humans are not able to predict the day or time of the Rapture, an eagerly awaited event by evangelical Christians. On this day, believers in Christ will be raptured—taken—from Earth to begin their eternal life with their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

This event has been eagerly awaited since Christ was crucified over two thousand years ago. According to the story, he came back to life after three days and ascended into heaven after promising to return.

He must, however, time his return for a date which nobody can guess, according to Matthew 25:13 – “Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.”

“First I was going to come back in 1988, but some guy figured it out and started selling books,” said Christ. “He even had 88 reasons. Of course he was right, but once he guessed it, I had to reschedule. It’s like the book Catch-22: Once someone guesses it, it’s no longer right.”

Scientists Discover Gay Gene: Republicans Announce Abortion Exception

Scientists at the Johnson Research Laboratory in Andover, NJ have discovered the gene that determines one’s sexual orientation. Later in the day, Reince Priebus, Republican National Committee chairman, announced that the party’s platform had changed to being pro-choice in certain conditions.

[caption id="attachment_778" align="alignright" width="300" caption="What does this guy know about gay genes?"][/caption]

“You know, sometimes we make mistakes,” Priebus said. “We realized that the pro-choice people had some good points. As much as we would hope that people don’t choose to have an abortion, is it morally right to bring into the world a child who is destined to burn in hell?”

The latest change in policy comes in the midst of a Republican resurgence, in which newly elected lawmakers attempt to change laws to make government smaller. According to RNC spokesman Roger Ailes, “If government is not small, how can we insert it into women’s reproductive organs?”

Science ethicists disagree on the impact of the gay gene discovery. “There is no way to distinguish between ‘camps out for Kathy Griffin tickets’ gay and ‘dykes out for a semester in college’ gay,” says concerned ethicist Mark Devis, author of the popular column “Putting the Gene-y Back in the Bottle.”

This about-face on abortion restrictions is surprising because Republican state legislators have been proposing an increasingly stringent series of bills to limit a woman’s right to have an abortion. One such law slapped doctors with restraining orders that kept them from being within 100 yards of a fetus.