Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven - #1. Jersey Shore

1. Jersey Shore – On my list of things that made me want to give up on humanity, this was far and away the greatest. This show represents the second horseman of the apocalypse (Tyra Banks is the first), which you will be able to discern by its artificially orange skin and copious amount of gel in its mane. The hoof-pumping is also a dead giveaway.

Italian groups are outraged over the portrayal of Italian-Americans in the MTV show, but anyone who lives anywhere near the Jersey shore knows that there is no exaggeration here, these people really exist. The only positive part of this show is watching the public ridicule these douchebags. If you could go back in time ten years and describe this show to people, nobody would believe it. "Wait, so people who look like oompa-loompas are going to be on television acting like whores and drunken douchebags? And people are going to watch this?" Our country lost its collective shit over Janet Jackson's nipple. A nipple, which any child can see by going to their bathroom mirror and taking off their shirt. Come on, America. Use your capacity to make entirely too much out of any situation for good, for once. Won't someone think of the children?

What is our societal fascination with promoting idiocy? Bad behavior is something to be ridiculed, not rewarded. This show's presence on television, much less with regular viewers, tells one all they need to know about our society. Admit it, doesn't the fact that this show even exists make you ashamed to be an American? It should. One of their "names" is "The Situation." While I have to admit I'm impressed that he knows a four syllable word, why would anyone choose to call themselves "The Situation." From now on, I want you to refer to me as "The Circumstances."

I want to be perfectly clear: I do not condone nor advocate violence towards women. But be honest, didn't watching Snooki (typing that name is the low point in my fake journalism career) get punched in the face make you feel some kind of positive emotion? It's like an internal struggle between knowing something is unacceptable and somehow rooting for it to happen, like my entire-movie-long wish for the cameraman to die a horrible death in Cloverfield. It is a tribute to the level of disgust I have towards all people involved in this show that I could even momentarily think "awesome!" when seeing a woman get punched in the face. That's just plain sad.

Come back tomorrow for honorable mentions!

The Final List:

10. Annoying Facebook Behavior

9. The Snuggie

8. Jennifer Aniston

7. Balloon Boy

6. Glenn Beck

5. Teabaggers

4. I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant

3. Sarah Palin

2. Jon and Kate

1. Jersey Shore