[caption id="attachment_670" align="alignright" width="300"]
You guys are SO dead.[/caption]"They said something about a Jack Bauer or something," says Jackson. "I work at a non-descript office building as a receptionist. I don't know any Jack Bauer…oh wait...I remember seeing a man with jeans run after another man, while yelling into a cell phone, 'This is Jack Bauer, dammit! Put me through to the President!' I think he said something about running out of time. That's the only time I've ever been close to the man, so I don't know what's going on here."
Jackson is just the latest person to be denied health coverage due to contact with Jack Bauer, which is classified by insurance companies as a "pre-existing condition." Insurance companies cite actuarial tables showing an alarming increase in the mortality rate of people who come into contact with the CTU agent.
John Clark, spokesperson for United Healthcare would not return our calls, but faxed a prepared statement:
"Our heart goes out to each and every person to whom we have to deny coverage. The unfortunate reality is that we cannot accept high-risk patients, because the money we spend on their treatment severely lowers the level of care we can offer our other patients. Look at the record, Jack Bauer has lost nearly every partner he has ever had. Those who do not die become a criminal, which obviously increases the risk of a major health claim. Meeting Jack Bauer is only slightly safer than skydiving without a parachute.
"Often, people who witness Jack Bauer's activities but do not come into direct contact with him come across a vital piece of evidence without realizing it. This inevitably leads to them being tortured by power tools - probably the new Black and Decker circular saw that's coming out in the spring if the rumored sponsorship deal with Fox goes through. Power tool inflicted wounds are very expensive to treat so it is unfair for people to expect it to be included in their coverage.
"When Jack Bauer encounters gunfire, an amazing phenomenon occurs. He seems to have a natural ability to repel bullets; however, the unintended consequence is that those bullets hit other people in greater numbers. We can offer temporary policies to people close to him, but only if they play a major part in his current investigation and only for the first twelve hours of that day's case."
As companies scramble to contain costs, more things are being added to the list of "pre-existing conditions." One insurance company asks each applicant a list of questions that include some of the following:
1. Do you ever beam down to an alien planet while wearing a red shirt?
2. Does your boyfriend or relative have supernatural powers that he uses to save innocent people on a regular basis?
3. Do you do menial work for the Dharma Initiative?
4. Is your best friend a werewolf?
5. Are you a black person who finds themselves and their group of white friends in a scary or supernatural situation?
6. Do you ever find yourself between Al Sharpton and a camera?
7. When the entire world blacks out and sees 6 months into the future, did you see nothing?
8. Does your school librarian keep many books about witchcraft, werewolves, and, most importantly, vampires?
9. Have you recently seen a car with two good-looking FBI agents and a lot of sexual tension between them?
10. Are you frequently in a car driven by a member of the Kennedy family?
11. Have you seen a 1950's British Police Box in your neighborhood - especially if you don't live in the 1950s or Britain?
12. Did you have a dream of you and all your friends dying in a horrible accident, but told everyone about your premonition and saved most of you?
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