At years end, everyone and their brother (and their sister in non-Islamic countries) write some kind of top ten list. To maintain that tradition, I decided to write a year-end top ten list. Rather than counting down my top ten movies or top ten varieties of cheese, here is my list of ten things that really sucked this year.
10. Annoying Facebook Behavior
Facebook has allowed people to reconnect with people with whom they have lost contact over the years. In some cases, it only takes a day or two to remember why we lost contact with them. While Facebook is a social networking tool with great potential, it also has a tremendous capacity to annoy. Here are some Facebook behaviors that your friends find annoying, even if they won't tell you. If you do these things, you're likely not a bad person, but you are unnecessarily annoying people.
It's Facebook, not YourKidBook. We realize that being a parent is something new and exciting for everyone. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being happy and proud of your children, in fact, it's great that you care so much about them. However, remember that you feel that way because they're your children. Do you find yourself thinking, "If only my friends would tell me all about their kids in every Facebook status" or "I wish I got daily pictures of other people's kids?" No. There's a reason you don't think that. Also, you're not the first person to be pregnant. All that stuff you complain about? It's happened to every pregnant person ever.
Look at MEEEEEEEEE!!!!. The whole vague status update gets old around the third time. "Jimmy Wellington can't believe it happened again…" Oh my God, Jimmy, what happened? Are you OK? Is everything all right? Your scheme to get people to pay attention to you is as transparent as it is annoying. If you don't want to be specific, maybe it's not a good idea to post your complaint in a public forum.
Making Fun of Other People's Facebook Habits When Yours Likely Annoy People as Well. Moving on...
Who are you again? This is when someone you almost never talk to sends you a message out of nowhere, acting like the two of you are best friends. I'm guessing this is the new version of the drunk dial.
9. The Snuggie - On the one hand, I have to hand it to the person who invented the Snuggie. Not since the Pet Rock has someone made so much money selling something so ridiculous.
It Looks Ridiculous – There's a reason that people hadn't made wearable blankets before. It's one of those ideas that sounds great in theory, but looks ridiculous in actuality. "Wouldn't it be great if I could experience the warmth of a blanket, without having to worry about it falling off when I move about?" Yeah, I guess it would. I also wish I could experience that level of warmth throughout daily life, but it would look ludicrous for me to drive around with a blanket on. It looks no less ridiculous walking around your house.
I have no way to prove this, but I believe that the only men who have ever worn a Snuggie of their own free will are the men in the advertisements and on the packaging. According to the commercial, it's perfectly acceptable to wear The Snuggie to sporting events. If I was a high school athlete, I would buy Snuggies for the parents of all the opposing team's players. It would be easy to win the game with the other team dying of embarassment that their parents are wearing a Snuggie in public. The only place I can see this outfit fitting in is a religious service in the woods where there is a large bowl of Kool-Aid served as the culminating activity.
What Is The Point? – Doesn't most heat escape through your head? Why isn't there a hood on the Snuggie? What about your hands and feet? Aren't they going to get cold when you try to do something like reach for a telephone or eat ice cream while watching Lifetime movies? This is exactly like every product sold on television. They market it to you by insulting your intelligence. "Are you so stupid that you can't open a can without slicing your jugular? Well, the Easy-Open is for you!" If your blanket is slipping when you're on the couch, get a bigger blanket. Or get two! You're welcome.
Something Like This Already Exists – It's called a bathrobe. It's something that's made out of warm material, is wearable, and culturally acceptable. Plus, nobody thinks it's OK to wear a bathrobe to a sporting event.
8. Jennifer Aniston – This one is tough. I want to like Jennifer Aniston. I liked her in Friends. She seems like a likeable person. Yet, there's a problem. She's on at least one magazine cover every time I go to the supermarket. But, it's not just that. It's always a variation of "Jen: True Love, Finally!" and "Jen: Heartbroken After xxxxxx Dumps Her!" This repeats anew every so often, typically when she has a movie coming out. This leads me to believe that I have successfully mapped the Jennifer Aniston dating cycle.
1. Jennifer Aniston meets a guy and he decides to go out on a date with her, which is completely natural, because she is, after all, very attractive and seems to be a nice person.
2. They go out on one date. The guy has a very nice time and plans to see her again.
3. Her publicist calls every magazine and tells them all about the date, providing exclusive information to each magazine.
4. Every magazine prints some variation of "Jen and xxxxx: True Love!" or "Finally, Jen Hears Wedding Bells!" or "Jen and xxxxxx Moving In Together?"
5. The guy freaks out and says to himself, "No amount of attractiveness is worth this headache."
6. The guy tries to extricate himself from the situation. The manner in which he accomplishes this provides the only variety in the cycle.
7. Since any publicity is good publicity, Aniston's publicist contacts every magazine and tells them all about the breakup, providing exclusive information to each magazine.
8. Every magazine prints some variation of "Jen: Heartbroken!" or "Heartbreak Again for Jen!"
9. Jennifer Aniston meets a guy and he decides to go out on a date with her, which is completely natural, because she is, after all, very attractive and seems to be a nice person.
Don't believe me? Wait for her next movie to come out.
7. Balloon Boy – This story had everything I hate about our society. Parents who give their children ridiculous names (Did you name your kid after a Midwest state? You might as well install a pole in her bedroom so she can get some practice for her future career), the twenty-four hour news cycle that values exclusive "information" over verified facts, and reality television, which will appear in future installments of this list.
Of course, it's not every day that you get to watch a bag of Jiffy Pop soar majestically through the air like some kind of large bird like an eagle or something. It's right on the tip of my tongue. Oh yeah, Falcon. That was my first clue that the kid wasn't really in the balloon. Well, that and the use of my eyes to visually acquire information about the size and shape of the balloon, which then sent the information to my brain to process and send a signal to my mouth to say "WTFuck?! You're seriously trying to tell me there's a kid riding in that? Where? Does he have Saddam's WMDs with him? Is he riding on an invisible unicorn under the balloon?"
I was shocked to learn that parents who name their kid Falcon exploited him for supposed fame and fortune. I guess being known as the douche in the balloon kinda qualifies as fame, I mean, you can't spell "infamous" without "famous." The strange thing is that the kid would have had a better chance at a well-adjusted life if his parents had named him Falco.
The only part of this story I liked was when the kid threw up on national television.
Twice.
Good.
The only way it could have been better was if he had projectile vomited – Exorcist style – right on his parents and on the studio people who fought for the rights to put this sorry excuse for a family on television. After spending countless hours showing this supposedly gripping story, they just had to get this family on their morning shows to talk about it. And you just know that they will be rewarded with some type of reality show about their "struggle." I'd make a comment about another famous person who documented his struggle, but I promised to give up Godwinning things for New Years.
Falcon is relatively innocent in all of this. He's just a kid who didn't really know any better. It's not like he had any moral role model growing up. The angel on his shoulder is being played by Dax Shepard's character in Idiocracy. So no, it's not him, but everyone else in this story who made this story into one of the most annoying stories of the year.
6. Glenn Beck – I'm becoming increasingly convinced that Glenn Beck is Stephen Colbert without the winking nod, an Andy Kaufman for our time. It is becoming increasingly more difficult to pretend that he believes what he says, and is either out to make money off of dupes or is the greatest IRL troll of our generation.
For the time being, I'm going to go along with the notion that he's serious. His inclusion on the list represents not only him, but other talk radio and Fox News personalities, like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter – The Axis of Idiocy.
A problem arises because it's difficult to put these people into the same category. For example, I think Sean Hannity truly believes what he says. He has had brain surgery to turn off the part of his brain that stops your mouth from moving when you know you're saying something that makes no sense. Ann Coulter, however, says whatever she feels will cause the most controversy and make her the most money. The level of idiocy is comparable, but the intent is different. But, even with all this competition, Glenn Beck has emerged as the group's Cryer-in-Chief.
Glenn Beck's latest book is called "Arguing With Idiots," for which I'm shocked Ann Coulter is not suing, since she has written books titled "If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans" and "How To Talk To a Liberal (If You Must): The World According to Ann Coulter." This is one of the group's most annoying characteristics. If you disagree with them, you're an idiot. If you're a liberal (which has come to mean "don't follow lockstep with every position"), you're an idiot. And if these super-intelligent people are going to deign to talk to you, they must use certain protocols, so your lower-evolved, I mean less-intelligently-designed, brain can comprehend the lessons they are teaching you.
The truth is not important, and facts are to be used when convenient. The narrative is the important part, and is based less on facts than on fear. The idea is for you to become afraid of everything that happens, because if they are pointing out the "problem," it would follow that they should know the solution. Of course, the problems are invented, which means their solutions are irrelevant.
Beck is on this year's list because he embodies the worst of this type of entertainment. When President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, I wrote a story about it that concluded with the following parody of how Beck would cover the news on his show. Sadly, I would not have been surprised if he actually said this on the show.
“Now, you see here on this board I’ve written NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. Seems pretty harmless, right? Well, what happens when you take the letters BEL and flip them? NOLEB PEACE PRIZE. What if I add a space? NO LEB PEACE PRIZE. Take away the P? NO LEB PEACE RIZE. Add in one, just one, comma and exclamation point. NO LEB PEACE, RIZE! Is this a call to arms for the people of Lebanon? Is this saying that Hezbollah should continue to attack our friend and ally Israel? If President Obama accepts this award, is he siding with people who want to attack our allies? Is he supporting terrorism? Some people say so, and we’ll talk to them later.”
5. Teabaggers – Sure, now they want to be called the Tea Partiers or Tea Party Patriots, but in the beginning they were calling themselves Teabaggers. I will continue to honor their original wishes, mainly because their choice of name illustrates their amazing lack of common sense.
Sure, many of these people claim that they were just as upset under Bush, but let's take a look at the abbreviated timeline:
Patriot Act, October 26, 2001. Teabagger response: "Fourth Amendment? What Fourth Amendment?"
Invasion of Iraq, March 20, 2003. Teabagger response: "Go get those WMDs!" later amended to "Saddam is a bad man" later amended to "You'll take our democracy if you know what's good for you!"
Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse photos, torture memos, extreme rendition, warrantless wiretapping, all fine.
Health Care Reform, Teabagger response: "Oh, hell no!"
It would be hard for me to ridicule them more than they've (unintentionally) ridiculed themselves. From the horrible spelling and grammar on their signs to their lack of specificity in any of their arguments (asking them to define socialism, communism, fascism, and Marxism is a fun and revealing exercise), they are foot soldiers in the politics of fear.
Under President Bush, daring to criticize the president in a time of war was treasonous. Under President Obama, a Congressman calling the president a liar during an address to Congress: Totally cool.
The teabagger movement brought us the August of Town Halls, or as the protesters thought of them Town Hells. Because of this August movement, we now have hours of footage of people screaming at their House and Senate representatives. But, it goes further than that. The teabaggers claimed they were just utilizing their first amendment right to free speech. However, a town hall is supposed to be a place where people can all share their views. When proponents of health care reform tried to speak, they were shouted down by these patriots of free speech. The amazing thing is they didn't realize the irony.
The teabaggers are not interested in having a voice in the process, they are interested in shutting the process down. Though they try to deny party affiliations, they have become a perfect representative of the current Republican Party, in which fear outweighs facts, slogans outweigh critical thinking, and party outweighs country.
4. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant – Anyone who knows me knows that I hate reality television. The original concept was intriguing, but it quickly became apparent that "reality" television was just improv using untrained actors who moonlight as horrible human beings. Most shows have devolved into a game of constant one-upmanship: How many douchebags can we fit in a house, and how much prodding do they need to act like assholes? I'm not interested in that, as I can just go down to a club at the Jersey Shore if I want to see that. Oh wait…
In addition to the tried-and-true method of confined douchebag assembly, a newer variation of reality shows have emerged, focused on extreme situations. In the same way that paterntiy suit participants on the Maury Povich Show have increased the reliability of their claims (I think the current standard is "I am 10,000% sure that ain't my baby!"), these shows have become more and more ridiculous. This year's "Ow! My Balls!" award for most ridiculous reality show goes to our number four entry: "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."
For those of you lucky enough to never have seen this before, the title is literal. There is no grand metaphor about not being in tune with the fetus growning inside the mother, they literally did not know they were pregnant, or so they claim. I'm generally not in favor of any kind of intelligence test to be able to have a child, but I'm finding it hard to disagree with a standard that at some point in a NINE MONTH PERIOD, you couldn't figure out that you were pregnant. I think you would be declared mentally unfit to stand trial if you didn't have the mental capacity to discern a pregnancy, so I don't think you'd be able to properly care for the life of a child.
Thankfully, I have only seen a few short clips from the show, which is the benefit of watching The Soup. The climactic scene usually involves the show's subject retiring to the bathroom to use the toilet, because they think they have a very bad case on constipation. They then proceed to give birth, depositing the baby into the toilet. In a way, this is breathtakingly poetic, since with a mother like that, the baby is likely to have a shitty life.
3. Sarah Palin – Ah, the only question regarding Mrs. Palin was what spot she would take up on the list. She is truly a remarkable person, as many people whom I consider intelligent have tried to convince me that she really is smart and the media is out to get her. You see the problem that I have with believing that is that I have this thing called a memory, and I can recall prior events and incorporate them into my understanding of current events. Take for instance the infamous Katie Couric interview, which for many was the first major clue that there was something seriously wrong with Palin as a Vice-Presidential candidate. Some gave her the benefit of the doubt in the Charles Gibson interview, in which she could not comment coherently on the Bush Doctrine. I am far from a political expert, but I knew exactly to what Gibson was referring, simply by reading several political articles each day from a variety of viewpoints. Political white knights sprang to her rescue, arguing that there were several Bush Doctrines, and pretending that if they were asked the same question, they would answer with the same level of incompetence.
Yes, I am going back to events that happened before 2009, but it is necessary to point out the depth of delusion in her avid supporters. The Katie Couric interview was a turning point in the way non-hardcore Republican voters viewed her. After her poor performance, in which she seemed unable to answer simple questions such as, "what papers do you read?" Palin's supporters claimed that Couric had cleverly manipulated the interview to make Palin look bad. These same people were complaining about Couric's competency to be a network news anchor when she took over the CBS Evening News. So, suddenly, she goes from incompetent journalist to devious mastermind, who single-handedly thwarted Palin from answering simple questions.
Following her defeat in November 2008, many held out hope that Palin would fade into the background like other defeated VP candidates. Unfortunately, her loss gave her the opportunity to ratchet up her brand of no-nothing politics, which involved such interesting moves as resigning her position as Governor of Alaska so she could better serve its citizens. She was a pioneer in political internet communication, offering her ideas on policy positions on the popular social networking site Facebook, just like zero other respected politicians. She also has a popular Twitter account, where she posts well-written opinions such as " ...merged bill may b unrecognizable from what assumed was a done deal:R death panels back in?what's punishment 4not purchasing mandated HC?" and " Earth saw clmate chnge4 ions;will cont 2 c chnges.R duty2responsbly devlop resorces4humankind/not pollute&destroy;but cant alter naturl chng." But that's Sarah Palin for you, a real maverick. When others attempt to maintain some semblance of proper writing in their tweets, Sarah bucks the trend and writes like a twelve-year-old girl tweeting about her first boyfriend. Rather than finding clear and concise methods of communicating, Palin just crams as much as she can into 140 characters.
So, what will 2010 bring for Sarah Palin? She will likely behave like the completely hypocritical person she is turning out to be. She claims the press is restricting her freedom of speech, and then bars three public citizens from attending one of her book signings. She claims to put her family first and asks the media to stop focusing on her family, yet she parades them around every chance she gets. She even brought Trig on her book signing tour, showing him off to the crowd before handing him off to an aide. To her, everything is a means to an end, which is Sarah.
2. Jon and Kate – As I mentioned in #4, I hate reality television. Nobody cares about the people involved in the shows; the only concern is ratings. It is not often that child abuse is shown on national television, but TLC decided to bravely forge ahead with a new era of exploitation. For starters, there is a reason that humans very rarely have a large number of children at one time. Before having a large number of children at one time meant getting your own reality show, there was no way to financially support such a suddenly large family unless you were very wealthy. It is irresponsible and completely unfair to the children to choose to have such a large number of children at one time.
According to all sources I could find, the couple used an artificial fertility method because of a fertility problem with one of them. They didn't plan on having six children, but when they found out that's what was going to happen, the reportedly said, "no way!" to reduction. This is hypocrisy at its finest. Going against God, nature, or whatever you want to call it to become pregnant: Completely acceptable. Limiting the number of children: Completely unacceptable. You don't get to have it both ways; you're playing God.
So, flash-forward to the inevitable split. I feel so bad for these people who had their lives torn apart by the pressure of fame that they brought upon themselves in every decision they made. You don't get to choose only the good parts of fame. Along with the money and the recognition comes the scrutiny. They chose to exploit themselves, and worse, chose to exploit their children. Just like with Balloon Boy, the kids are the only innocent victims here. They didn't make a conscious decision to live their childhood on television, with the inevitable damage that brings. They just want to have a healthy, happy childhood without worrying if people are ridiculing their mother for her Flock of Seagulls throwback hairstyle. They didn't ask for their dad to be douchebag of the year. The entire rest of their lives are influenced by the selfish decisions of their parents and the cold-hearted exploitation by the show's producers and network executives.
The kids are the only real victims. Forget the parents' relationship status; the kids need a divorce from these sick people.
1. Jersey Shore – On my list of things that made me want to give up on humanity, this was far and away the greatest. This show represents the second horseman of the apocalypse (Tyra Banks is the first), which you will be able to discern by its artificially orange skin and copious amount of gel in its mane. The hoof-pumping is also a dead giveaway.
Italian groups are outraged over the portrayal of Italian-Americans in the MTV show, but anyone who lives anywhere near the Jersey shore knows that there is no exaggeration here, these people really exist. The only positive part of this show is watching the public ridicule these douchebags. If you could go back in time ten years and describe this show to people, nobody would believe it. "Wait, so people who look like oompa-loompas are going to be on television acting like whores and drunken douchebags? And people are going to watch this?" Our country lost its collective shit over Janet Jackson's nipple. A nipple, which any child can see by going to their bathroom mirror and taking off their shirt. Come on, America. Use your capacity to make entirely too much out of any situation for good, for once. Won't someone think of the children?
What is our societal fascination with promoting idiocy? Bad behavior is something to be ridiculed, not rewarded. This show's presence on television, much less with regular viewers, tells one all they need to know about our society. Admit it, doesn't the fact that this show even exists make you ashamed to be an American? It should. One of their "names" is "The Situation." While I have to admit I'm impressed that he knows a four syllable word, why would anyone choose to call themselves "The Situation." From now on, I want you to refer to me as "The Circumstances."
I want to be perfectly clear: I do not condone nor advocate violence towards women. But be honest, didn't watching Snooki (typing that name is the low point in my fake journalism career) get punched in the face make you feel some kind of positive emotion? It's like an internal struggle between knowing something is unacceptable and somehow rooting for it to happen, like my entire-movie-long wish for the cameraman to die a horrible death in Cloverfield. It is a tribute to the level of disgust I have towards all people involved in this show that I could even momentarily think "awesome!" when seeing a woman get punched in the face. That's just plain sad.
Honorable Mentions: Here are a few of the things that nearly made the list.
Twi-hards – Aside from being responsible for the explosion in vampire movies, television shows, children's toys, and breakfast cereals, Twilight has spawned a legion of obsessed women. Being a Lost fan, I know what it's like to be obsessed over something that other people find foolish. However, there is a bit of a disturbing issue with Twilight that I did not see reported in any major media outlet that covered the phenomenon. Taylor Lautner is seventeen years old. Grown men counting down the days until an attractive female celebrity turns eighteen? Pedophiles. Forty-year-old women screaming when Taylor Lautner takes his shirt of in the movie? Completely acceptable.
Commercials: There will always be commercials that I find extremely irritating, but they seem to be getting more so. Here are a few that really annoyed the hell out of me this year.
Windows 7 Was Not Your Idea – Congratulations, Microsoft. Apple set the bar very high with their irritatingly smug "I'm a Mac" commercials, yet you bounded over it as if it was inches off the ground. Why do you think that we want to see the type of people we hate in real life as characters in your commercials? Here's a hint: We don’t. If I went over someone's house and he regaled me with his exciting tale of how he had a problem with Windows and he thought of a solution, which was later featured in Windows 7, and this meant that he was responsible for the idea, I would leave, unfriend him on Facebook, unfollow him on Twitter, and try to avoid future contact. Why the hell do you think watching this idiot is going to make me buy your product? Just change your slogan to: Windows 7: Windows Vista was so fucked that this idiot figured out a better way to do things.
Shut Up About Rollover Minutes! – If you haven't noticed already, in the world of commercials, most men are idiots and most women are bitches. Exhibit A. The Cingular commercials. Basically, these are the exact same ad, with slightly different setup. The mom gets upset because her kids just can't seem to grasp the concept of rollover minutes. Even though she's yelled at them on at least 10 different occasions, the idiots just can't seem to get it. This tells me that either her kids hate her and are playing dumb just to upset her, or her parenting style of constantly yelling at her kids is not working. I'm not sure which one is better.
FreePunchInTheFace.com – By now, there are enough FreeCreditReport.com commercials to make an album. Am I supposed to want to punch the singer in the face at the end of the commercials or buy their product? If it's the former, their commercials are brilliant. If it's the latter, they're shit.
How about you? What did I leave off the list?
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