People who don’t live in the Northeast have had trouble understanding just how devastating Hurricane Sandy was to the area. The Fake News, through the generosity of Mark Davis, has obtained a diary from one of the survivors. We cannot verify its authenticity, but we present it to you unedited. Here are entries 7-9 (out of 11)Entry 7: the wasteland is worse than I ever could have imagined. The road I needed to use was closed, forcing me to trek onto main roads. On the highway, no one was permitted to turn left because of the impending impact of space debris in those exact locations. I can only assume the right lanes were closed due to radioactive materials in the drainage systems, which makes driving in that lane incredibly dangerous. One can only assume mutated creatures are now dwelling in the sewers. I saw millions fleeing from the impending doom; they filled gas stations and wawas, fearing the power outages may last years and fearing their provisions will only last 3-4 days. For now, I am safe but none the better for it. I am fearful of the journey back.
Entry 8: the ride home was no better. I ventured down back roads in an attempt to avoid the chaos of the busy streets only to find road after road closed. At each closure, my fear grew more intense, as each could have been a well-place trap. Desperate for help, I enlisted the help of a wanderer who was traveling on the edge of the road. It was apparent that this wanderer was adversely affected by the storm: his teeth were incredibly crooked, his face was odd and not well-kept, he talked with an accent foreign to me, and worst of all, he sported an AC Delco baseball cap. I was unsure if he was still human, as he easily could have been a vampire or a zombie of some sort, but I trusted him none the less. He gave me directions that were accurate, although many alterations had to be made due to more closed roads. As I traversed these roads, the check engine light that was on in my car was a constant reminder of how volatile my situation was and is. I am home now, and I am as safe as I can be given the current circumstances.
Entry 9: at home, my survival expert friend visited with the vain hope of easing both of our hardships. He, unlike me, does not have a generator, and thus is not in as great of peril as I am facing. To open his eyes to my plight, I forced him to experience first hand what it is like to have the generator run out of gas while one is attempting to play a non-internet connected video game. Not only did I force him through that horror, but I also forced him to manually refill the generator with the supplied gasoline. Afterwards, I believe he had a better sense of what it means to suffer. My time with him was amble yet not well-spent; since he is a survivalist and a thief, two qualities that when coupled create a dangerous individual, I was filled with constant trepidation, and I was unable to divert my eyes from him for a second. In this state, he and I watched a mutually agreed upon movie and got a double dose of nostalgia of times before the storm. As he left, I fear he may have swindled my things while in the shadows. Although a scary thought, the AC Delco hatted man may have been more trustworthy company. Sleep awaits.
Earlier entries here and here.
*This is clearly (hopefully) meant to satirize those complaining about mild inconveniences, not to trivialize those with serious needs. Please donate to help Hurricane Sandy victims here.
