The Wasteland Diary - Entries 10 and 11

People who don’t live in the Northeast have had trouble understanding just how devastating Hurricane Sandy was to the area. The Fake News, through the generosity of Mark Davis, has obtained a diary from one of the survivors. We cannot verify its authenticity, but we present it to you unedited. Here are the last two entries

Entry 10: today has been an uneventful and dreadful day. I find it increasing difficult to even continue writing these entries. The majority of the day I spent venturing about, the highlight being my journey to a distant store. My goal was to obtain a computer chair since mine was destroyed by the survivalist thief. To my dismay, the employees must have had their intelligence decreased tenfold by the storming, rendering them completely useless at answering my question about an item that was on sale. They may have been zombies for all I know, but as usual during this trauma I have been experiencing, I took matters into my own hands and found the information I required. I purchased the chair which will hopefully ease my suffering, although I will not be able to assemble it in the near future. Regardless, I fear that my seemingly endless suffering is not even close to coming to an end. Now, I am with the survivalist thief, and he is currently eating tuna that he probably scavenged from a distant water source -- I am fearful of asking him too many questions. Hopefully my melancholy will cease in the coming days, but with conditions so grim, I doubt that is possible.

Entry 11: power has been restored. As I exit my vault, the world seems to be a better place, although I do not know if I will ever fully recover from this dreadful experience. All I know is that no one had it as bad as me, and through my turmoil, I re-affirmed my belief that death would have been better than losing internet. Even Job would pity me and my macabre situation. So ends my miserable experience and my posts via this awful smartphone that is more of a burden than anything because of the way it taunts one while attempting to use it to access the internet. May God watch over us all, and if that is not possible, may He watch over only me so that this never happens again.

Earlier entries here , here and here.

*This is clearly (hopefully) meant to satirize those complaining about mild inconveniences, not to trivialize those with serious needs. Please donate to help Hurricane Sandy victims here.

The Wasteland Diary - Entries 7 through 9

People who don’t live in the Northeast have had trouble understanding just how devastating Hurricane Sandy was to the area. The Fake News, through the generosity of Mark Davis, has obtained a diary from one of the survivors. We cannot verify its authenticity, but we present it to you unedited. Here are entries 7-9 (out of 11)

Entry 7: the wasteland is worse than I ever could have imagined. The road I needed to use was closed, forcing me to trek onto main roads. On the highway, no one was permitted to turn left because of the impending impact of space debris in those exact locations. I can only assume the right lanes were closed due to radioactive materials in the drainage systems, which makes driving in that lane incredibly dangerous. One can only assume mutated creatures are now dwelling in the sewers. I saw millions fleeing from the impending doom; they filled gas stations and wawas, fearing the power outages may last years and fearing their provisions will only last 3-4 days. For now, I am safe but none the better for it. I am fearful of the journey back.

Entry 8: the ride home was no better. I ventured down back roads in an attempt to avoid the chaos of the busy streets only to find road after road closed. At each closure, my fear grew more intense, as each could have been a well-place trap. Desperate for help, I enlisted the help of a wanderer who was traveling on the edge of the road. It was apparent that this wanderer was adversely affected by the storm: his teeth were incredibly crooked, his face was odd and not well-kept, he talked with an accent foreign to me, and worst of all, he sported an AC Delco baseball cap. I was unsure if he was still human, as he easily could have been a vampire or a zombie of some sort, but I trusted him none the less. He gave me directions that were accurate, although many alterations had to be made due to more closed roads. As I traversed these roads, the check engine light that was on in my car was a constant reminder of how volatile my situation was and is. I am home now, and I am as safe as I can be given the current circumstances.

Entry 9: at home, my survival expert friend visited with the vain hope of easing both of our hardships. He, unlike me, does not have a generator, and thus is not in as great of peril as I am facing. To open his eyes to my plight, I forced him to experience first hand what it is like to have the generator run out of gas while one is attempting to play a non-internet connected video game. Not only did I force him through that horror, but I also forced him to manually refill the generator with the supplied gasoline. Afterwards, I believe he had a better sense of what it means to suffer. My time with him was amble yet not well-spent; since he is a survivalist and a thief, two qualities that when coupled create a dangerous individual, I was filled with constant trepidation, and I was unable to divert my eyes from him for a second. In this state, he and I watched a mutually agreed upon movie and got a double dose of nostalgia of times before the storm. As he left, I fear he may have swindled my things while in the shadows. Although a scary thought, the AC Delco hatted man may have been more trustworthy company. Sleep awaits.

Earlier entries here and here.

*This is clearly (hopefully) meant to satirize those complaining about mild inconveniences, not to trivialize those with serious needs. Please donate to help Hurricane Sandy victims here.

The Wasteland Diary - Entries 4 through 6

People who don't live in the Northeast have had trouble understanding just how devastating Hurricane Sandy was to the area. The Fake News, through the generosity of Mark Davis, has obtained a diary from one of the survivors. We cannot verify its authenticity, but we present it to you unedited. Here are entries 4-6 (out of 11)

Entry 4: lunchtime. With provisions running low, the family had to make a decision. Although morbid to most, we decided to draw straws to see who was going to make the ultimate sacrifice so the others could eat well and live. Unfortunately, that poor soul was me. As a result, I was forced to turn down other better food and eat a ham and cheese sandwich, a disgusting thought considering the age in which we live. At this rate, we may all be reduced to eating pbj sandwiches in 2-3 days. I forced down the sandwich only to find that my dessert was fun sized peanut M&Ms, and we all know there is nothing fun about that quantity of candy.

Entry 5: full-fledged nightfall brings the most barbaric conditions yet. With only the light of a flashlight, I took the most dreadful shower one could imagine. The water had not the capacity to reach scorching hot levels, and I curtailed my regular 25 minute shower to a mere ten minutes because of the fear that the water may turn cold upon 10-20 minutes more of use. Then, when exiting the shower, I found the temperature to be 3 degrees cooler than what I would consider comfortable shower exiting temperature. The barbarity only increased as I went upstairs to find that someone had ate all the chocolate ice cream sandwiches, forcing me to settle for mint ice cream sandwiches. The dark is dreary and oppressive, and as I write this, the generator kicks off with my game unsaved. Can I go on knowing that 2 hours worth of playing has been for nothing? Time will only tell.

Entry 6: all hope is almost lost. As I was exploring mothership zeta, the generator kicked off a moment, making half of my exploration meaningless. The loss in morale has made me decide to explore the wasteland in search of power and internet. With only a poptart, cereal, and wawa chicken sandwich in my stomach, I venture into the unknown in a likely vain and futile expedition to find just a sliver of hope and lost morale.

Earlier entries here.

*This is clearly (hopefully) meant to satirize those complaining about mild inconveniences, not to trivialize those with serious needs. Please donate to help Hurricane Sandy victims here.

The Wasteland Diary - Entries 1 through 3

People who don't live in the Northeast have had trouble understanding just how devastating Hurricane Sandy was to the area. The Fake News, through the generosity of Mark Davis, has obtained a diary from one of the survivors. We cannot verify its authenticity, but we present it to you unedited. Here are entries 1-3 (out of 11)

Entry 1: the storms came. Now I am without power or internet. Without the ability to look it up, I can only assume that 80 percent of the population is now dead. The other 20 percent have it even worse with no power or internet. The world is now a bleak place, and I can only hope for my rations to carry me through. At the very least, I hope my phone lasts until nightfall. If all is lost, please let god take me quick and painlessly. I don't know how I'm going to survive this...

Entry 2: I was forced to eat cold cereal this morning instead of my traditional oatmeal. Kids in Africa do not have it this bad. The facebook app on this phone works as well as the typical retail seasonal employee. As of now, I am confined to my room that is only lit by what can only be called non-artificial light. It hurts my eyes. God, please help me through this.

Entry 3: extension cords from the backup generator have been run to my living corridors. With this, life has become more grim. How can one use modern appliances such as a computer or a video game console without the internet? Morale is at an all-time low. I wish I did not have the misfortune of having a backup generator. The end seems near...

*This is clearly (hopefully) meant to satirize those complaining about mild inconveniences, not to trivialize those with serious needs. Please donate to help Hurricane Sandy victims here.

You Didn't Build That!

(This was posted a few weeks ago, but was deleted while troubleshooting)

Mars Curiosity Rover Bites Off More Than It Can Chew

(This was originally posted a while back, but the post was deleted while troubleshooting)

[caption id="attachment_1206" align="alignleft" width="480"] Quick, IDKFA! IDKFARRRRRGHH![/caption]

Christian Fundamentalist Group Proposes New Bible Translation

In 1517, Martin Luther wrote his “Ninety-Five Theses,” setting the stage for the Protestant Reformation. Nearly five centuries later, a small group of revolutionaries are planning to repeat history.

[caption id="attachment_1176" align="alignright" width="300"] We'll tell you what Jesus meant.[/caption]

If you looked at Chris Garrison, you wouldn’t see someone brimming with religious fervor. Appearances can be deceiving, however, as the twenty-one year old is attempting to change the way the Bible is understood.

Garrison is leading a movement seeking to introduce a new translation of the Bible into churches worldwide.

Known as the NFV, or New Fundamentalist Version, this translation attempts to make the teachings of Jesus easier to understand for Christians.

Greatest April Fool's Day Pranks of All Time Roundup Roundup.

[caption id="attachment_1094" align="alignright" width="188" caption="This is what "journalists" at CNN look at every day."][/caption]

While real journalists go out and “interview” people and “write things down,” today’s media sources have taken to commenting on existing material. Every April 1, one can expect to find hundreds of run-downs of “The Greatest April Fool’s Day Pranks of All Time!” Here at The Fake News, we think this is bullshit. Journalism doesn’t get a day off. How hard is it to just compile a list of things from the internet and add a few comments?

To bring attention to this unacceptable practice, here are a few of the round-ups making the rounds this year.

1. The Vancouver Sun – The Sun is cheating even more than usual. All they have done is provide a link to a pre-existing video listing the greatest April Fool’s Day pranks. Do some work!

2. Trendy Gamers – This site lists the top ten video game related pranks of all time. What they fail to mention is that this caveat places the overall ranking of these pranks down around 15,000-30,000 in the “overall pranks” rankings.

3. V101.9 FM – The now-standard “Why do original content, let’s just embed some YouTube clips in an article and go out drinking” technique.

4.


5. Random Perspective - You have to hand it to this guy. He was able to find pranks that nobody else is reporting.

 

Tweets From the Street - Hurricane Irene

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Last week, we asked for their thoughts on Hurricane Irene.

Tweets from the Street - Casey Anthony Verdict

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on the Fourth of July.

Nation's Two-Year-Olds Riot After Casey Anthony Acquittal

The nation’s two-year-olds took to the street in loud, high-pitched protest to the acquittal of Casey Anthony, accused of killing her daughter Caylee.

[caption id="attachment_939" align="alignright" width="325" caption="A massive two-year-old demands justice"][/caption]

“No justice, no peace!” babbled Houston riot leader Daquota Killington. “You like a peaceful plane trip? We will not sit down and shut up any longer. Good luck flying internationally. Invest in earplugs.”

Police have not seen two-year-old coordinated protests on this magnitude since the Katy Perry – Elmo music video was kept from airing on Sesame Street, although law enforcement still believes most of those toddlers were coerced to protest by teenage brothers.

Jose Baez, Anthony’s attorney, said, “It’s great to see that a young, attractive white woman can receive a favorable outcome in our broken criminal justice system.”

Facebook and Twitter erupted in protest of the verdict, and Nancy Grace was heard to audibly climax in anticipation of her next show’s ratings.

Still, the biggest news in the wake of the verdict is the toddler outrage.

Killington warns, “Just wait. We’re going on strike from making cute Youtube videos. We are in negotiations with the nation’s cats to support us.”

“Do you really want to live in a world with no cute baby or cat videos?” asked Killington. “What will you do at work?”

Tweets From The Street - Fourth Of July Edition

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on the Fourth of July.

State Fair Vendor to Debut Deep Fried Diabetes

On Friday, August 5^th, NJ State Fair vendor Gerry Loktic will debut his new food item, bound to attract a plethora of fairgoers—deep fried diabetes.

[caption id="attachment_907" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Yes, those are diabetes balls"][/caption]

“I kept seeing other vendors raise the bar,” Loktic said. “It started with normal things like Twinkies and Oreos that were covered in batter and deep fried. After a while, each vendor tried to outdo everyone else with things like deep fried Kool-Aid, butter, and pacifiers.”

Loktic remembered his Business 101 class from college, in which he learned that a business should value efficiency. He decided that his customers were obviously interested in contracting Type 2 diabetes, so he thought he should get rid of the middle step.

“Anyone who takes a food like a Twinkie and decides that the way to improve it is to make it more terrible for your body is obviously hoping to join the insulin club,” said Loktic.

 

FDA to Put Pictures of Unplanned Pregnancies on Alcohol Bottles

[caption id="attachment_880" align="alignright" width="250" caption="It's a baby bottle, get it?"][/caption]

The Food and Drug Administration announced today that they will add warning labels to alcohol bottles. Following the positive reaction to the new graphic images on new cigarette warning labels, the organization says they hope to help drinkers in the same way.

“For too long, people have bought alcohol without considering the ramifications. With Facebook, Flickr, Twitter, and Ask Jeeves, you can never live down that girl or guy you brought home,” said FDA spokesman Ray Kennedy. “If you’re really unlucky, you might have a reminder for 18 years that eats, poops, and vomits all over you.”

Reaction to the new warning labels has been mixed.

“I don’t really think I have to worry about getting a woman pregnant,” said Jeremy Winston, alcoholic. “I just want to forget the pain. Is there a label for that?”

The anti-drunk driving organization Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) is in favor of the labels, although they think they don’t go far enough.

“We have tried to get photos of horrific car crashes put on warning labels,” MADD spokesperson Alison Jenkins said. “Just think, we might have been able to save Jackass star Ryan Dunn.”

 

Can’t Wait Until 6PM? Pay Extra to get Velociraptured

With scores of people waiting patiently to ascend to heaven tomorrow and millions making fun of them, most rapture-ready Christians just want to get it over with.

[caption id="attachment_833" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Why wasn't it mentioned in the Bible that Jesus was as big as Godzilla?"][/caption]

“Enough already with the waiting,” said Jill Grody. “I’m glad to be one of the 3% who will be saying ‘I told you so’ as I meet Jesus in the clouds.”

Harold Camping says that the rapture will occur at 6 pm local time for all people, which raises several interesting questions.

For example, what happens if someone is on a flight heading East and crosses a time zone just as the clock strikes 6? Did they miss their chance to be spared the Tribulation? Good news if the pilots are God-fearing, but bad news for everyone else.

Camping anticipated these questions and is starting a special prayer club that will allow his followers to be raptured early.

“Well, it costs $69.99, but you get access into our Velociraptured Club, saving you time and hassle on your way to heaven,” said Camping.

Website eDiot Cashes in on Rapture Believers

Harold Camping predicts that Christians will be raptured on Saturday, May 21, while the sinful will remain on Earth suffering. While some believe Camping’s prophecy to be true, others are ridiculing him, and one enterprising man is looking to make a little cash.

[caption id="attachment_827" align="alignright" width="300" caption="I swear, this time is really it"][/caption]

Bam Dackson has started eDiot.com, a website that allows believers to sell their possessions to non-believers, giving them money to use before the rapture.

“Why would I need my house after I go to see Jesus?” said Johnny Gladwell. “Just think of what good I could do with a few thousand dollars?”

Dackson says that sales have been a bit disappointing.

“Where is these people’s faith?” said Dackson. “If they were so sure, they would jump at this opportunity.”

Camping says that the creation of eDiot.com provides more evidence for his prediction.

“There is a verse in the Bible,” Camping says, “that, when translated into Klingon and back to English, says, ‘And the smart will make money off the gullible, and the Lions will win the Super Bowl.’ So, whatever happens, at least Detroit will be happy.”

 

UN Strongly Condemns US Unilateral Invasion of London

The United Nations has made public the text of a letter strongly condemning what the body calls “The completely unnecessary unilateral invasion of a sovereign nation.”

[caption id="attachment_821" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Diana who?"][/caption]

The letter further accuses the U.S. Military of conducting a ground invasion of local and national reporters who are flocking to London to cover the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

The ground troops are being supplemented by helicopter air support, and Londoners are not happy.

“You don't see the BBC going to the Jersey Shore to cover people who are famous for having done nothing, do you?” asked local resident Den Bickson “Cover your own fabricated stories.”

To ensure that no other media outlet scoops them on the latest news from London, every news outlet from NBC's Today Show to the smallest local news station has sent at least one reporter.

Nation Refuses to Believe Warning of Impending Asteroid Impact Not “Best April Fool's Joke Ever”

As Friday, April 1^st progresses, an increasingly agitated and alarmed Obama administration is frantically trying to convince the public that an asteroid is heading towards Earth, and people need to act quickly to avoid the annihilation of the human race.

[caption id="attachment_805" align="alignright" width="300" caption="That's gonna leave a mark"][/caption]

The asteroid was first discovered at 2:00 this morning, when an observer at the Palomar Observatory saw an anomaly in the sky. Upon closer inspection, he discovered that the anomaly was a large asteroid traveling towards the planet's surface.

“I couldn't believe my eyes,” said Jim Ross, the observatory employee. “It's the type of event you prepare your whole life for, but hope never actually happens."

Ross's excitement turned to panic when he glanced at the calendar.

“You've got to be kidding me,” he remembers saying as he noticed that today was April Fool's Day, the one day set aside for trying to trick one's friends and family into believing lies.

Ross rang up his boss, who then informed his boss, who then informed the Obama administration that a potential asteroid impact was likely. Each had to spend at least 5-10 minutes convincing the person they were calling that they were not joking.

Increasingly Annoyed Christ Delays Rapture Yet Again

One cannot blame the Son of God for his angry outburst yesterday when he learned that another group of Christians are claiming to know when the Rapture will occur.

[caption id="attachment_782" align="alignright" width="233" caption="I wrote it down for you. It's right there! "][/caption]

“What part of neither the day, nor the hour of my second coming is so hard to get?” said Jesus Christ, as he ripped up another calendar. “It’s right there. If you miss it in Matthew, keep reading, cause it’s in Mark too! I mean Me-dammit!”

According to the Bible, humans are not able to predict the day or time of the Rapture, an eagerly awaited event by evangelical Christians. On this day, believers in Christ will be raptured—taken—from Earth to begin their eternal life with their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

This event has been eagerly awaited since Christ was crucified over two thousand years ago. According to the story, he came back to life after three days and ascended into heaven after promising to return.

He must, however, time his return for a date which nobody can guess, according to Matthew 25:13 – “Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.”

“First I was going to come back in 1988, but some guy figured it out and started selling books,” said Christ. “He even had 88 reasons. Of course he was right, but once he guessed it, I had to reschedule. It’s like the book Catch-22: Once someone guesses it, it’s no longer right.”

Priest Ostracized for Not Molesting Altar Boys

Written by Thaddeus McClean III and Jimmy Wellington (Originally written in 2002, but republished due to recent events)

After nine weeks of surveillance by a private investigator hired by members of the community, Pastor Johan Fealy of Mulletville, Indiana was found to have not once touched any child, male or female, in an improper or sexual manner. Members of the Mulletville Community Board were shocked and disappointed.

[caption id="attachment_219" align="alignright" width="300" caption="They want to make sure they touch children and their lives"][/caption]




"I thought for sure that we’d catch him doing something," said Chester Peters, a parishioner at St. Sylvester the Banal where Father Fealy is the pastor and only priest in residence. "I saw him touch my son once," said Peters, "he was coaching my son’s soccer team and gave my son a high-five when he scored a goal. But there was something I didn’t trust about that high-five. He’s just got to be up to something."