Written by Jimmy Wellington
I can’t be President you say? Give me one good reason. Ok, that’s a good one, give me twenty good reasons. Didn’t think you could. Now maybe I haven’t done coke, or cheated on my wife every day – hell I’m not even married – but I think that I can do the job just as well as any of the other contestants on “American Candidate”.
You didn’t know that I was going to be a contestant? Well now you know. Of course I had to exaggerate my age a bit, but isn’t pulling one over on the American public what being a politician is all about? I’ve also been practicing sound economic practices by charging my sponsors more to keep up with my inflated online purchasing habits. OK, so I don’t actually have any advertisers, but if I did, that’s what I’d do.
I think this is the greatest idea that the media has ever had, even better than having R. Kelly host the Miss Pre-Teen USA pageant. Where else but America can an illiterate farmer from Alabama have a chance at being elected head of state of the most powerful country in the world? Nowhere else. Viva America!
I’ve even learned to ‘habla espanol’ so I can appeal to the millions of illegal immigrants running around the US. On second thought, fuck that. If you move here, learn to speak the language. If I moved to France to live, you know that I’d learn how to speak Franchish.
So I end by saying, vote for me, Jimmy Wellington as the winner of American Candidate. Then vote for me again as I run against Dubya and if I’m lucky, Al Gore. Thank you and goodnight.
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