Greatest April Fool's Day Pranks of All Time Roundup Roundup.

[caption id="attachment_1094" align="alignright" width="188" caption="This is what "journalists" at CNN look at every day."][/caption]

While real journalists go out and “interview” people and “write things down,” today’s media sources have taken to commenting on existing material. Every April 1, one can expect to find hundreds of run-downs of “The Greatest April Fool’s Day Pranks of All Time!” Here at The Fake News, we think this is bullshit. Journalism doesn’t get a day off. How hard is it to just compile a list of things from the internet and add a few comments?

To bring attention to this unacceptable practice, here are a few of the round-ups making the rounds this year.

1. The Vancouver Sun – The Sun is cheating even more than usual. All they have done is provide a link to a pre-existing video listing the greatest April Fool’s Day pranks. Do some work!

2. Trendy Gamers – This site lists the top ten video game related pranks of all time. What they fail to mention is that this caveat places the overall ranking of these pranks down around 15,000-30,000 in the “overall pranks” rankings.

3. V101.9 FM – The now-standard “Why do original content, let’s just embed some YouTube clips in an article and go out drinking” technique.

4.


5. Random Perspective - You have to hand it to this guy. He was able to find pranks that nobody else is reporting.

 

Letters from the Editor - Occupy Wall Street

[caption id="attachment_1041" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="by Dick Cashman, WTFN Owner"][/caption]

I’ve heard about these Occupy Wall Street protesters mulling around the streets of New York. I say I’ve heard because I have not personally seen them since I commute via helicopter.

Supposedly they are upset because they can’t find a job. I guess they’re not looking very hard. I find it hard to have sympathy for these unemployed people when I’ve always found it easy to find a job.

What’s my secret, you ask? I just ask my father. It’s very simple. In fact, you only need six words to get a job.

“Dad, can I have a job?”

If you add a seventh word, “please,” he will even let you pick what type of job you want to do. One time I forgot to say “please,” and he made me owner of the Cleveland Indians.

Man, what a lousy job.

Letters From the Editor - Bert and Ernie Gay Marrying

Other news organizations print letters to the editor. How boring. The Fake News will instead write letters from the editor. Sometimes these will be to famous people, other times to random normal, unimportant people.

An Open Letter to Sesame Street:

[caption id="attachment_1001" align="alignleft" width="120" caption="Guest Editor: Shirley Hopper, mom, writer for WTFN"][/caption]

I read today that some people want Bert and Ernie to get married. What is our world coming to? Sesame Street is a program that we use to babysit our children and teach them the things that we don’t have time to do anymore. At one point, we were responsible for indoctrinating our children to believe everything we did. Today, with many parents working, we rely increasingly on television programs to teach our children how they should act.

When I was young, I learned that when I entered my house, I should take off my shoes and put on my slippers. Did my dad teach me that? No, he was out with his secretary, but that’s a story for another time. It was Mr. Rogers. He taught me such great lessons not only like the one I just said about the shoes, but also about how you could get away from your problems (like that one day with Mr. Jenkins after school) by just pretending to go to a land with puppets. My land of make-believe didn’t have an old king, but it did have an anthropomorphic sports bra.

"I Hate Filling Out This Detailed Search Form"

Written by Jerry Falwell: Easy Target

I signed up for match.com, an online personals site, because I've heard it's a good place to meet hot chicks. Ever since my wife left me for that professional wrestler last year, I've been lonely and need someone to cook for me, clean up around here, and have sex whenever I feel like it [after we're married].

[caption id="attachment_498" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Falwell swears he did not doctor this image"][/caption]

So I registered, filled out my profile and posted a picture - so simple! Then it was time for me to fill out the search form so I could search for the type of person that I wanted to be with. Some of the options were a bit narrow. For example, where is "Aryan" for the ethnicity question? I don't want to be diluting my seed!

Another question I have is on the height section. Is this with or without shoes? My woman wouldn't leave the house, so I want to know how tall she is without them.

None of these women seem to value traditional morals and traditions as much as I'd like. Take this woman whose profile is entitle "littlebtch" for example. She says that she's looking for someone to "bang her silly" and that she's not looking for "commitment or any of that [expletive deleted]". First of all, what is she doing using language like that? Second of all, marriage outside of holy matrimony is just plain wrong!

I don't think that this is going to work out, maybe I'll find a better quality of women over at Yahoo Personals, or Hot or Not. I'll keep you posted.

Commentary - "I Lost 142 Pounds On The Heroin Diet"

Written by Harry Franklin: Heroin Diet Founder

Everywhere I go, people comment on how much thinner I look. It's probably due to the new diet that I'm on, actually one that I made up myself. I was sitting at home, eating a large pizza and drinking a case of beer, watching the movie Trainspotting. I noticed that Obi-Wan Kenobe and the guy from Hackers looked very thin in this movie. That was when the lightbulb in my head went off, it was because of the heroin that they were using in the movie!

Immediately, I called up my friend [drug dealer] Louis, and asked if he could provide me with some heroin, or smack as he called it. He agreed to help me out with my new diet and even gave me the first hit free!

I had tried other diets in the past, and have not been able to stick with it. The incredible addictive power of heroin makes this sticking point a thing of the past.

You're wondering if the heroin diet is easy to follow? It's a simple process actually: One hit in the morning, one hit in the afternoon, a sensible quarter of a sandwich for dinner, and voila! The great part about the plan is that it's completely customizable to anyone's schedule, say for example that you wake up in the middle of the night and have a newly increased commitment to following the diet, you can shoot up right then and there!

At the last family reunion I attended, my family was amazed at how much weight I had lost. Everywhere people were exclaiming such things as; "Where did the rest of you go?" and "Eat something damnit!"

Take it from me, Harry Franklin. I went from 298 pounds to 156 pounds on my 6'2" frame. And I feel great! [after I shoot up]

Commentary: I Use A Mac, Cause I'm A Lazy Bastard

Written by Jerry Kelton: Mac User

I want my own television commercial like that chick who saved Christmas. I switched to a Macintosh from my old PC last week, because I wanted something that I could use right out of the box, without all the hassle of "learning" stuff. I mean who needs to know what "files" and "drivers" are, I don't need to know any of that stuff, I'm only using it to look at porn anyway!

I'm so happy that I found out how much easier the Mac makes my computing life. It's the AOL of the computer manufacturers, cause it makes it so simple that any moron can use one. Having a PC, and having to learn how to operate it properly, unfairly limits the amount of people that can access the information superhighway. Without Macs, online tech support people would be denied the joys of answering such questions as: "how do I get to espn.com?", "I can't save this file", and "I think I need a new internet."

So if that chick can get her own commercial, why not me? I've used my Macintosh to totally revolutionalize the way that I look at pictures of naked women. All I have to do is hold a bottle of hand lotion up to the screen and it automatically goes to my favorite porn site. If I get hungry while I'm looking at porn, I just say "pizza", and twenty minutes later the delivery guy shows up at my door. It even took care of that guy that was trying to serve me with child support papers, leaving me free to continue looking at porn.

Just give me a chance, I just want to show the world how much I love my Mac!

Commentary: "The Fake News For President!"

Written by Jimmy Wellington

I can’t be President you say? Give me one good reason. Ok, that’s a good one, give me twenty good reasons. Didn’t think you could. Now maybe I haven’t done coke, or cheated on my wife every day – hell I’m not even married – but I think that I can do the job just as well as any of the other contestants on “American Candidate”.

You didn’t know that I was going to be a contestant? Well now you know. Of course I had to exaggerate my age a bit, but isn’t pulling one over on the American public what being a politician is all about? I’ve also been practicing sound economic practices by charging my sponsors more to keep up with my inflated online purchasing habits. OK, so I don’t actually have any advertisers, but if I did, that’s what I’d do.

I think this is the greatest idea that the media has ever had, even better than having R. Kelly host the Miss Pre-Teen USA pageant. Where else but America can an illiterate farmer from Alabama have a chance at being elected head of state of the most powerful country in the world? Nowhere else. Viva America!

I’ve even learned to ‘habla espanol’ so I can appeal to the millions of illegal immigrants running around the US. On second thought, fuck that. If you move here, learn to speak the language. If I moved to France to live, you know that I’d learn how to speak Franchish.

So I end by saying, vote for me, Jimmy Wellington as the winner of American Candidate. Then vote for me again as I run against Dubya and if I’m lucky, Al Gore. Thank you and goodnight.

Commentary: "Fine, Don't Listen. But Don't Come Crying To Me When You Get Knocked Up."

Written by Kevin Hiller: Father

All right missy, you don't have to listen if you don't want to. You can roll your eyes like you always do, just don't expect me to care when you're picking out maternity dresses and wondering if you should breastfeed or spend your allowance on formula. I know that your job in the women's department of JC Penney will provide all the money that you'll need to raise a happy and healthy child.

And don't expect your mother and I to help you out. I'm trying to do my part as a concerned parent by teaching you about sex and being sexually responsible. Remember when I showed you that porno and told you that the men weren't wearing condoms because the women were taking birth control pills? Wasn't that being a cool dad? Most parents are too uptight to have casual and open conversations about sex with their children, but not me. How many of your friends' dads gave them tips on how to give hummers so you can keep your boyfriend happy and faithful?

All I'm asking is that you let me know if you need birth control. I saw how that player on the soccer team was looking at you during the last game, I'm not stupid. He says he just wants to take you out for ice cream? That's guy double-speak for "I want to take you to an abandoned car lot and have wild monkey sex with you." How else would you know this if you didn't have a dad that cared for you and your well-being?

And we haven't even discussed the STD issue! I was just trying to tell you to make sure to carefully inspect your boyfriend's penis before you let him do anything. Syphillus is no small matter, young lady.

Come back here honey, I'm just trying to help you out! Man, kids today...