Sarah Palin Hopes to Use Book's Success to Jump-Start 2010 Presidential Bid

Sarah Palin's new memoir "Going Rogue: An American Life" has been flying off the bookshelves and into warehouses where conservative magazines are storing them for use as promotions to sell subscriptions. Hate her, love her, or hate her, she is everywhere. Newsweek even has her on her cover, using a photo Palin posed for by Runner's World magazine, in which the former Alaskan governor showed that the American flag, in addition to being a symbol of freedom that should never be desecrated, also makes a lovely slip cover for a chair.

[caption id="attachment_545" align="alignright" width="300" caption="2010, here I come!"][/caption]

Whenever Palin is brought from the media backburner to the forefront, fact checkers are close behind. Many have charged, and shown compelling evidence, that she has a casual relation with the truth, which provides the best reason yet to take her seriously as an actual politician. Her new book contains explanation of events which run completely counter to the narrative or narratives she gave during the Presidential campaign. For example, during the campaign, Palin touted America's alliance with Eastasia in our war against Eurasia. In the book, Palin writes, "God bless those Eurasians, we've always been at war with Eastasia, yet they keep plugging along!"

After coming so close to becoming America's Vice President, Palin is hinting that she is planning on running for President in 2010, although the next presidential election isn't until 2012.

Palin isn't wavering. "Ya know, people have been telling me all my life that I can't do something. Now they're saying, Sarah, you can't run for President in 2010, it's impossible. I think that if I just keep my nose to that powder keg and wait for God to open that door, I'll be able to bust on through when it does."

George Bush Relieved To Be Re-Elected

American leader George W. Bush announced on Wednesday that he was relieved to still be president following the elections of November fifth.

[caption id="attachment_369" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Bush: This is what a housey looks like!"][/caption]

"I'm glad that the American people went to the polls yesterday and made their voices heard. They were loud and clear in their support for a Republican run government, as well as their desire to have myself as the point man for that government, if you will. I will do my best to prove that the American people have made a wise choice by re-electing me as your President."

At that point, President Bush opened the floor to questions from the White House Press Corps. An excerpt follows.

Keith Washington: New York Post - "So, Mr. President. First of all, I would like to congratulate you on your re-election, you must be very proud."

President Bush - "Why are you snickering, Keith?"

KW - "Sorry Mr. President, I just remembered a joke that Christiane Amanpour told me yesterday. Back to my question. Can you say a few words about your opponent in this election?"

President Bush - "I honestly don't know who I was running against, I told my staff that I didn't want to know who my opponent was, since I decided to run based on the issues. I was proud that I didn't run any negative ads in this election, for I think that we should move away from that, and focus more on the issues."

Shari Jackson - "To what do you attribute the lack of media coverage in this Presidential Election?"

President Bush - "I try not to read the papers, or watch news programs on television. In fact, I'm pretty much out of the loop on anything related to domestic or foreign policy. Sometimes Condy [Rice] lets me sign stuff."

During the press conference Ari Fleischer and Colin Powell were seen doubled over in laughter, barely able to speak.

Commentary: "The Fake News For President!"

Written by Jimmy Wellington

I can’t be President you say? Give me one good reason. Ok, that’s a good one, give me twenty good reasons. Didn’t think you could. Now maybe I haven’t done coke, or cheated on my wife every day – hell I’m not even married – but I think that I can do the job just as well as any of the other contestants on “American Candidate”.

You didn’t know that I was going to be a contestant? Well now you know. Of course I had to exaggerate my age a bit, but isn’t pulling one over on the American public what being a politician is all about? I’ve also been practicing sound economic practices by charging my sponsors more to keep up with my inflated online purchasing habits. OK, so I don’t actually have any advertisers, but if I did, that’s what I’d do.

I think this is the greatest idea that the media has ever had, even better than having R. Kelly host the Miss Pre-Teen USA pageant. Where else but America can an illiterate farmer from Alabama have a chance at being elected head of state of the most powerful country in the world? Nowhere else. Viva America!

I’ve even learned to ‘habla espanol’ so I can appeal to the millions of illegal immigrants running around the US. On second thought, fuck that. If you move here, learn to speak the language. If I moved to France to live, you know that I’d learn how to speak Franchish.

So I end by saying, vote for me, Jimmy Wellington as the winner of American Candidate. Then vote for me again as I run against Dubya and if I’m lucky, Al Gore. Thank you and goodnight.