IOC Cracking Down On High-Fives by Medal Winners

After condemning celebrations by American snowboarders and Canadian hockey players, the International Olympic Committee is taking a hard look at excessive celebrating by medal winners. Saying such excessive celebrations lack the decorum and propriety which should accompany the fruition of four years of grueling training and countless competitions, the group is working on a list of acceptable celebrations for future winners.

[caption id="attachment_694" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Test: Is this an acceptable celebration?"][/caption]

The Fake News has obtained a draft of permissible celebrations, which also includes specifically banned practices.

From: IOC

To: Olympic Athletes

Subject: Specifically banned celebratory practices and permissible substitutes

As of today, Olympic athletes may not:

1. High-five – Aside from the obvious illicit drug reference in this act’s name, slapping each other’s hands is a violent way to celebrate victory that can also lead to injury. If you look at it from the side, it can also make it look like you’re both saluting Hitler.

Acceptable Substitutes – A nice handshake; a bow (although only if you’re from an Asian country, otherwise it may be offensive; A hug, although it must be between members of the opposite sex and there must be no meeting of the genital region;

Related banned celebrations – Fist bump (promotes terrorism per Fox News)

2. Anything involving alcohol or tobacco – Enough with the tired argument “but we’re adults who can legally consume these substances.” We’re letting you compete for medals, the least you can do is not act like adults.

Acceptable substitutes – Drink a Coca-Cola, Eat a Big Mac, or use your Acer Laptop. Basically, anything involving these companies is great.

Related banned celebrations – We know that you are surrounded by other young athletes in peak physical condition with tremendous bodies, but can’t you refrain from sex or sexual innuendoes until you get home? Also, there is to be no licking, sucking, or any other oral acts performed on the medals.

3. Profanity – Remember, someone is always watching. Even though you may think that you’re having a private chat with your coach prior to the biggest event of your life, make sure to keep your language safe for viewers at home. Even though most of the events are tape delayed, the burden to be clean is on you, not the producer who makes the decision to put a live microphone around 19 year old snowboarders.

Acceptable substitutes – Use only language your grandmother would approve of. Well, unless your grandmother is Betty White.

Related banned celebrations – Obscene gestures.

If all else fails, just pretend that the people choosing what goes on television are complete idiots, and act accordingly.