Bill Clinton Rushed to Hospital After Misreading “Candy Striper” Article

On Thursday, Bill Clinton was reportedly rushed to a New York hospital due to chest pains. Hospital spokespeople say the 42^nd President of the United States is recovering well and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has arrived and is by his side. The Fake News has obtained an exclusive, off-the-record interview that indicates a different series of events than what major media outlets are reporting.

[caption id="attachment_687" align="alignright" width="219" caption="President Clinton will be able to resume his normal level of hitting on chicks in under a week"][/caption]

According to our source, the former President was having a leisurely breakfast when he suddenly dropped the newspaper, grabbed his chest, and said, “Oh my God.” When aides asked him what was wrong, he said, “I need to get to New York Presbyterian Hospital right away.” Our source stayed behind to search for evidence of possible poisoning and glanced at the newspaper Clinton had dropped.

“I didn’t think of it until later,” our source said. “But, at the top of the paper was a large headline that read ‘New York Presbyterian Candy Striper Program Rated Best in Country.’ I remembered Mr. Clinton’s reading disability that causes him to involuntarily add an extra ‘p’ to words, and figured out what happened.”

While “letteraderitis” is a rare learning disability, it seems to effect U.S. Presidents at an alarming rate. George W. Bush is perhaps best known for adding the letters “W,” “M,” and “D” to Iraq.

This isn’t the first time that Clinton’s reading problem has caused some confusion. “While he was President,” our source says, “he kept sending out memos about wanting to attend the Supper Bowl. We thought he was just poking fun at Ronald Reagan’s declining mental state during his second term.”

This version of events helps to explain Clinton’s insistence that his ambulance stop at a convenience store to break a twenty. 7-11 clerk Jeremy Dillon says, “all the sudden this guy in a suit came in and demanded I change his twenty dollar bill for twenty singles. I told him that he needed to buy something, and he asked me if I wanted to be sent to Guantanamo. I gave him the singles.”

Our source claims that Clinton has made great strides to overcome his reading problem by taking classes at the local Huntington Learning Center. “Originally he had a bad attitude about seeking help. He said it was no big deal that he was adding extra letters. His parents thought that it was just a phase and he would outgrow it. He finally admitted that he had a problem and there was a solution. Obviously, he still needs to keep working.”