Jesus Christ Agrees to Delay Second Coming Until After "Lost" Series Finale

A spokesman for Jesus Christ has confirmed an entertainment reporter’s claim that a deal has been reached between humanity’s savior and Lost executive producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to ensure Christ will not return to judge humanity until after Lost’s series finale on May 23.

[caption id="attachment_709" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Oh yeah, he asked for a cameo"][/caption]

Lindelof explains, “We are always writing about the man of science and the man of faith, but we completely forgot about the man of Nazareth. It would really suck if Jesus returned to judge the quick and the dead before our audience could find out what ends up happening with their favorite castaways.”

Jack, from The Lost Podcast with Jay and Jack, is not taking the news well. At the end of each Wednesday’s show, he gives his “crackpot theory of the week,” in which he proposes a strange, somewhat logical theory that almost always never comes true. He was about to predict the second coming on May 22, until he read about the agreement on Lostpedia.”I was so upset. I thought I really had it this time.” Jack ended up going with his theory that the entire run of Lost has just been a ploy to get Jenna Elfman back on network television with the spin-off “The Dharma Initiative and Greg.”

Christ only agreed to delay his return after Cuse and Lindelof gave him a producer credit on the finale and made changes to the script. According to Lindelof, Christ made the following demands:

1. Either make Kate not suck again or kill her off. There’s only so many times I can listen to her whine, for my sake.


2. Bring back Nikki and Paolo. Then bring back Sayid so he can snap their necks with his legs.


3. Three words: Ezra James Sharkington.


4. In keeping with Lost’s habit of using philosopher’s names for characters, reveal that Zoe’s last name is Nietzsche. Then kill her off. She’s really annoying.


5. Show the four-toed statue’s backstory, including the part when it used to have kung-fu fights with the Statue of Liberty.

According to Lindelof, Christ is pondering starring in his upcoming ABC pilot “Sideways Jesus,” in which the son of God would play an alternate reality version of himself. The character would travel from town to town in a Cadillac Escalade, healing people (as long as they had insurance and no pre-existing conditions.)