Spinoffs I'd like to see

On the last episode of the great podcast Pop Culture Happy Hour, the panelists discussed potential spinoffs. I made my own list. Please to enjoy.

1. "Troy and Abed in the Morning" - does this need an explanation?

2. "Dharma and Cregg" - Alison Janney's West Wing character takes that billion dollar job offer at the end of the series, but ends up on a mysterious island.

3. "You Again?" - Rob Lowe plays both his character from The West Wing and his character from Parks and Recreation, who discover *SPOILER* they are THE SAME PERSON.

4. "Infinite Jess" - After a relapse into caffeine pill addiction, former Bayside graduate and Rhodes Scholar Jessie Spano becomes a critically-acclaimed author, but will her upper addiction wreck her new career?

5. "Hogwarts and All" - A prequel series to Harry Potter, in which Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore try to teach children magic and morals while dealing with the smoldering sexual tension between them.

 

2001 Amateur Restoration

Law and Order: Tea Party Unit

Enjoy Part 3 of 3 in our short video series Law and Order: Bottom of the Barrel.  If you like it, don’t keep it to yourself, pass it along to your friends!

Law and Order: Citations and Misdemeanors

Enjoy Part 2 of 3 in our short video series Law and Order: Bottom of the Barrel.  If you like it, don’t keep it to yourself, pass it along to your friends!

Law and Order: Special Guest Star Unit

Enjoy Part 1 of 3 in our short video series Law and Order: Bottom of the Barrel.  If you like it, don't keep it to yourself, pass it along to your friends!

UN Strongly Condemns US Unilateral Invasion of London

The United Nations has made public the text of a letter strongly condemning what the body calls “The completely unnecessary unilateral invasion of a sovereign nation.”

[caption id="attachment_821" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Diana who?"][/caption]

The letter further accuses the U.S. Military of conducting a ground invasion of local and national reporters who are flocking to London to cover the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

The ground troops are being supplemented by helicopter air support, and Londoners are not happy.

“You don't see the BBC going to the Jersey Shore to cover people who are famous for having done nothing, do you?” asked local resident Den Bickson “Cover your own fabricated stories.”

To ensure that no other media outlet scoops them on the latest news from London, every news outlet from NBC's Today Show to the smallest local news station has sent at least one reporter.

Source Reveals that Melissa Leo Responsible for Only “5-10% of Overacting” on “The Fighter”

Hollywood insiders are buzzing with the news that Oscar winner Melissa Leo did not do all of her overacting on “The Fighter.” Stunt double Lea Ford has claimed that she did “nearly all” of the histrionics for the role.

[caption id="attachment_802" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Hey look! I won this award that EVERYONE knew I was going to win! I'll act all shocked and surprised!"][/caption]

“I didn’t want to step on any toes, and Melissa surely showed everyone how over the top she can be with her ‘who me?’ bullshit while accepting her Academy Award,” said Ford, “but I would like some credit.”

In “The Fighter,” Leo plays Alice Ward, the brash mother of two fighters played by Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale. Bale won the Oscar for Best Performance at an Awards Show by Facial Hair (by Volume).”

Director David O. Russell tried to stay out of the erupting controversy, but was forced into action when rumors threatened to overshadow his film’s achievement.

“I went back and watched the unedited footage,” Russell said. “Ford did do about 20% of the overacting, but that is to be expected on a movie like this. I gotta hand it to Christian [Bale] though. He did all his own overacting. It was something to see.”

 

Jesus Christ Agrees to Delay Second Coming Until After "Lost" Series Finale

A spokesman for Jesus Christ has confirmed an entertainment reporter’s claim that a deal has been reached between humanity’s savior and Lost executive producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to ensure Christ will not return to judge humanity until after Lost’s series finale on May 23.

[caption id="attachment_709" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Oh yeah, he asked for a cameo"][/caption]

Lindelof explains, “We are always writing about the man of science and the man of faith, but we completely forgot about the man of Nazareth. It would really suck if Jesus returned to judge the quick and the dead before our audience could find out what ends up happening with their favorite castaways.”

Jack, from The Lost Podcast with Jay and Jack, is not taking the news well. At the end of each Wednesday’s show, he gives his “crackpot theory of the week,” in which he proposes a strange, somewhat logical theory that almost always never comes true. He was about to predict the second coming on May 22, until he read about the agreement on Lostpedia.”I was so upset. I thought I really had it this time.” Jack ended up going with his theory that the entire run of Lost has just been a ploy to get Jenna Elfman back on network television with the spin-off “The Dharma Initiative and Greg.”

Woman Denied Health Coverage After Chance Encounter with Jack Bauer

Martha Jackson is a healthy, young woman who exercises daily, doesn't smoke, and is free from any chronic diseases. Therefore, she was very surprised to discover that her application for health insurance had been denied. Thinking there must have been a mix-up, she contacted United Healthcare's customer service line to find out why her application was declined.

[caption id="attachment_670" align="alignright" width="300"] You guys are SO dead.[/caption]

"They said something about a Jack Bauer or something," says Jackson. "I work at a non-descript office building as a receptionist. I don't know any Jack Bauer…oh wait...I remember seeing a man with jeans run after another man, while yelling into a cell phone, 'This is Jack Bauer, dammit! Put me through to the President!' I think he said something about running out of time. That's the only time I've ever been close to the man, so I don't know what's going on here."

Jackson is just the latest person to be denied health coverage due to contact with Jack Bauer, which is classified by insurance companies as a "pre-existing condition." Insurance companies cite actuarial tables showing an alarming increase in the mortality rate of people who come into contact with the CTU agent.

President of MTV "Freezes" While Kanye West Terrorizes VMAs

Seemingly taking a cue from Congressman Joe Wilson, Kanye West violated the sacred decorum usually associated with the Video Music Awards when he took Taylor Swift's microphone while she was giving her acceptance speech last night.  West went on to complain that singer Beyonce deserved the honor, only to be greeted with a chorus of boos from the audience.

[caption id="attachment_273" align="alignright" width="300" caption="This photo is completely real"][/caption]

While this was happening, many were wondering why West was allowed to take to the stage so easily.  Why did the broadcast not cut to commercial?  This morning, the answer to those questions became clear.

VMA host Russell Brand, "I wanted to go to commercial, but a decision that drastic had to be deferred to the President, Van Toffler.  I tried to reach him as soon as we realized what was happening.  We saw Kanye making his way to the stage.  Toffler gave us no response, he just froze."

At the time, Toffler was giving a speech to other MTV executives.  A witness describes the scene in the room as: "Total silence.  Someone came in the room and whispered in his ear that Kanye West had just taken the microphone from Taylor Swift.  He just looked stunned, then he went back to reading from his report.  He told us after that he didn't want people to panic."

Toffler could not be reached for comment.

Brand is upset that more wasn't done to prevent a Kanye attack.  "We received intelligence that Kanye West was planning on attacking the awards with douchebaggery, but nobody paid attention to it.  We even knew to focus on the stage, because Kanye would want to maximize his audience.  This situation could have easily been prevented.  It's not like he hasn't done this before."

Comedian Mike Myers agrees that more should be done to prevent future Kanye West attacks.  "When he said 'George Bush doesn't care about black people' you saw the shock on my face.  I was caught completely off guard.  We should know better now.  We should have learned.  I know I'll never forget."

Public Television Fails to Make Children Gay, PBS President Resigns

Written by Jake Novak

Stung by a new study that revealed that PBS children’s broadcasting doesn’t make kids want to be gay after all, PBS president Pat Mitchell was forced to resign in disgrace earlier today.

[caption id="attachment_184" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Come on guys, Patty came out of the closet "][/caption]









“I failed in my duty to bring homosexuality to America’s children,” said a tearful Mitchell at a news conference this afternoon, “but I am not giving up my fight for gay values, I’ll just find another venue,” she added.

Experts say PBS’s methods were too subtle to be effective.

“Well, having Ernie and Bert living together and introducing Buster the bunny to that lesbian couple just wasn’t enough,” said child psychologist Dr. Lloyd Flaro, “I mean, they needed more leather, more piercings, maybe even some dildos with Elmo’s face on them… something!”

Other critics say the PBS programming was just too entertaining to work.

“You need to fight fire with fire in this business,” said conservative movie and TV reviewer Michael Medved. “Have you seen the average Church-funded videos for kids? They’re so God-awful they make you willing to do anything to get them to stop. Now, ‘Sesame Street’, ‘Arthur’, geez… even ‘Barney’ are all better than any of those ‘Davey & Goliath’ pieces of crap. Mitchell’s successor needs to lull the kids into submission with something preachy and low budget; like your average episode of ‘Highway to Heaven.’”

Congressional Republicans are using Mitchell’s resignation as a pretext for pulling more funding from PBS, but there’s late word that an anonymous sponsor has pledged to replace any future budget cuts dollar for dollar.

“Our generous sponsor is asking that his name not be revealed, and has only specified that the new funding be recognized as the ‘Neverland Ranch Grant’ from now on,” said a PBS spokesperson.

FCC Forces Paul McCartney to Wear Metal Codpiece During Super Bowl Halftime Show

Last year, Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at the hands of Justin Timberlake during the Super Bowl halftime show created an outrage among families nation wide. Most were enraged that Jackson's breast was shown on national television for a fraction of a second, while others were just shocked that a member of the Jackson family was asked to play at the halftime show.

[caption id="attachment_423" align="alignright" width="275" caption="Your FCC approved halftime show"][/caption]

This year, organizers have decided to go with a "safer" act by having former Beatles member Paul McCartney perform.

The FCC (Fascist Communists Commission) does not think that simply having a family friendly artist perform is enough of a guarantee that children will not catch a flash of a nipple, a sight that would normally involve the child lifting up their own shirt in front of a mirror or other reflective object.

Paul McCartney will be required to have a metal codpiece sewn to the inside of his pants. The pants will then be surgically sutured to his thighs, to ensure minimum chance of a body part being exposed. The FCC has reluctantly allowed McCartney to flash the piece sign, but only a maximum of three times. The reasoning for this is that of course the sign could be interpreted as "the finger" by viewers with poor vision.

(Ed. Note: The FCC has ordered The Fake News to change the phrase "viewers with poor vision" from the last paragraph to "viewers whose lack of optimal vision is made up by their other contributions to society" or face a fine of $10,000.)

In a related story, Levitra will be allowed to advertise during the Super Bowl again, since explaining "erectile disfunction" or "6 hour erection" is nowhere near as awkward for a parent as explaining that women have nipples.

When reached for comment, Paul McCartney was upset, since he was hoping to unveil his new silver penis shield.

Dolly Parton's Planned Breast Reduction Surgery Prompts Red State Crisis

Written by Jake Novak

Country icon Dolly Parton's plans for a breast reduction surgery plunged the nation's Red states into a crisis today as heartbroken Southern Americans struggled with the painful news.

[caption id="attachment_427" align="alignright" width="261" caption="These boobs were made for ogling"][/caption]

"This is way worse than stem cell research," said Ralf Gundy of Lumberton, North Carolina, "I feel like science is really working against man instead of with him now."

Others shared that concern and laid the blame directly on the White House doorstep.

"We were worried something like this might happen if John Kerry were elected, but now its happened anyway," said an angry Mable Robinson of Salem, Alabama, "you can bet I'll be expecting something from President Bush to stop this."

Bush administration officials huddled in the executive mansion late into the night hoping to craft some sort of response while the Pentagon put a squadron of F-16's on alert.

"They'll be ready to strafe any hospital in Tennessee or Arkansas within 3 minutes of the President's order," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld at an impromptu press conference outside the White House.

Meanwhile, administration critics are having a field day.

"This just goes to show how the President has failed even his core supporters at a key moment," said New York Times editorial columnist Paul Krugman.

Pinocchio Becomes Real Boy, Sues Michael Jackson

Editor's Note: This classic story was originally published in August 2004

Written by Jake Novak

(Rome, Italy) Achieving a life-long dream, the wooden puppet Pinocchio turned into a true flesh and blood boy today and immediately announced his intentions to sue pop star Michael Jackson for molestation.

[caption id="attachment_262" align="alignright" width="218" caption="Tell me lies, puppet!"][/caption]

"Now that I'm a real boy, I can finally get some recourse for the years of abuse I've suffered at the hands of Michael Jackson," said a tearful Pinocchio at a news conference arranged outside his home in a quiet section of Rome. "Maybe my suffering will help stop other boys, both real and puppet, from being hurt by a man who hides behind his fame," he added.

Pinocchio's lawyers offered reporters detailed information about the alleged abuse.

"Mister Jackson lured Pinocchio to the Neverland Ranch with promises of candy and amusement park rides, but things rapidly deteriorated from there. In fact, we have evidence that Mister Jackson intentionally encouraged Pinocchio to lie so his nose would grow longer... something that was used for a myriad of vile sexual reasons," said Raul Felder, a civil lawyer working with the plaintiff.

Lindsay Lohan's Breasts to Star in Own Sitcom

Lindsay Lohan's breasts announced yesterday that they will set out on their own, and that they already have their own deal to star in their own situation comedy.

[caption id="attachment_430" align="alignright" width="249" caption="We'd normally write a caption here, but we're mesmerized"][/caption]

The Fox Network, known for its high brow programming, issued a press release trumpeting Lohan's Breasts as the "number one attraction to our target demographic".

Lohan filed a lawsuit against her former body parts, stating that: "It's my body, and they can't just like go off on their own. I mean, what would I do without my breasts?"

A judge interviewed about the case doesn't think that Lohan will win the lawsuit. "The moment she decided to have implants, she gave up the right to decide what her breasts will and won't do," stated Lance Nightly. "I've spent hours studying photos of Lohan at awards shows, only pausing to take short five minute bathroom breaks, and I can say that there is irrefutable evidence showing that Lohan has indeed has breast surgery."

Nightly admitted that "perhaps further research is required".

"The Passion" Blamed For Nationwide Increase in Drive-By Stonings

Martha Washington cradles her son's head in her arms as he draws his last breaths. His body is a bloody, broken mess. The murder weapons lie nearby on the cold pavement.

It is a scene that's all too common in today's inner cities. However, Leon Washington was killed not by bullets or knives, but large stones taken from a nearby construction site. Welcome to the latest craze in the inner cities of America, drive-by stonings.

[caption id="attachment_440" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="I know this guy looks like he's sleeping, but he's really been stoned to death. Really."][/caption]

Stoning used to be a common practice in biblical times, long before bullets became the preferred method of slaying one's enemies. Los Angeles Police chief Richard Linkletter thinks this is due to the negligible costs of stones.

"These hoodlums don't care how they ice that homey down the block that be invading their turf. Someone will be just as dead if they're bludgeoned to shit by big fucking rocks as if they got a couple caps popped in they ass. This way, they got more bank for bitches, foties, and bling bling."

Mel Gibson's movie "The Passion of the Christ" has been receiving the lion's share of the blame for the stoning trend, just a few weeks after the movie was said to be anti-semetic, violent, and "the worst date movie of all time".

The movie has also been the biggest box office juggernaut so far this year, taking in over a quarter of a billion dollars since its release in late February.

Mrs. Washington has a message for the youths of America: "If you're thinking about picking up a stone in anger, please don't. Smoke a blunt, slap a ho, just please no more senseless violence. That person you kill has a mother that loves them. And about 1% of them have a father too, someone that cares for their child, and takes responsibility for impregnating a 16 year old girl and doesn't run off to play their next game in the NBA, and never show their face around here again, isn't that right, Kobe?"

In related news, noticing their proficiency in rock-related violence, Palestinians are recruiting American youths for "Operation Throw A Bunch of Rocks At Jews".

MTV Begins Filming For "The Real World: Abu Gharib"

The MTV network is taking reality television to a whole new level, with their new season of The Real World, now filming in Abu Gharib prison in Iraq. The setting should be familiar to anyone that's watched the news, read the paper, or interacted with humans in the past few weeks.

[caption id="attachment_433" align="alignright" width="300" caption="This house is going to ROCK!"][/caption]

MTV executives felt that the casts of previous seasons of the popular show were spoiled, and had too much "cool stuff". "We decided it was time to go back to basics," said MTV programming executive Randall Plassky.

Cast members on the show will be housed in the same prison made famous by several of our finest men and women. "We wanted them to be in a place with a lot of creativity around them,""said Plassky. "I mean, look at those pictures! Iraqi Rodeo! I wish we had thought of that first!"

Rich Jarvis is one of the new cast members, and has said that it's always been a dream of his to be on the show. "Ever since the first season, I pictured myself in a cool house, with like a jacuzzi and stuff. But dude, this house blows."

Unlike other residents of the prison, The Real World cast members are allowed to room together, and even have some say in what goes into the decoration of their rooms, called "cells".

In another twist, the employees of the prison don't know that the cast members are filming a television show. One of the employees, Jimmy Killington, said that they were so used to people taking pictures and videos that they don't even notice cameras anymore. "We make a lot of movies, so it wasn't really strange. We did wonder why all the sudden there were hot chicks as prisoners."

The employees try to make the time fun for the prisoners by playing games with them. One of the games they play is "Hide the Glowstick". Unfortunately, this game loses its appeal after the first few times. Apparantly, they always hide the glowstick in the same place.

Rich wasn't very happy with the "glowstick game". "At first I thought we were going to have a rave party," he said. "Boy, was I wrong."

Larry Flynt's Reply to "The Vagina Monologues": "The Dick Diatribes"

Hustler magazine owner and free speech activist Larry Flynt has commissioned a new play, set to debut in late May 2004. "The Dick Diatribes" is intended to be a counterpoint to Eve Ensler's play "The Vagina Monologues", which is a celebration of a woman's body, specifically the main sexual organ, long a topic of embarrasment for most women.

[caption id="attachment_437" align="alignright" width="300" caption="So I'm with this hooker, right?"][/caption]



In an interview with The New York Times, Flynt explained his motive behind the play:

"I think that Ensler broad was onto something. I mean, it's such a common thing for men to be ashamed of their bodies. Men are scared to talk about their penises, and it's not like they like to show other people or slap it against their sleeping friends' faces."

Reprinted below is an exerpt from the upcoming play.

What is the strangest thing your penis has ever done?

Businessman

One time I was watching MTV and a Britney Spears video came on. I believe it was Toxic, although I don't really remember the music too much, if you know what i mean. All the sudden my penis became very excited and actually unzipped my pants from the inside. It was like it had a mind of its own. I stood up without even realizing what I was doing, and my penis led me to the television. It slammed itself into the image of Ms. Spears over and over.

If there was one adjective that you had to pick to describe your cock, what would it be?

Record Store Owner

Definitely masochistic. I had just visited the Sports by Brooks site, and just totally abused my penis to the newest picture of Kim. My penis had barely had time to return to its normal, flaccid state when I glanced at another picture on the site, this time Vanessa. Before I knew what was happening, my dick was hard again and it actually jumped into my hand.

Flynt has stated that former comic giant Andrew Dice Clay is among those slated to appear in the opening run.

Peter Jackson to Follow Oscar Win With "Elton John: Return of the Queen"

When "Return of the King" swept the Academy Awards last Sunday, winning all 11 statues it was nominated for, Best Director Peter Jackson has become one of the most sought after directors in Hollywood. Rumors abound that Jackson has signed on to direct the new remake of King Kong. But after spending years filming monsters, wizards, and dwarves, it seems Jackson doesn't have the desire to work with a giant ape, opting for something a little more fabulous.

[caption id="attachment_445" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Elton hopes to win Best Song (and Best Hat)"][/caption]

Like it or not, gay is in. Gay marriages being performed, anti-sodomy laws repealed, even several scenes between Frodo and Sam, the two main protagonist of the "Rings" stories, where they seemed to be...rather...well, basically butt-buddies.

Word has leaked out that Jackson's newest project will be a film version of gay icon Elton John's autobiography, titled "Elton John: Return of the Queen". Metrosexual icon Justin Timberlake is slated to play Elton, and has stated that he has been having sex with Clay Aiken in order to prepare for the role.

Gibson "Passion" Shocker: Carbs Killed Christ!

Mel Gibson has been under criticism for some time due to his new film on the last hours of Jesus, called "The Passion of the Christ". Jewish leaders are up in arms, saying that "The Passion" is anti-semetic, in that it shows Jews killing Jesus.

[caption id="attachment_447" align="alignright" width="220" caption="Your salvation: Sponsered by Dr. Atkins"][/caption]



Today, word leaked that the real shocker to the story, has nothing to do with Jews, but rather carbohydrates, which clinical studies have shown to be the source of all that is unhealthy in today's Americans.

According to the film, Christ was devoted not only to being the savior of the human race, but also to Dr. Atkins, the man behind the diet craze "The Atkins Diet", which preaches ingestion of large amounts of protein and small amounts of carbohydrates.

The movie reveals that Christ did not die according to the age-old belief that he was nailed to a large wooden cross, but rather by a ham and cheese sandwich, in much the same way as another larger than life figure, Mama Cass.

Gibson claims that a newly unearthed biblical passage from the gospel of John is the basis behind this revelation.

John 18:30 - "And Judas Iscariot, a trusted disciple of Christ offered up to him a ham and cheese sandwich, with lettuce and mayonnaise. And Jesus saw that it was good. "But Judas, I cannot eat this. There are carbs." And verily Judas waved his hand in front of of Christ's face and said, "these are not the carbs you speak of. This is a fish fillet." And Jesus' eyes were clouded by the hand of Satan working through the traitor Judas. And he ate. And the skies opened and the clouds came forth and later Jesus had a heart attack, slipped on some ice and died.