Christian Fundamentalist Group Proposes New Bible Translation

In 1517, Martin Luther wrote his “Ninety-Five Theses,” setting the stage for the Protestant Reformation. Nearly five centuries later, a small group of revolutionaries are planning to repeat history.

[caption id="attachment_1176" align="alignright" width="300"] We'll tell you what Jesus meant.[/caption]

If you looked at Chris Garrison, you wouldn’t see someone brimming with religious fervor. Appearances can be deceiving, however, as the twenty-one year old is attempting to change the way the Bible is understood.

Garrison is leading a movement seeking to introduce a new translation of the Bible into churches worldwide.

Known as the NFV, or New Fundamentalist Version, this translation attempts to make the teachings of Jesus easier to understand for Christians.

The following excerpts illustrate the new translation’s handling of key sections of the Bible. Garrison says that, wherever possible, the translators have attempted to make changes as footnotes rather than in the original text.

Mark 12:30-31: Love the Lord your God (a) with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ (b)There is no commandment greater than these.”

a. By “God” I mean my father, not an Egyptian god, or Allah, or whatever those crazy Mormons believe. Don’t get me started on the Scientologists. Seriously, I’ll turn your water into snakes. In your toilet.

b. Unless he’s a gay.

Matthew 22:19-21: 19 Show me the coin used for paying the tax. By the way, taxes should never go up, no matter how much revenue you need. Get some money from those freeloading poor people.” They brought him a denarius, 20. and he asked them, “Whose image is this? And whose inscription?”

21 “Caesar’s,” they replied.

Then he said to them, “So give back to Caesar what is Caesar’s (a.), and to God what is God’s.”

a. Unless, of course, Caesar is black. That goes without saying, right?

Matthew 19:21: Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor (a), and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

a. I don’t mean this literally, of course. If you give everything to the poor, they wouldn't be poor anymore, right? Then who would the next guy give his possessions to? It’s a metaphor. You’re supposed to give a little bit. Just enough to make you feel like you did something good.

Matthew 5:9: Blessed are the peacemakers, For they shall be called sons of God. Unless someone attacks you. Or is about to attack you. Let’s not be ridiculous. Say for example another country is making weapons of mass destruction. Or is thinking about doing it. In that case: glass parking lot.