Iran reports: Kucinich Has Osama Bin Laden in Basement

Written by Jimmy Wellington

Finally, the answer to the question that all of America is asking: "What in the holy hell is Dennis Kucinich still doing in the race?"

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News reports out of Tehran, Iran indicate the Congressman from Ohio bought the terrorist leader on E-Bay, narrowly outbidding two other users.

To political activist and, for some unknown reason, still Presidential candidate Al Sharpton, the reports answer a lot of questions about Kucinich's remaining presence on the campaign trail.

"During the debates, he's always sitting there with a smug look on his face, even though he never says a damn thing. He would say things like, 'Wait till you see what I got', in a little kid's sing-song voice. Unbelievable."

Bin Laden Calls For Red Sox Manager's Firing: CIA Says Tape Authentic

The United States government released the newest Osama Bin Laden audiotape today, and it turns out that the international terrorist is quite the baseball fan. Bin Laden had plenty to say about his favorite team, the Boston Red Sox, and makes it quite clear that he is not a fan of manager Grady Little.

An excerpt from the tape has Bin Laden saying, "OK, so you capitalist fuckers want proof that I'm still alive? Wait for Grady Little to die in a horrible car accident two weeks from today, you can just go ahead and attribute that to me right now."

CIA experts have been working around the clock, and are "95% sure" that the newest tape from the Al Quaeda terrorist organization leader is authentic. They say that Bin Laden not only made references to the Red Sox latest World Series close call, but also referred to the San Diego Chargers horrible season, although other sports experts have pointed out that predicting another disappointing series for the Chargers is akin to prognosticating that it will rain a lot in Seattle this year.

Many baseball experts have taken Little to task for his decision to leave a clearly tired Pedro Martinez in there against a veteran Yankees team. The Red Sox blew a 4-0 lead as well as a 5-2 lead with only 5 outs separating them from their first World Series appearance since 1986.

Bin Laden stated in the tape that he was all but retired from the internation terror business until Aaron Boone took the first pitch from Tim Wakefield far over the left field wall, to propel the Yankees into yet another World Series appearance for Major League Baseball's most storied franchise.

One of the only positives for Red Sox fans is that it seems that the apocalypse will be postponed until at least next October.