Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Newt Gingrich Threatens to Leave Race Unless America Agrees to Open Presidency
[caption id="attachment_1069" align="alignright" width="314" caption="Gingrich's next book cover"]
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After Rush Limbaugh calls America "sick," Newt Gingrich begins looking for other presidencies.
South Carolina -
A presidential primary becoming known for its galvanic swings of support behind each candidate took another turn today, as news broke that Newt Gingrich, now considered a possible genuine threat to a Mitt Romney nomination, is quietly looking into running for the presidency of other countries.
The reports followed a diatribe by popular radio host Rush Limbaugh, who said, “This country is sick. President Obama, if that is his real name, has been systematically destroying this country. I wouldn’t be surprised if it has a few years left to live, if that.”
While this news may surprise some, those who have been following the news about Mr. Gingrich’s private life have been expecting it.
In 1981 Mr. Gingrich divorced his first wife after she was diagnosed with cancer. In 2000, he divorced his second wife, who had recently been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.
“After hearing Limbaugh’s comments, Newt began asking other countries if they were interested in him being their president,” said a Gingrich campaign official, speaking anonymously. “He’s been running Mexico on a trial basis, but he wants to wait for a commitment from them before dropping out of the US race.”
[/caption]After Rush Limbaugh calls America "sick," Newt Gingrich begins looking for other presidencies.
South Carolina -
A presidential primary becoming known for its galvanic swings of support behind each candidate took another turn today, as news broke that Newt Gingrich, now considered a possible genuine threat to a Mitt Romney nomination, is quietly looking into running for the presidency of other countries.
The reports followed a diatribe by popular radio host Rush Limbaugh, who said, “This country is sick. President Obama, if that is his real name, has been systematically destroying this country. I wouldn’t be surprised if it has a few years left to live, if that.”
While this news may surprise some, those who have been following the news about Mr. Gingrich’s private life have been expecting it.
In 1981 Mr. Gingrich divorced his first wife after she was diagnosed with cancer. In 2000, he divorced his second wife, who had recently been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.
“After hearing Limbaugh’s comments, Newt began asking other countries if they were interested in him being their president,” said a Gingrich campaign official, speaking anonymously. “He’s been running Mexico on a trial basis, but he wants to wait for a commitment from them before dropping out of the US race.”
Saturday, January 07, 2012
Friday, November 25, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Letters From the Editor - Christine O'Donnell Ending Interview with Piers Morgan
An Open Letter to Christine O’Donnell - by Jimmy Wellington
Wow, look how far you’ve come. Just a few short days ago the dumbest thing you had ever done was appear in an official campaign advertisement in which the first four words you said were, “I’m not a witch.”
[caption id="attachment_1021" align="alignright" width="300" caption="I don't know why I'm here either."]
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Now, this.
Let’s see if I can explain how the media works to you. Remember what your friend Sarah Palin told you about how you will get all the questions ahead of time and how the person will only ask what you want to talk about? That’s only on Fox News. Well, most of the other networks and hosts will let you get away with it too.
See what Piers Morgan did to you? That’s called journalism. See, the job of a reporter is to ask the questions that are the most important, not to only ask what doesn’t make you look like a backwoods ignorant bigot.
Don’t worry though. You’ve put yourself in such good company as Billy Bob Thornton, who also got upset when a reporter didn’t want to talk about bullshit. Just look how well his career is going now!
Actually, that reminds me. Why am I wasting valuable ink writing to you in the first place? I’m going to go do something more productive, like buy stock in Borders.
Wow, look how far you’ve come. Just a few short days ago the dumbest thing you had ever done was appear in an official campaign advertisement in which the first four words you said were, “I’m not a witch.”
[caption id="attachment_1021" align="alignright" width="300" caption="I don't know why I'm here either."]
[/caption]Now, this.
Let’s see if I can explain how the media works to you. Remember what your friend Sarah Palin told you about how you will get all the questions ahead of time and how the person will only ask what you want to talk about? That’s only on Fox News. Well, most of the other networks and hosts will let you get away with it too.
See what Piers Morgan did to you? That’s called journalism. See, the job of a reporter is to ask the questions that are the most important, not to only ask what doesn’t make you look like a backwoods ignorant bigot.
Don’t worry though. You’ve put yourself in such good company as Billy Bob Thornton, who also got upset when a reporter didn’t want to talk about bullshit. Just look how well his career is going now!
Actually, that reminds me. Why am I wasting valuable ink writing to you in the first place? I’m going to go do something more productive, like buy stock in Borders.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Congress Desperate for a Lindsay Lohan Arrest
After over a week in which the debt ceiling crisis was the top news story nationwide, Congress is tired of the attention.
[caption id="attachment_989" align="alignright" width="333" caption="Shortly after this photo was taken, Eric Cantor flung feces on the wall and walked out on his hands."]
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“Why can’t that Freaky Friday girl go off the wagon again or something,” House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) said. “That will get us off the front page for three days, minimum.
Speaker Boehner’s bill is up for a vote in the House in less than an hour, and is expected to be as politically important as the color pen with which Malia Obama does her English homework.
“Black pen? Is she trying to play the race card?” said an incredulous Rush Limbaugh.
Political satirist @OTOOLEFAN then wrote a series of tweets asking if Limbaugh said “Black penis” as a Freudian slip.
Karl Rove ridiculed the idea that Congress is actively hoping for a major celebrity meltdown story to take the nation’s minds off the Tea Party faction’s inability to compromise in the manner of most children over the age of two.
“Still, it would have been more helpful if that Casey Anthony thing had happened this week,” said Rove.
[caption id="attachment_989" align="alignright" width="333" caption="Shortly after this photo was taken, Eric Cantor flung feces on the wall and walked out on his hands."]
[/caption]“Why can’t that Freaky Friday girl go off the wagon again or something,” House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) said. “That will get us off the front page for three days, minimum.
Speaker Boehner’s bill is up for a vote in the House in less than an hour, and is expected to be as politically important as the color pen with which Malia Obama does her English homework.
“Black pen? Is she trying to play the race card?” said an incredulous Rush Limbaugh.
Political satirist @OTOOLEFAN then wrote a series of tweets asking if Limbaugh said “Black penis” as a Freudian slip.
Karl Rove ridiculed the idea that Congress is actively hoping for a major celebrity meltdown story to take the nation’s minds off the Tea Party faction’s inability to compromise in the manner of most children over the age of two.
“Still, it would have been more helpful if that Casey Anthony thing had happened this week,” said Rove.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Obama Changes “Debt Ceiling” to “Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level”
After another day of discussions to increase the debt ceiling and avoid the United States from defaulting on its debt obligation for the first time in its history, President Obama decided that he would have to “break out the big guns.”
[caption id="attachment_965" align="alignright" width="300" caption="President Obama thinks of more things to rename"]
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“They say that you should learn from your enemies,” said Mr. Obama. “I realized that I needed to stop trying to convince the Republicans to do what was best for the country and start framing the discussion so that we could attack the GOP during the next elections cycle.”
“I used to think that acting in the best interest of our nation’s citizens was the goal,” he continued. “Thankfully, I realized that winning political points comes before paying our fucking bills.”
In order to achieve his new goal, the president has decided to simply rename the “debt ceiling” to the more politically helpful “Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level.”
“If you don’t act like goddamned grownups,” he warned, “We will run ad after ad in 2012 that says you refused to increase the Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to explain how I voted against that.”
While he’s renaming things, Mr. Obama announced that “ObamaCare” will be renamed “FreedomCare,” “Immigration Reform” will be renamed “The Sanctity of Marriage Act,” and “Taxing the Rich” will be called “Justice for Caylee Anthony.”
“Have you seen Facebook?” Obama said. “Vote against the ‘Justice for Caylee Anthony Act.’ I dare you.”
[caption id="attachment_965" align="alignright" width="300" caption="President Obama thinks of more things to rename"]
[/caption]“They say that you should learn from your enemies,” said Mr. Obama. “I realized that I needed to stop trying to convince the Republicans to do what was best for the country and start framing the discussion so that we could attack the GOP during the next elections cycle.”
“I used to think that acting in the best interest of our nation’s citizens was the goal,” he continued. “Thankfully, I realized that winning political points comes before paying our fucking bills.”
In order to achieve his new goal, the president has decided to simply rename the “debt ceiling” to the more politically helpful “Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level.”
“If you don’t act like goddamned grownups,” he warned, “We will run ad after ad in 2012 that says you refused to increase the Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to explain how I voted against that.”
While he’s renaming things, Mr. Obama announced that “ObamaCare” will be renamed “FreedomCare,” “Immigration Reform” will be renamed “The Sanctity of Marriage Act,” and “Taxing the Rich” will be called “Justice for Caylee Anthony.”
“Have you seen Facebook?” Obama said. “Vote against the ‘Justice for Caylee Anthony Act.’ I dare you.”
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Liberal Activist Smears Andrew Breitbart by Calling Him "Journalist"
Kirill Sdoty, contributor to the website The Daily Kos, has caused a firestorm by uploading a video to the site on Sunday in which conservative provocateur Andrew Breitbart appears to refer to himself as a “journalist.”
[caption id="attachment_840" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Whatever you call this man, do NOT call him a journalist"]
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“I’m not some kind of lamestream media lackey, whose only jobs are to praise Barack Obama and discredit anyone who dares to contradict the Messiah,” Breitbart replied in a posting on his website Breitbart.com. I tell the truth, even if I have to make it up most of the time.”
“Journalist? That’s like Edward R. Murrow or Walter Cronkite,” added Breitbart. “I’m nothing like those guys.”
Early reports indicate that the smear appears to have damaged Breitbart’s reputation among conservatives.
“I don’t know if I can trust anyone who calls himself a journalist,” said 89 year old regular Fox News viewer Brett Hupright. “The crying chalkboard man on the TV told me not to trust journalists, because they have the same last four letters as communists. It’s true, he showed me on his chalkboard. I still trust the guy who looks like a date rapist; he’s definitely not a journalist.”
Liberals are saying that it’s about time Breitbart is on the receiving end of deceitful reporting.
[caption id="attachment_840" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Whatever you call this man, do NOT call him a journalist"]
[/caption]“I’m not some kind of lamestream media lackey, whose only jobs are to praise Barack Obama and discredit anyone who dares to contradict the Messiah,” Breitbart replied in a posting on his website Breitbart.com. I tell the truth, even if I have to make it up most of the time.”
“Journalist? That’s like Edward R. Murrow or Walter Cronkite,” added Breitbart. “I’m nothing like those guys.”
Early reports indicate that the smear appears to have damaged Breitbart’s reputation among conservatives.
“I don’t know if I can trust anyone who calls himself a journalist,” said 89 year old regular Fox News viewer Brett Hupright. “The crying chalkboard man on the TV told me not to trust journalists, because they have the same last four letters as communists. It’s true, he showed me on his chalkboard. I still trust the guy who looks like a date rapist; he’s definitely not a journalist.”
Liberals are saying that it’s about time Breitbart is on the receiving end of deceitful reporting.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Obama Pledges to Support Middle East Peace By Going Back to 1967 Haircut
President Obama raised many eyebrows in the American and Jewish media Thursday by saying a starting point for Israeli-Palestinian negotiations must start with the 1967 borders, a position shared by George W. Bush. He did, however, go one major step further than his predecessor and make this suggestion while black.
[caption id="attachment_836" align="alignright" width="220" caption="He listens to George Clinton too"]
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The President attempted to quell the outrage by people who called his position unfair to Israel by saying he would support the process by going back to his 1967 haircut.
Even though he was only six years old, Obama had an afro that put Erykah Badu to shame, and he has released a photo (seen at right) that shows what he will look like when he lets his hair go back to its 1967 length.
World Net Daily founder Joseph Farah claims that the picture is actually not manipulated using Photoshop.
“This so-called ‘President’ is wearing a wig during his public appearances. He has been supporting Osama bin Laden by growing his hair long. We have an informant inside the White House who informs us that Osama, I mean Obama, is wearing a turban in the evenings in his bedroom.”
House Republicans say they will not accept the President’s new haircut until they see the certificate of long hair.
Glenn Beck pointed out on his chalkboard that HAIRCUT might stand for Hate America and Israel, Respect Communism and Unite Terrorists.
Sarah Palin responded to media inquiries by using Twitter to refer reporters to her Facebook page.
[caption id="attachment_836" align="alignright" width="220" caption="He listens to George Clinton too"]
[/caption]The President attempted to quell the outrage by people who called his position unfair to Israel by saying he would support the process by going back to his 1967 haircut.
Even though he was only six years old, Obama had an afro that put Erykah Badu to shame, and he has released a photo (seen at right) that shows what he will look like when he lets his hair go back to its 1967 length.
World Net Daily founder Joseph Farah claims that the picture is actually not manipulated using Photoshop.
“This so-called ‘President’ is wearing a wig during his public appearances. He has been supporting Osama bin Laden by growing his hair long. We have an informant inside the White House who informs us that Osama, I mean Obama, is wearing a turban in the evenings in his bedroom.”
House Republicans say they will not accept the President’s new haircut until they see the certificate of long hair.
Glenn Beck pointed out on his chalkboard that HAIRCUT might stand for Hate America and Israel, Respect Communism and Unite Terrorists.
Sarah Palin responded to media inquiries by using Twitter to refer reporters to her Facebook page.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
UN Strongly Condemns US Unilateral Invasion of London
The United Nations has made public the text of a letter strongly condemning what the body calls “The completely unnecessary unilateral invasion of a sovereign nation.”
[caption id="attachment_821" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Diana who?"]
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The letter further accuses the U.S. Military of conducting a ground invasion of local and national reporters who are flocking to London to cover the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.
The ground troops are being supplemented by helicopter air support, and Londoners are not happy.
“You don't see the BBC going to the Jersey Shore to cover people who are famous for having done nothing, do you?” asked local resident Den Bickson “Cover your own fabricated stories.”
To ensure that no other media outlet scoops them on the latest news from London, every news outlet from NBC's Today Show to the smallest local news station has sent at least one reporter.
[caption id="attachment_821" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Diana who?"]
[/caption]The letter further accuses the U.S. Military of conducting a ground invasion of local and national reporters who are flocking to London to cover the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.
The ground troops are being supplemented by helicopter air support, and Londoners are not happy.
“You don't see the BBC going to the Jersey Shore to cover people who are famous for having done nothing, do you?” asked local resident Den Bickson “Cover your own fabricated stories.”
To ensure that no other media outlet scoops them on the latest news from London, every news outlet from NBC's Today Show to the smallest local news station has sent at least one reporter.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Obama “Extremely Offended” by Poor Quality of Racist Photoshop
Marilyn Davenport, an Orange County Republican Party official, thought it would be a good idea to send a funny email to several of her friends. The email featured a picture of three monkeys posed as if to take a family picture. President Obama's face is superimposed on the smallest monkey's face, leading many to call the email racist, or at the very least the most ill-advised political email sent since President Clinton clicked send on the “Re:Cigar afficianado” email. President Obama has finally had enough and released a statement saying that the poor picture quality is deeply offensive.
[caption id="attachment_816" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Try to at least blend it or something. Disgusting."]
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“C'mon man, take some classes or something,” Obama said. “Photoshop for Dummies is about twenty bucks.”
Some have leapt to Davenport's defense, pointing out that President George W. Bush was frequently compared to a monkey, which is equally offensive because of the long history of white people being dehumanized by being compared to primates.
Davenport's email continues a series of poor quality images designed to draw their humor from racist stereotypes.
Photoshop expert Ben Dickson shakes his head while examining the latest image manipulation involving Obama.
“I don't know why this person even invested in Photoshop,” said Dickson. “Work of this quality could have been done in MS Paint for free. The person who made this doesn't even know what the blur tool is. Disgusting.”
[caption id="attachment_816" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Try to at least blend it or something. Disgusting."]
[/caption]“C'mon man, take some classes or something,” Obama said. “Photoshop for Dummies is about twenty bucks.”
Some have leapt to Davenport's defense, pointing out that President George W. Bush was frequently compared to a monkey, which is equally offensive because of the long history of white people being dehumanized by being compared to primates.
Davenport's email continues a series of poor quality images designed to draw their humor from racist stereotypes.
Photoshop expert Ben Dickson shakes his head while examining the latest image manipulation involving Obama.
“I don't know why this person even invested in Photoshop,” said Dickson. “Work of this quality could have been done in MS Paint for free. The person who made this doesn't even know what the blur tool is. Disgusting.”
Friday, April 08, 2011
Democrats Spread Rumor That Government Shutdown Would Shut Down Fox News
With midnight rapidly approaching and no deal in place to keep the government running, House Democrats are resorting to desperate measures to avoid a government shutdown. Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) is reportedly spreading rumors that the impending shutdown will cut funding to Fox News.
[caption id="attachment_812" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The ballsiest Weiner in Washington"]
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“Hey, we tried to play fair,” said Weiner. “But the Republicans just won’t budge."
Democratic strategy is to convince Tea Party members, who are pushing House Republicans to cut programs such as Planned Parenthood and NPR, that they will not be able to watch Sean Hannity or Fox and Friends tell them what happened in the news and what to believe.
“Without Fox News programming, how will I know how Obama is ruining the country?” said Fox News viewer Jerry Giles. “The lamestream media is too scared to have Sarah Palin on to talk about important things, like Obama’s birth certificate or how Obama is working with the Illuminati to bring about the end of the world as prophesied by the Mayans and helped along by the Freemasons.”
There is still no word of a potential secret meeting between Weiner and House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) on what is being called the "Weiner - Boehner Compromise."
[caption id="attachment_812" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The ballsiest Weiner in Washington"]
[/caption]“Hey, we tried to play fair,” said Weiner. “But the Republicans just won’t budge."
Democratic strategy is to convince Tea Party members, who are pushing House Republicans to cut programs such as Planned Parenthood and NPR, that they will not be able to watch Sean Hannity or Fox and Friends tell them what happened in the news and what to believe.
“Without Fox News programming, how will I know how Obama is ruining the country?” said Fox News viewer Jerry Giles. “The lamestream media is too scared to have Sarah Palin on to talk about important things, like Obama’s birth certificate or how Obama is working with the Illuminati to bring about the end of the world as prophesied by the Mayans and helped along by the Freemasons.”
There is still no word of a potential secret meeting between Weiner and House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) on what is being called the "Weiner - Boehner Compromise."
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Scientists Discover Gay Gene: Republicans Announce Abortion Exception
Scientists at the Johnson Research Laboratory in Andover, NJ have discovered the gene that determines one’s sexual orientation. Later in the day, Reince Priebus, Republican National Committee chairman, announced that the party’s platform had changed to being pro-choice in certain conditions.
[caption id="attachment_778" align="alignright" width="300" caption="What does this guy know about gay genes?"]
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“You know, sometimes we make mistakes,” Priebus said. “We realized that the pro-choice people had some good points. As much as we would hope that people don’t choose to have an abortion, is it morally right to bring into the world a child who is destined to burn in hell?”
The latest change in policy comes in the midst of a Republican resurgence, in which newly elected lawmakers attempt to change laws to make government smaller. According to RNC spokesman Roger Ailes, “If government is not small, how can we insert it into women’s reproductive organs?”
Science ethicists disagree on the impact of the gay gene discovery. “There is no way to distinguish between ‘camps out for Kathy Griffin tickets’ gay and ‘dykes out for a semester in college’ gay,” says concerned ethicist Mark Devis, author of the popular column “Putting the Gene-y Back in the Bottle.”
This about-face on abortion restrictions is surprising because Republican state legislators have been proposing an increasingly stringent series of bills to limit a woman’s right to have an abortion. One such law slapped doctors with restraining orders that kept them from being within 100 yards of a fetus.
[caption id="attachment_778" align="alignright" width="300" caption="What does this guy know about gay genes?"]
[/caption]“You know, sometimes we make mistakes,” Priebus said. “We realized that the pro-choice people had some good points. As much as we would hope that people don’t choose to have an abortion, is it morally right to bring into the world a child who is destined to burn in hell?”
The latest change in policy comes in the midst of a Republican resurgence, in which newly elected lawmakers attempt to change laws to make government smaller. According to RNC spokesman Roger Ailes, “If government is not small, how can we insert it into women’s reproductive organs?”
Science ethicists disagree on the impact of the gay gene discovery. “There is no way to distinguish between ‘camps out for Kathy Griffin tickets’ gay and ‘dykes out for a semester in college’ gay,” says concerned ethicist Mark Devis, author of the popular column “Putting the Gene-y Back in the Bottle.”
This about-face on abortion restrictions is surprising because Republican state legislators have been proposing an increasingly stringent series of bills to limit a woman’s right to have an abortion. One such law slapped doctors with restraining orders that kept them from being within 100 yards of a fetus.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Sarah Palin Vows to Hack and Slash Violent Political Rhetoric
The following is a transcript of Sarah Palin’s video in response to the response to her response to the shooting in Arizona.
Good evening, America. I’m really sad that I have to spend time making another internet video to respond to the lamestream media’s reaction to my last video.
Many have called on me to apologize. I guess today you can’t tell the truth without somebody wanting you to apologize. I’ve been asked to retreat from my statement that the opposition soldiers in our political battle because of a phrase that I used, blood libel.
Some of these cowards have said that this statement is offensive to Jews. This is completely impossible. I am a good Christian, and have completely forgiven my Zionist friends for killing our savior. I ask you to wash your hands of these accusations like Pilate did.
Good evening, America. I’m really sad that I have to spend time making another internet video to respond to the lamestream media’s reaction to my last video.
Many have called on me to apologize. I guess today you can’t tell the truth without somebody wanting you to apologize. I’ve been asked to retreat from my statement that the opposition soldiers in our political battle because of a phrase that I used, blood libel.
Some of these cowards have said that this statement is offensive to Jews. This is completely impossible. I am a good Christian, and have completely forgiven my Zionist friends for killing our savior. I ask you to wash your hands of these accusations like Pilate did.
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