FDA to Put Pictures of Unplanned Pregnancies on Alcohol Bottles

[caption id="attachment_880" align="alignright" width="250" caption="It's a baby bottle, get it?"][/caption]

The Food and Drug Administration announced today that they will add warning labels to alcohol bottles. Following the positive reaction to the new graphic images on new cigarette warning labels, the organization says they hope to help drinkers in the same way.

“For too long, people have bought alcohol without considering the ramifications. With Facebook, Flickr, Twitter, and Ask Jeeves, you can never live down that girl or guy you brought home,” said FDA spokesman Ray Kennedy. “If you’re really unlucky, you might have a reminder for 18 years that eats, poops, and vomits all over you.”

Reaction to the new warning labels has been mixed.

“I don’t really think I have to worry about getting a woman pregnant,” said Jeremy Winston, alcoholic. “I just want to forget the pain. Is there a label for that?”

The anti-drunk driving organization Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) is in favor of the labels, although they think they don’t go far enough.

“We have tried to get photos of horrific car crashes put on warning labels,” MADD spokesperson Alison Jenkins said. “Just think, we might have been able to save Jackass star Ryan Dunn.”

 

Nokia Announces "Drunk-Free" Cell Phone

The telecommunications company Nokia announced a product yesterday that will come as great news to anybody that has ever received an early morning call from a friend who is under the influence of alcohol.

[caption id="attachment_362" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Here, honey. Blow into this"][/caption]

The "Drunk-Phone" comes with a breathalyzer attached, which determines if the person wishing to operate the phone is sober enough to do so responsibly. If a high enough blood-alcohol level is measured, the phone is rendered useless.

A marketing survey shows that the vast majority of cell phone customers think that the new feature is a great idea for other people's phones, however they feel that it is unnecessary for themselves.

Jason Plimpton, a college student from San Diego State University, says it's a great idea. "That would certainly cut down on the number of drunk calls I get from my friends. I don't think that it should be mandatory though, I mean, It's not like I drunk call people."

"Jason, are you fucking kidding me?", responded his girlfriend, Kerry Stiles. You don't remember calling me at 2:30 in the morning last night saying that you killed a spider? And what about the time you called [Jason's ex-girlfriend of three years prior] Cynthia, and told her you loved her and wanted to come over and bang her? You were so drunk that you didn't realize I was standing right next to you!"

The "drunk call" feature will not be activated until midnight on weeknights, although it will be activated all weekend, since the vast majority of college students seem to view the time between Friday afternoon and Monday morning as "drunk time".