Shaq Signs Deal For $850M, California

The ever rising cost of securing the services of a high profile professional athlete may have escalated out of control this weekend with the signing of marquee center Shaquille O'Neal by the Los Angeles Clippers. The deal is worth a reported 850 Million Dollars over three seasons and also includes his very own state. Owner Donald Sterling had this to say about the deal: "Well, we're extremely happy about the signing, it moves us from a lower level team to an instant NBA championship contender. It really was a no-brainer." When asked about the highly unusual contract addition of ownership of a state, he commented: "It really wasn't that hard to get actually, Governor Gray Davis was really fed up after that whole energy fiasco and sold us the deed to the state for a very reasonable price."

ESPN sports writer Dan Patrick was not as comfortable with the signing and feels that the contract could have major implications throughout the sporting world: "Shaquille O'Neal is a dominant player, perhaps one of the most dominant to ever play the game, but this is outrageous!", he wrote in his column yesterday. "The deal brings the Clippers payroll to roughly $309,415,000 for next year, or about 12 times last years mark. For that amount of cash, at current salaries, O'Neal could buy every player on the Lakers, the Knicks, the Celtics, and the Nets, with plenty of money left over to make a new rap album, which God knows no one wants to hear."

Shaq had plenty to say about the deal: "Ha, ha! I'm a rich motherfucker now! I can say whatever I want about whoever I want! Uh oh, it'll get printed on ESPN? Not if I buy them!"

Shaq says that he plans to change the name of California to "Shaqtown", and will change the state flag from the familiar California Bear logo to a large picture of himself, naked in a sea of money.

Former teammate Kobe Bryant responded to the news by immediately announcing that he too will seek a better deal in a new NBA city. He is looking for somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 million a year, with his own state being a major piece of the deal. Inside sources say that he is interested in Texas, but may have to settle for New Jersey. More on this story as it develops.