Terrorists Declare "War On War On Terrorism"

Local Al-Quaida officials announced on Tuesday that they are declaring war on the United States’ War on Terrorism. This news comes in response to the American attacks geared on “eradicating terrorism as we know it.” Spokesperson Muhammed Il-Jihad agreed to speak with us regarding the new declaration of war. “Those American infidels will pay for what they have done to our people. All we were trying to do was get some recognition for our movement. It was not our intention to kill innocent women and children. Our intelligence indicated that the American military was using the World Trade Center buildings as a covert base for operations. All praise be to Allah!” He then blew himself up by activating the large bomb strapped to his chest.

Al-Quaida leadership is claiming “unprovoked attacks on our homeland” to be the impetus behind their declaration of war. Their new spokesman, who replaced Il-Jihad, the former spokesperson who blew himself up in the last paragraph, states: “We do not understand what we have done to you people that would cause you to attack us in this manner. Just yesterday, one of your bombs killed 20 of our soldiers! 20 Soldiers! That is equal to a third of our troops!” Fortunately our replacement reporter was able to duck behind a table before the new spokesperson shouted “All praise be to Allah!” and blew himself up.

The United States government has tried unsuccessfully to determine the whereabouts of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, who is believed to be responsible for the Sep. 11 attacks. According to a government spokesperson, “We know that Osama Bin Laden has been killed. There is no possible way that he could be alive. Say, why are you asking? Did you see him somewhere? Cause he’s dead. Yep, he sure is.”

Despite the assertion that he is in fact dead, Bin Laden sightings have been plentiful. NYU student Brad Miller claims that he saw Bin Laden driving a cab in midtown Manhattan. Others swear that they’ve seen him working in a local 7-11.

Inside sources tell us that the terrorists are plotting new attacks on American soil and have found many different ways to attack the United States simply by watching CNN, or as the terrorists call it: "The Intel Channel". Hamas operative Jasir Alabatta tells us more. “The other day CNN did a story on how security needed to be tightened at reservoirs, because if we were able to drop in a tiny amount of poison to the water supply, we could kill hundreds of thousands of American pigs. We were actually planning on something on a smaller scale, but how can we pass up that opportunity?”