Pinocchio Becomes Real Boy, Sues Michael Jackson

Editor's Note: This classic story was originally published in August 2004

Written by Jake Novak

(Rome, Italy) Achieving a life-long dream, the wooden puppet Pinocchio turned into a true flesh and blood boy today and immediately announced his intentions to sue pop star Michael Jackson for molestation.

[caption id="attachment_262" align="alignright" width="218" caption="Tell me lies, puppet!"][/caption]

"Now that I'm a real boy, I can finally get some recourse for the years of abuse I've suffered at the hands of Michael Jackson," said a tearful Pinocchio at a news conference arranged outside his home in a quiet section of Rome. "Maybe my suffering will help stop other boys, both real and puppet, from being hurt by a man who hides behind his fame," he added.

Pinocchio's lawyers offered reporters detailed information about the alleged abuse.

"Mister Jackson lured Pinocchio to the Neverland Ranch with promises of candy and amusement park rides, but things rapidly deteriorated from there. In fact, we have evidence that Mister Jackson intentionally encouraged Pinocchio to lie so his nose would grow longer... something that was used for a myriad of vile sexual reasons," said Raul Felder, a civil lawyer working with the plaintiff.

Jackson's lawyers were quick to counter the charges.

"First of all, being that all of the alleged molestations occurred while the accuser was still made of wood, I hardly see how any court of law can honor these charges," said Jackson attorney Tom Mesereau.

"Second of all, we believe Pinocchio's guardian Geppetto is primarily responsible for the abuse and has been contacting my client for years as part of an elaborate blackmail attempt," Mesereau added.

But, speaking in broken English, Geppetto denied that claim and denied he ever had any contact with Jackson before.

"I'm a no puppet toucher! And I ah only pray to BLUE fairy to make Pinocchio real boy, not to the SINGING fairy," he insisted.

Sources close to Interpol say Italian and California police are working together to see if any criminal charges can be brought in the case. One lead investigators are pursuing are reports that a small insect named Jiminy Cricket may have witnessed the abuse and may be able to shed light on the story.

But Mr. Cricket has already found legal representation from famed attorney Gloria Allred.

"Mr. Cricket does have information on this case and he will comment on that and cooperate with investigators as soon as his privacy and safety is assured," said Allred on tonight's edition of "Larry King Live." But I warn Mister Jackson and the news media not to pay too much attention to him, because as long as I keep wearing these flashy pant-suits, I'M your story," she added.