(San Francisco, CA) - The California State Supreme Court's decision to annul thousands of gay and lesbian marriages performed this year means Kelli Carpenter finally has a long-awaited ticket to freedom from being married to Rosie O'Donnell.
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[/caption]"Oh screw the fight for gay rights, if it could get me away from that loud-mouthed fat bitch, I'd vote for Jerry Falwell" said a jubilant Carpenter outside the New York City townhouse she shared with O'Donnell and their four adopted children. "I mean when we first met, I I thought she was kind of cute in a butch sort of way, and she bought me everything I ever wanted, but there's butch and then there's BUTCH. I'm a lesbian, but if I wanted to sleep with a Mack Truck, I would have stuck with my first boyfriend from 8th grade," she added.
Friends of the couple say Carpenter had been trying to get away from O'Donnell for years, but the failed talk show host and movie actress kept dragging her across the world on gay cruises and trips to political rallies.
"The time just never seemed right," said one friend who wanted her name kept secret to avoid being attacked, or eaten, by O'Donnell. "I mean when you're at some rally talking about how lesbians deserve marriage rights, it's pretty hard to just walk out," she added.
The scenario must seem eerily familiar to O'Donnell, who also saw her magazine publisher walk out on her shortly after she publicly announced she was gay. O'Donnell won a lawsuit in connection with that incident, but legal experts think Carpenter will do better if she's ever forced into court.
"I think any jury would immediately side with Carpenter in any trial," said CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin, "once 12 decent Americans see what Carpenter had to live and SLEEP with for six years... well, there won't be enough money in the U.S. Treasury to cover the kind of settlement she'd get," he added. "I suggest O'Donnell just give Carpenter half her cash or else risk having the whole world hear about what her underwear smells like after sitting through three acts of 'Phantom of the Opera.'
What happens to the couple's four adopted children is now up for speculation, but Carpenter believes she will be awarded custody without a fight.
"Rosie keeps adopting these kids like there's no tomorrow, but she spends maybe 5 minutes a day with them tops," insists Carpenter. "Anything that gets in the way of her seeing eight Broadway shows per week and getting to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Beefsteak Charlies twice a week just isn't on her radar," she said.
Despite the apparent unhappy marriage, up and coming gay celebrities insist O'Donnell and Carpenter's story is still an inspiration.
"I'm not in to women, but let's face it, that Carpenter is a hot chick," said Edgar Franklin, a chorus member in the cast of "Mama Mia" on Broadway, "it was so good to see that a blob like Rosie could score a woman like that just because she was rich and famous. Thank God the whole 'Sugar Daddy' thing works for every sexual orientation," he added.
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