Liza Minnelli Tapped to Replace Suha Arafat as Fat, Drunken Palestinian First Lady

Written by Jake Novak

Now that Suha Arafat is out of the picture, Palestinian leaders have quickly moved to replace her as their nation's First Lady by quickly arranging a marriage between Liza Minnelli and new PLO Chairman, Mahmoud Abbas.

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"Suha was a light to our people, a representative of the women's cause, but luckily, we have Ms. Minnelli to take her place as an overweight broad who's quick-to-anger," said Palestinian spokesman Saeb Erakat.

Experts on the Arab-Israeli conflict believe Minnelli will fill Arafat's role admirably.

"Well, she's fat and just as unattractive as Suha ever was, and she's got a violent temper, which believe me, you need to succeed in the Arab world these days," said New York Times columnist and Middle East scholar Thomas Friedman. "In fact, if she would just save her most violent fits for Israelis and Americans rather than her husbands and bodyguards, she'd be a major hit!" he added.

Dolly Parton's Planned Breast Reduction Surgery Prompts Red State Crisis

Written by Jake Novak

Country icon Dolly Parton's plans for a breast reduction surgery plunged the nation's Red states into a crisis today as heartbroken Southern Americans struggled with the painful news.

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"This is way worse than stem cell research," said Ralf Gundy of Lumberton, North Carolina, "I feel like science is really working against man instead of with him now."

Others shared that concern and laid the blame directly on the White House doorstep.

"We were worried something like this might happen if John Kerry were elected, but now its happened anyway," said an angry Mable Robinson of Salem, Alabama, "you can bet I'll be expecting something from President Bush to stop this."

Bush administration officials huddled in the executive mansion late into the night hoping to craft some sort of response while the Pentagon put a squadron of F-16's on alert.

"They'll be ready to strafe any hospital in Tennessee or Arkansas within 3 minutes of the President's order," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld at an impromptu press conference outside the White House.

Meanwhile, administration critics are having a field day.

"This just goes to show how the President has failed even his core supporters at a key moment," said New York Times editorial columnist Paul Krugman.