Country icon Dolly Parton's plans for a breast reduction surgery plunged the nation's Red states into a crisis today as heartbroken Southern Americans struggled with the painful news.
[caption id="attachment_427" align="alignright" width="261" caption="These boobs were made for ogling"]
[/caption]"This is way worse than stem cell research," said Ralf Gundy of Lumberton, North Carolina, "I feel like science is really working against man instead of with him now."
Others shared that concern and laid the blame directly on the White House doorstep.
"We were worried something like this might happen if John Kerry were elected, but now its happened anyway," said an angry Mable Robinson of Salem, Alabama, "you can bet I'll be expecting something from President Bush to stop this."
Bush administration officials huddled in the executive mansion late into the night hoping to craft some sort of response while the Pentagon put a squadron of F-16's on alert.
"They'll be ready to strafe any hospital in Tennessee or Arkansas within 3 minutes of the President's order," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld at an impromptu press conference outside the White House.
Meanwhile, administration critics are having a field day.
"This just goes to show how the President has failed even his core supporters at a key moment," said New York Times editorial columnist Paul Krugman.
"The fallacy that this administration is a friend of 'Joe Six Pack' has been exposed. Sadly this happened two days after election day," he added.
Sources say political director Karl Rove is working with Attorney General John Ashcroft on a Constitutional Amendment barring Parton from having the surgery, but there are some complications.
"We're having trouble justifying changing our most precious legal document just to protect one chick's rack," said an DOJ official who asked to remain anonymous, "however, we are having more success with another strategy that would have Ms. Parton declared an enemy combatant and sent to Guantanamo. That could stall the surgery for at least 3 years," he added.
Parton has remained quiet about the growing crisis, but she is receiving some support in the remaining Blue state strongholds.
"We would like to extend our warmest invitation to Ms. Parton to come and have her surgery here," said San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome earlier today. "we can even medevac her straight from Dollywood," he added.
Congressional Republicans with their eyes on the White House in 2008 are already sensing an opportunity.
"You can be sure that under a Trent Lott administration this never would have happened," said the former Senate Majority Leader from his state office in Mississippi. "But I can't vouch for someone like Bill Frist, a known surgeon who's cut up chests before. People have to have faith in God to get the right body and not rely on science and quacks," he insisted.
Senator John McCain expressed similar outrage.
"All those years as a prisoner of war in Vietnam, one of the only things that kept me going was day dreams about Dolly's gazongas, God I'll miss them."
If the Bush Administration is unable to stop the breast reduction insurgency in time, political experts believe the President's options will be limited if he wants to keep Red state support.
"He'll probably have to make NASCAR event tickets tax deductible or at least find a new way to harass homosexuals," said University of Virginia political scientist Larry Sabato, "but losing Dolly's boobs will really be a noticeable mistake that could hamstring his second term before it even starts."
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