Now that Suha Arafat is out of the picture, Palestinian leaders have quickly moved to replace her as their nation's First Lady by quickly arranging a marriage between Liza Minnelli and new PLO Chairman, Mahmoud Abbas.
[caption id="attachment_176" align="alignright" width="300" caption="My eyes!"]
[/caption]"Suha was a light to our people, a representative of the women's cause, but luckily, we have Ms. Minnelli to take her place as an overweight broad who's quick-to-anger," said Palestinian spokesman Saeb Erakat.
Experts on the Arab-Israeli conflict believe Minnelli will fill Arafat's role admirably.
"Well, she's fat and just as unattractive as Suha ever was, and she's got a violent temper, which believe me, you need to succeed in the Arab world these days," said New York Times columnist and Middle East scholar Thomas Friedman. "In fact, if she would just save her most violent fits for Israelis and Americans rather than her husbands and bodyguards, she'd be a major hit!" he added.
Minnelli herself hasn't responded to requests to be interviewed, but her close friends say this is the perfect new role for her.
"Let's think about all the things Liza has done recently that make her perfect for this job," said movie critic and Minnelli confidante Rex Reed, "arranged phony marriage -- check! she's done that already. Hard to look at in public -- check! she's been that way since 1975. Able to fly into a rage when Jews or Israel are mentioned... she'd probably do that if you told her they were trying to take her booze away, so -- check! on that one too."
Israelis are also apparently willing to hate Minnelli just as much as they did Suha.
"Anti-Israel or not, to tell you the truth Liza's been getting under my skin ever since she did that 'Arthur 2,' what the Hell was she thinking?" asked former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. "I mean making people pay to watch a movie like that is the real terrorism," he added.
The Bush administration is also endorsing the move.
"The Palestinian people have the right to chose whoever they like as their political and figurehead leaders," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan earlier today, "but we must say that if they were looking for an American woman with really bitchy tendencies we sure wish they could have taken Teresa Heinz Kerry off our hands too," he added.
Minnelli and Abbas' wedding is expected to take place this Wednesday. In lieu of gifts, the couple asks that well-wishers donate money to the suspicious Muslim charity of their choice.
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