"Female Viagra" Convinces Women that Men Will Call Them

Written by Jake Novak After several drug companies failed to produce a pill that can increase female libido, the pharmaceutical industry has changed tactics by introducing a new line of psychoactive drugs that won't boost a woman's sex drive, but will have the same ultimate effect.









"Many women either hold back during intercourse or forego sex completely out of fear their male partner doesn't respect them or doesn't want to pursue a real relationship," said Doctor Martha Voorhees of Novartis . "However, our new drug 'Esteemcylcin' will make any woman feel like they're sleeping with the sensitive new-age guy of their dreams."

[caption id="attachment_142" align="alignright" width="210" caption="I just need to know where this relationship is going. Hello? Hello?"][/caption]

Voorhies says Esteemcyclin works gradually on most women. First, it convinces key parts of her cerebrum that the man she's out with will definitely call her within the next two to three days. Next, it convinces the user that that her partner is not only listening to everything she says, but is interested in it too. Finally, the pill implants something called a "created memory effect" into the woman's mind, making her think the man has already brought her to meet his mother.

"A few minutes after she took that pill, that was the ballgame," said an ecstatic Jim Traber of his date Amber Williams the morning after their first date. "She was all over me, calling me her 'life partner' and stuff. What the Hell? But hey, whatever gets me into her panties."

But Novartis legal spokeswomen Nate Snell had some words of caution for Traber and other men who may try to abuse the drug.

"Yeah, it gets you the immediate score, but these women get really convinced, I mean REALLY convinced YOU'RE the one. Plus, each pill lasts about 24 hours, so don't be surprised if your lady starts expecting you to do some chores around her apartment or pick out baby clothes after you're through in the sack," Snell warned.

Viagra-maker Pfizer is already testing its rival version of Esteemcyclin called 'Respectiva' which it claims adds some interesting features.

"Respectiva not only makes a woman think she's with Mr. Right, but it also blurs vision and olfactory senses to help Mr. Not-so-Right look and smell acceptable to almost anyone," said the pill's primary developer Doctor Juan Bonilla.

Insurance companies aren't sure they'll allow women to buy these new products with their drug coverage plans, but one high-level executive at a major health care insurer said there is no need to worry.

"What, a pill that makes women want to sleep with just about any guy? Christ, the U.S. government will be giving that out like surplus cheese! If you can't find it on your own, try visiting your Congressman or something, he'll probably be putting it in the candy dish in the lobby."