Evangelical Christian Youths Enjoy Not Masturbating to Christine O'Donnell

Sixteen-year-old Akron teenager Brian Jacobsen used to have a problem. When he would see a scantily-clad attractive and fit woman, he would have a physical reaction below the belt. At first he thought this was perfectly natural, like all his peers told him. His so-called “friends,” however, were leading him down the path to eternal damnation, Jacobsen has since learned.

[caption id="attachment_744" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Christian Youths Love to Not Masturbate to This Picture"][/caption]

“They were telling me it was ok to release this tension myself,” says Jacobsen.” Fortunately, my friend turned me on to Christine’s videos, and I found out that this was completely unnatural and could even threaten my soul.”

The “Christine” to which Jacobsen refers is Christine O’Donnell, tea party darling and newest member of the Republican Party’s “I Won’t Appear on Any Shows Unless Their Name Starts With an ‘H’ and Ends in an ‘annity’” Club.

Old television clips of O’Donnell show her giving opinions that most of the country rejects, but some Evangelical Christians embrace, for example, saying that masturbating is immoral. When asked about old videos that are now being used to show her extreme views, O'Donnell said the videos represent the experimentation typical of young people.

For Jacobsen and members of his church youth group, these messages come at the right time, since their hormones are raging and nearly every type of product is sold by appealing to sexual urges.

“Girls at my school wear provocative clothing,” adds Jacobsen. “Fortunately, I have learned not to give in to temptation. I do find myself having to wash my sheets quite often.”

Young people like Brian and the members of his youth group have begun to have “Not Masturbating” parties. At these parties, they watch provocative videos and practice fighting against Satan’s influence that makes them want to touch themselves.

These parties are apparently quite popular, and O’Donnell’s videos are a main draw.

“She is so hot, and I love listening to her talk about sex. I could almost visualize her having sex with me,” said Joey Kliner, Brian’s friend and fellow youth group member.

“Of course, that would be wrong,” Kliner quickly added.

The line for the bathroom is often quite long at these parties, so partygoers are asked to limit their liquid intake.

The next “Not Masturbating Party” will be held at Jacobsen’s house, and his father has volunteered to chaperone.