Letters From the Editor - Christine O'Donnell Ending Interview with Piers Morgan

An Open Letter to Christine O’Donnell - by Jimmy Wellington

Wow, look how far you’ve come. Just a few short days ago the dumbest thing you had ever done was appear in an official campaign advertisement in which the first four words you said were, “I’m not a witch.”

[caption id="attachment_1021" align="alignright" width="300" caption="I don't know why I'm here either."][/caption]

Now, this.

Let’s see if I can explain how the media works to you. Remember what your friend Sarah Palin told you about how you will get all the questions ahead of time and how the person will only ask what you want to talk about? That’s only on Fox News. Well, most of the other networks and hosts will let you get away with it too.

See what Piers Morgan did to you? That’s called journalism. See, the job of a reporter is to ask the questions that are the most important, not to only ask what doesn’t make you look like a backwoods ignorant bigot.

Don’t worry though. You’ve put yourself in such good company as Billy Bob Thornton, who also got upset when a reporter didn’t want to talk about bullshit. Just look how well his career is going now!

Actually, that reminds me. Why am I wasting valuable ink writing to you in the first place? I’m going to go do something more productive, like buy stock in Borders.

Law and Order: Special Guest Star Unit

Enjoy Part 1 of 3 in our short video series Law and Order: Bottom of the Barrel.  If you like it, don't keep it to yourself, pass it along to your friends!

Campaign Slogans We'd Like To See

Feuds We'd Like To See

Obama Pledges to Support Middle East Peace By Going Back to 1967 Haircut

President Obama raised many eyebrows in the American and Jewish media Thursday by saying a starting point for Israeli-Palestinian negotiations must start with the 1967 borders, a position shared by George W. Bush. He did, however, go one major step further than his predecessor and make this suggestion while black.

[caption id="attachment_836" align="alignright" width="220" caption="He listens to George Clinton too"][/caption]

The President attempted to quell the outrage by people who called his position unfair to Israel by saying he would support the process by going back to his 1967 haircut.

Even though he was only six years old, Obama had an afro that put Erykah Badu to shame, and he has released a photo (seen at right) that shows what he will look like when he lets his hair go back to its 1967 length.

World Net Daily founder Joseph Farah claims that the picture is actually not manipulated using Photoshop.

“This so-called ‘President’ is wearing a wig during his public appearances. He has been supporting Osama bin Laden by growing his hair long. We have an informant inside the White House who informs us that Osama, I mean Obama, is wearing a turban in the evenings in his bedroom.”

House Republicans say they will not accept the President’s new haircut until they see the certificate of long hair.

Glenn Beck pointed out on his chalkboard that HAIRCUT might stand for Hate America and Israel, Respect Communism and Unite Terrorists.

Sarah Palin responded to media inquiries by using Twitter to refer reporters to her Facebook page.

 

Sarah Palin Vows to Hack and Slash Violent Political Rhetoric

The following is a transcript of Sarah Palin’s video in response to the response to her response to the shooting in Arizona.

Good evening, America. I’m really sad that I have to spend time making another internet video to respond to the lamestream media’s reaction to my last video.

Many have called on me to apologize. I guess today you can’t tell the truth without somebody wanting you to apologize. I’ve been asked to retreat from my statement that the opposition soldiers in our political battle because of a phrase that I used, blood libel.

Some of these cowards have said that this statement is offensive to Jews. This is completely impossible. I am a good Christian, and have completely forgiven my Zionist friends for killing our savior. I ask you to wash your hands of these accusations like Pilate did.

"Drunk Sarah Palin" Supports Keith Older Man

The Fake News' latest correspondent, Drunk Sarah Palin, recorded a video in support of a media figure under fire. You can read her tweets at @drunksarahpalin.

Evangelical Christian Youths Enjoy Not Masturbating to Christine O'Donnell

Sixteen-year-old Akron teenager Brian Jacobsen used to have a problem. When he would see a scantily-clad attractive and fit woman, he would have a physical reaction below the belt. At first he thought this was perfectly natural, like all his peers told him. His so-called “friends,” however, were leading him down the path to eternal damnation, Jacobsen has since learned.

[caption id="attachment_744" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Christian Youths Love to Not Masturbate to This Picture"][/caption]

“They were telling me it was ok to release this tension myself,” says Jacobsen.” Fortunately, my friend turned me on to Christine’s videos, and I found out that this was completely unnatural and could even threaten my soul.”

The “Christine” to which Jacobsen refers is Christine O’Donnell, tea party darling and newest member of the Republican Party’s “I Won’t Appear on Any Shows Unless Their Name Starts With an ‘H’ and Ends in an ‘annity’” Club.

Old television clips of O’Donnell show her giving opinions that most of the country rejects, but some Evangelical Christians embrace, for example, saying that masturbating is immoral. When asked about old videos that are now being used to show her extreme views, O'Donnell said the videos represent the experimentation typical of young people.

For Jacobsen and members of his church youth group, these messages come at the right time, since their hormones are raging and nearly every type of product is sold by appealing to sexual urges.

"Ground Zero Mosque" Protesters Have Difficulty Locating Protest Site

As more and more Americans hear about the plans to build a mosque on the hallowed, sanctified ground where the World Trade Center towers once stood, many become outraged and want to do something to stop it. Every day since conservative commentators have made this story among the most talked about nationwide, throngs of protesters have descended upon lower Manhattan, many carrying signs, most surprisingly grammatically correct, that question the wisdom of building an Islamic place of worship so close to the site of the worst terrorist attack in American history. The number of protesters who arrive at the site is much smaller than the number who intend on protesting, according to opponents of the building. You see, many of these patriots are traveling to “Ground Zero” and cannot locate the proposed building site.

[caption id="attachment_737" align="alignright" width="300" caption="They're always after me lucky bombs!"][/caption]

“It’s easy to find Ground Zero, but we weren’t sure on what side of Ground Zero this travesty is being planned,” said Russell Garrison, factory worker and Glenn Beck viewer, who journeyed from Ohio to protest the construction. “We heard that they already had a giant Batman-like light that projected a giant star and crescent into the night sky, but we couldn’t see anything like that.”

Many would-be protesters are under the assumption that the building is being built at Ground Zero, probably because pundits have been calling the planned community center the “Ground Zero Mosque.” In the same way that Joe the Plumber wasn’t actually a licensed plumber and was not named Joe, the building is not located at Ground Zero, nor is it technically a mosque. Sure, a mosque is part of the community center, but most people do not say they are going to the bathroom to work out, even though their local gym has several bathrooms included inside the building.

President Obama Announces Regime Change For Exxon

Prior to President Obama addressing the nation from the Oval Office at 8PM EDT on Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced a bold step in the Gulf oil leak saga: The United States government is seizing all assets owned by the Exxon corporation and investigating all top-level employees.

[caption id="attachment_728" align="alignright" width="300" caption="It's just a matter of time until Exxon strikes again. Can we take that chance?"][/caption]

“Believe me, we are not taking our eye off of BP, but intelligence analysis shows that Exxon poses a clear and present danger to our nation’s waterways,” said Gibbs. “They’ve shown a propensity to leak oil into America’s waters, and we feel it necessary to stop them before they do it again. We don’t want the smoking gun to be an oil plume.”

This bold move comes after pressure from the media and Republican politicians and pundits has been mounting on Obama’s administration to do something to make it look like they are doing something so that the media, politicians, and pundits can criticize whatever it is they are doing and ask why they are not doing something else. For example, Sean Hannity has been critical of Obama’s handling of the oil leak, although it must be said that Sean Hannity has been known to be critical of Obama’s choice of socks for state dinners. The Fox News host has been asking about a reported intelligence memo that BP was planning to spill oil into the Gulf of Mexico, which was ignored by the administration. Hannity claims his source is unimpeachable and is the same source that broke the Michelle Obama “Whitey tape” story during the campaign.

As Member of the Press, Palin Barred From Own Speaking Engagement

Editor's Note: I decided that nothing I could make up would be funnier than the truth.

When news broke that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was signing up to be a contributor on Fox News, nobody was surprised. Over the summer, when Palin abruptly quit her position as Alaska's top executive, the consensus was that she would end up joining the cable network's stable of talking heads. The only question people had was how long it would be before she decided to pass the ball to another person and advance her career in a different direction.

[caption id="attachment_665" align="alignright" width="202" caption="But she's so pretty!"][/caption]

However, Palin's decision to join Fox News has raised an interesting dilemma. After the media ridiculed Palin during the last Presidential election, she decided to take steps to prevent a reoccurrence. Most people, when faced with such a task, would take time to disappear from the spotlight, while working hard to cultivate a base of knowledge that would allow them to answer difficult questions, such as those covering world geography, political history, or reading habits.

Ever the maverick, Palin decided to take a different path down the old free-throw line: She decided to simply bar the press from her speeches. Sure, it might look like the decision was to keep the press from reporting on her continued lack of understanding of basic policy issues, but at least they could still view the guest writers' pieces on her Facebook page.

Therefore, as a newly minted member of the press, Sarah Palin has barred herself from her own speaking engagements, forcing herself to choose between her stated position and a reported $75,000 speaking fee. Based on past decisions, it seems like she will just choose both and get upset when someone points out her hypocrisy.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #3. Sarah Palin

3. Sarah Palin – Ah, the only question regarding Mrs. Palin was what spot she would take up on the list. She is truly a remarkable person, as many people whom I consider intelligent have tried to convince me that she really is smart and the media is out to get her. You see the problem that I have with believing that is that I have this thing called a memory, and I can recall prior events and incorporate them into my understanding of current events. Take for instance the infamous Katie Couric interview, which for many was the first major clue that there was something seriously wrong with Palin as a Vice-Presidential candidate. Some gave her the benefit of the doubt in the Charles Gibson interview, in which she could not comment coherently on the Bush Doctrine. I am far from a political expert, but I knew exactly to what Gibson was referring, simply by reading several political articles each day from a variety of viewpoints. Political white knights sprang to her rescue, arguing that there were several Bush Doctrines, and pretending that if they were asked the same question, they would answer with the same level of incompetence.

Sarah Palin Hopes to Use Book's Success to Jump-Start 2010 Presidential Bid

Sarah Palin's new memoir "Going Rogue: An American Life" has been flying off the bookshelves and into warehouses where conservative magazines are storing them for use as promotions to sell subscriptions. Hate her, love her, or hate her, she is everywhere. Newsweek even has her on her cover, using a photo Palin posed for by Runner's World magazine, in which the former Alaskan governor showed that the American flag, in addition to being a symbol of freedom that should never be desecrated, also makes a lovely slip cover for a chair.

[caption id="attachment_545" align="alignright" width="300" caption="2010, here I come!"][/caption]

Whenever Palin is brought from the media backburner to the forefront, fact checkers are close behind. Many have charged, and shown compelling evidence, that she has a casual relation with the truth, which provides the best reason yet to take her seriously as an actual politician. Her new book contains explanation of events which run completely counter to the narrative or narratives she gave during the Presidential campaign. For example, during the campaign, Palin touted America's alliance with Eastasia in our war against Eurasia. In the book, Palin writes, "God bless those Eurasians, we've always been at war with Eastasia, yet they keep plugging along!"

After coming so close to becoming America's Vice President, Palin is hinting that she is planning on running for President in 2010, although the next presidential election isn't until 2012.

Palin isn't wavering. "Ya know, people have been telling me all my life that I can't do something. Now they're saying, Sarah, you can't run for President in 2010, it's impossible. I think that if I just keep my nose to that powder keg and wait for God to open that door, I'll be able to bust on through when it does."

Debut Single - My Grandma Got Put Down By Obama

For all 3 of you who were waiting for this, here ya go!  The anthem of the teabaggers.

http://jimmywellington.com/obamasong2.mp3

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Yes, Sarah Palin tried to save us

With a nod, a smile and wink

But thanks toCharlie’s gotcha questions

Her career in politics is on the brink

With help from her friends Rush and Glenn Beck
She’s telling us just how we were deceived
She can see through facts and logic
To tell Real America what to believe

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

This is not the country I know
I thought we all were meant to get our say
Our Founding Fathers must be wond’ring
Since when’s Hawaii a state anyway?

We aired our grievances at town halls
Called our representative a whore
We wouldn’t listen to their answers
We just shouted shouted ’til we passed out on the floor

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

We all should have seen this coming
But Obama’s halo blinded us
We all wanted hope and change
Instead my dear Grandma was turned to dust

It’s not Christmas without Grandma.
In fact we can’t say “Christmas” anymore
Please find a hiding place for Grandpa
Obama’s jackboot thugs are at the door

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

But as for Michelle Bachmann, she believes.

But as for Sarah Palin, she believes.

Song Parody: My Grandma Got Put Down By Obama

(to the tune of "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer")

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can't believe that we were so naive
You say there's no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

[caption id="attachment_211" align="alignright" width="259" caption="Save Granny!"][/caption]

Yes, Sarah Palin tried to save us
With a nod, a smile and wink
But thanks toCharlie's gotcha questions
Her career in politics is on the brink

With help from her friends Rush and Glenn Beck
She's telling us just how we were deceived
She can see through facts and logic
To tell Real America what to believe

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can't believe that we were so naive
You say there's no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Palin Book Titles

We know it's coming, but what will it be called?

My pick is "As I Say, Lying."  What do you think?

What If Sarah Palin Gave The Gettysburg Address?

After Gov. Palin's rambling, incoherent resignation speech, I began to wonder what it would have been like if she had given famous speeches throughout history. Here's Part One: Gettysburg.

Hi Gettysburg. About eighty some odd years ago in the past, those brave forefathers of ours gave a precious gift to US. They gave (to us!) this amazing country of ours that we live and reside in, founded in God's LIBERTY!! And also, it's dedicated to the fact that all of us are created by God, who is so amazing, to be the same.