God Blames Tsunami on Pat Robertson, Fred Phelps

As the estimated deaths for the Japanese tsunami continue to climb and fears of nuclear meltdown escalate, many are looking to the sky and asking, “Why God? Why did you do this?” Apparently, God hates Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson.

[caption id="attachment_792" align="alignright" width="215" caption=""I didn't know there were fags in Japan""][/caption]

“I had received intelligence that suggested that Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson were meeting in Japan to discuss combining forces,” said God. “They decided that they could more effectively hate people different from them if they worked together. Frankly, I got sick and tired of always being blamed for everything bad that happens on Earth.”

God said that he got the idea of a “decapitation strike” in the last decade.

“Hey, occasionally man has a really great idea,” God said with a shrug. “Just like the dyslexics say: You can teach an old God new tricks.”

Fred Phelps leads the widely maligned Westboro Baptist Church, which is a church in the same way Old Navy is a nautical store. Whenever tragic deaths occurs, Fred Phelps and his “congregation” show up to protest outside. They carry signs with Christian slogans like “God Hates Fags.”

“Do I hate fags? Not at all, and I wish you would not use that word,” God said. “I’ll tell you who I do hate. Fred Phelps. I have half a mind to picket his funeral.”

Pat Robertson is on God’s bad side as well. The Almighty is none too pleased with this “Christian” leader blaming events such as the Haitian earthquake and the Indonesian tsunami on certain segments of the population for living immorally.

“Why does everyone think I cause this stuff?” said God. “Take a look at your supernatural deities. Me in one corner, Satan in the other. How does that guy always get overlooked?”

God acknowledges that he “was known to smite a few people here and there back in the day,” but he’s given up his vengeful ways and has turned to a strategy of non-violence to make his presence known.

“Man, I got George W. Bush elected, and you guys still can’t figure out that war is not a good option? I’ve been putting bugs in Sarah Palin’s ear, and believe you me, you better learn before 2012.”

God says that he hasn’t been personally involved in human suffering for several centuries.

“Man, those revolutions were a lot of fun, but I hung up the old interfering after that. People say I caused 9/11? Man, you need to take the elevator down a few thousand floors to ask the guy responsible, if you catch my drift.”

“Plus,” God added. “Everyone with half a brain knows the Jews were behind 9/11.”