[caption id="attachment_782" align="alignright" width="233" caption="I wrote it down for you. It's right there! "]
[/caption]“What part of neither the day, nor the hour of my second coming is so hard to get?” said Jesus Christ, as he ripped up another calendar. “It’s right there. If you miss it in Matthew, keep reading, cause it’s in Mark too! I mean Me-dammit!”
According to the Bible, humans are not able to predict the day or time of the Rapture, an eagerly awaited event by evangelical Christians. On this day, believers in Christ will be raptured—taken—from Earth to begin their eternal life with their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
This event has been eagerly awaited since Christ was crucified over two thousand years ago. According to the story, he came back to life after three days and ascended into heaven after promising to return.
He must, however, time his return for a date which nobody can guess, according to Matthew 25:13 – “Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.”
“First I was going to come back in 1988, but some guy figured it out and started selling books,” said Christ. “He even had 88 reasons. Of course he was right, but once he guessed it, I had to reschedule. It’s like the book Catch-22: Once someone guesses it, it’s no longer right.”
The Rapture has been talked about in pop culture for many years, most recently in the Left Behind book series, which spawned movies featuring Kirk Cameron. "People want miracles," said Christ. "Kirk Cameron getting acting work? What do you want, fiery words in the sky?"
Christ’s most recent arrival delay was in February 2004. He was all set to depart heaven when Justin Timberlake exposed Janet Jackson’s nipple on live television during the Super Bowl halftime show.
“I’m not going to try to follow a nipple,” said Christ. “FOX News already had their outrage planned for at least 3 days. I’m not going to set myself up to be second lead.”
Over the years Christ has delayed his second coming for other reasons, as The Fake News covered before.
“People die, times change, I can wait as long as I have to,” Christ said with a laugh. “They’re waiting on me, not the other way around. Once they figure it out and stop guessing, I’ll be down there in no time.”
The Fake News couldn’t resist asking the Son of God about his next planned arrival date.
“You know those Mayans, they were smart people, even if they are burning in hell for all eternity,” Christ said with a wink. He thought for a moment. “Shit. You got me.”
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