Matt Cooke Inspiring Asshole Kids

Even before the NHL handed him a long suspension—the rest of the regular season and first round of the playoffs—Matt Cooke has taken great strides this season to increase his appeal to asshole kids throughout the US and Canada.

[caption id="attachment_795" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Matt Cooke in a rare action shot where he is not trying to end a player's career"][/caption]

“I remember when my dad first took me to a Penguins game,” said 13 year old asshole Geoff Lawrence. “He told me how great Sidney Crosby and Alexei Malkin were, but when I saw Matt Cooke sucker punch a player, I knew whose jersey I wanted.”

For his part, Cooke acknowledges that he is just the latest in a long line of asshole NHL players.

“I used to be so jealous of Sean Avery,” Cooke says. “I mean, that guy could be a douchebag both in and out of the arena. It’s tough enough to be an asshole on the ice; it’s another thing to take that talent outside the arena.”

Lawrence beams when he tells about the time he met his idol.

“I waited outside for the team bus,” said Lawrence. “ I yelled his name and was totally surprised when he looked my way. I asked him to throw me a jersey. He did even better. He threw an elbow. I still have the three teeth he knocked out.”

Lawrence is on track to join his idol as an NHL asshole.

“One time I saw Geoff spear a player in the ribs,” Rick Lawrence, Geoff’s father, said. “Most players don’t think to wait for the referee to look away, but Geoff just has that natural talent.”

With his latest suspension, Cooke joins a select group of players, like Chris Simon, who mistook Nassau Coliseum for Yankee Stadium and took a baseball-style swing to the throat of New York Rangers asshole Ryan Hollweg, who have been suspended for over ten games at a time.

“I was just trying to adjust his chinstrap,” Simon explained. “You know what it’s like…so hard to use your fingers with those gloves on...takes too long to take them off…”