Can’t Wait Until 6PM? Pay Extra to get Velociraptured

With scores of people waiting patiently to ascend to heaven tomorrow and millions making fun of them, most rapture-ready Christians just want to get it over with.

[caption id="attachment_833" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Why wasn't it mentioned in the Bible that Jesus was as big as Godzilla?"][/caption]

“Enough already with the waiting,” said Jill Grody. “I’m glad to be one of the 3% who will be saying ‘I told you so’ as I meet Jesus in the clouds.”

Harold Camping says that the rapture will occur at 6 pm local time for all people, which raises several interesting questions.

For example, what happens if someone is on a flight heading East and crosses a time zone just as the clock strikes 6? Did they miss their chance to be spared the Tribulation? Good news if the pilots are God-fearing, but bad news for everyone else.

Camping anticipated these questions and is starting a special prayer club that will allow his followers to be raptured early.

“Well, it costs $69.99, but you get access into our Velociraptured Club, saving you time and hassle on your way to heaven,” said Camping.

Website eDiot Cashes in on Rapture Believers

Harold Camping predicts that Christians will be raptured on Saturday, May 21, while the sinful will remain on Earth suffering. While some believe Camping’s prophecy to be true, others are ridiculing him, and one enterprising man is looking to make a little cash.

[caption id="attachment_827" align="alignright" width="300" caption="I swear, this time is really it"][/caption]

Bam Dackson has started eDiot.com, a website that allows believers to sell their possessions to non-believers, giving them money to use before the rapture.

“Why would I need my house after I go to see Jesus?” said Johnny Gladwell. “Just think of what good I could do with a few thousand dollars?”

Dackson says that sales have been a bit disappointing.

“Where is these people’s faith?” said Dackson. “If they were so sure, they would jump at this opportunity.”

Camping says that the creation of eDiot.com provides more evidence for his prediction.

“There is a verse in the Bible,” Camping says, “that, when translated into Klingon and back to English, says, ‘And the smart will make money off the gullible, and the Lions will win the Super Bowl.’ So, whatever happens, at least Detroit will be happy.”