[caption id="attachment_833" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Why wasn't it mentioned in the Bible that Jesus was as big as Godzilla?"]
[/caption]“Enough already with the waiting,” said Jill Grody. “I’m glad to be one of the 3% who will be saying ‘I told you so’ as I meet Jesus in the clouds.”
Harold Camping says that the rapture will occur at 6 pm local time for all people, which raises several interesting questions.
For example, what happens if someone is on a flight heading East and crosses a time zone just as the clock strikes 6? Did they miss their chance to be spared the Tribulation? Good news if the pilots are God-fearing, but bad news for everyone else.
Camping anticipated these questions and is starting a special prayer club that will allow his followers to be raptured early.
“Well, it costs $69.99, but you get access into our Velociraptured Club, saving you time and hassle on your way to heaven,” said Camping.
The fee is non-refundable, because otherwise it would be a sign of lack of faith, which would then disqualify the person from the equivalent of the 10-Items-or-Less line at Judgment Day.
Camping still hasn’t satisfactorily answered how it can be fair that people on the West Coast have three more hours to repent than their East Coast counterparts.
Ryan Schwinn plans to just watch CNN to see if people in New York are flying naked into the clouds. “I figure they’d probably cover it. Maybe not, are any British Royals planning on getting married?”
Campus Irony Clubs at colleges throughout the nation are planning to play Weather Girls’ classic song “It’s Raining Men,” at 6pm tomorrow.
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