Invest: Start Smoking!

Written by Randall Kensington

With the dismal recent performance of major stock markets and spiraling property costs, Scott Albertson is trying a radical new form of investment -- smoking.

Albertson holds up a recent copy of USA Today which reads "Philip Morris Hit With $28 Billion Punitive-Damage Verdict." "Wow," says Albertson, "and that was just for one old woman. That's way better than the lotto." Yup, you guessed it, Scott Albertson is a wanna-be tobacco industry lawsuit filer. "The way I figure it", says Albertson, 28, as he deeply inhales 4 unfiltered cigarettes, "I've got 10, 20, maybe 30 year of [investment smoking] before I go. I'll spend somewhere between $50,000 and $100,000 on cigarettes, but once I get lung cancer I'll be able to sue for hundreds of billions."

Albertson doesn't plan on seeing any of that money; he plans on using the cash settlement for college for his two young sons and for buying his wife Wilma "a real big house and some new breasts." "I'm so proud of him," says Wilma, confiding in me, "Scotty may not be the brightest bulb but he seems to really have this one worked out. I'll sure be glad when that free money starts rolling in."

And he's not the only one. Sylvia X also began smoking recently because of the headline and the lure of billions. "Look, it's more expensive than alcholism, but the potential long-term cash benefits are enormous. The stock market sucks, interest rates suck and the odds of winning lotto are shit. Smoking is a viable long-term investment."

The medical community does not take the issue of suicide smoking lightly. "I'm appalled", says Dr. Deepdish Sanji. "If these people are working on getting cancer, they'll probably ignore their other health problems as well. Translation: Fewer doctor visits, and fewer Mercedes for Dr. Sanji."

Rumor has it that the tobacco industry has embraced such behavior -- and that major tobacco companies are planning a new ad campaign entitled "Invest -- Start Smoking" coupled with a new line of unfiltered, extra-wide, extra-long, extra-addictive "flavor" cigarettes. Tobacco industry bigwigs could not be reached for comment, but Marlboro's spokesperson did comment "Hey, anything that gets people smoking..."

Nicorette Gum Now Features Flavor Crystals

In an effort to boost lagging sales, the nicotine replacement product Nicorette Gum announced that the gum will now feature flavor crystals. The idea was originally debuted to rave reviews in the popular chewing gum Icebreakers.

The announcement is being seen as a “fucking great idea” by millions of Americans that are trying to quit smoking. Local quitter Sandra Billus tells us: “Wow, that’s so cool! Now I can not only get that nicotine rush that I crave, but I can probably simulate that feeling of waking up in the morning feeling like a dog shit in my mouth!”

Keith Chadwick, a gas station attendant, has been trying to quit unsuccessfully since the Carter administration. Having tried the patch and the pill, he says that maybe this will provide the extra boost that he needs to quit for good. “I quit for a couple days with the pill, but I couldn’t avoid the temptation for very long. Then I tried the patch, and it was kinda effective, but when you smoke three packs a day, you need a lot of stuff to supplant that craving. It got so bad that I was licking the patches when I changed them, just to get that last little drop of sweet cancerous goodness. I think Nicorette has realized that some of us hard core smokers just need a shit ton of nicotine to get us through the tough first few days without committing mass murder.”

High school students are purchasing the gum, in an attempt to rebel without being too obvious about it. High school junior Jesse Kinner explains, “Billy’s dad saw him smoking and grounded him for 2 weeks or some lame shit. I still want the girls to see me as dangerous, but fuck getting grounded.”

In a telephone survey, it was determined that nearly 95% of people that currently smoke are “trying to quit” or “want to quit eventually”. The other 5% (all under the age of 17) think “it’s the coolest thing ever” and “all the kids are doing it”.