Billion Dollar Study: Sex Leading Cause Of Pregnancy

Scientists at the Federal Department of Wasting Taxpayer Money released the findings of a year long, billion dollar study on human pregnancy. According to the results of the study, if a human being wants to get pregnant, good old fashioned sexual intercourse is the way to do it. The chance of becoming pregnant is exponentially higher if the person wishing to become pregnant is a female, according to the study.

Lead scientist Dr. Jarin Killikippi is excited about the findings: “This study represents a bold step forward in scientific research, namely that we can get a grant for just about anything! Who knows how much more money we can waste on pointless research?”

The Senate Oversight Committee is being asked to investigate the fund allocation for the pregnancy study. The scientists insist that it’s just a coincidence that they all recently bought large beach houses and sports cars. “That is insulting to us as professionals, and as human beings,” says Killikippi. “We double checked our financial numbers to make sure that the required 2% of the budget allocated went to the research itself.”

The complete findings of the study can be viewed at the departments website, www.fdwtm.gov, for a fee of $25 per minute of viewing time. According to the study, throughout history 99.96 percent of all human pregnancies have occurred in females who have had sexual intercourse in the last year. .003999999% of pregnancies occurred by the recent method of in vitro fertilization with .0000000000000000000000000001% of pregnancies coming by immaculate conception of the Holy Spirit. The only case of male pregnancy in humans was reported by an Austrain bodybuilder.

The team of scientists are busy deciding what their next study is going to be. Early ideas are; “Tomato: Fruit or Vegetable?”, “Dogs: Man’s Best Friend?”, or “Understanding Women.” However, odds are the third study will not be conducted, as the budget would reportedly be around $500B, with a timetable of several decades, and the chance that an answer may never be reached.