Couple Finds Profanity To Be Useful Argument Tool

Ed and Kathleen Thomas are just like many other couples. They are in love, they have a young daughter and a pet dog. Also, just like almost any other couple, they have their share of disagreements. Luckily for Ed and Kathleen, they recently stumbled upon the idea of incorporating profanity into their arguing repertoire to illustrate how strongly they feel about a certain point. Ed explains:

“It’s not like we’re really mad at each other. Well sometimes we are, but we always make up. For a while, I had to attempt to make my point over and over because I wasn’t being forceful enough. Now, when I say ‘Shut the fuck up, bitch. I’m trying to say something here for fuck’s sake’ I know that I have her complete attention. Sometimes I have to dodge plates though.”

Kathleen has found profanity to be her most important weapon in the battle to inform Ed about the way she feels about certain subjects, such as his drinking out of the milk carton, or leaving his copy of “Anal Avenger 4” in the VCR where their daughter might mistake it for a new Barney tape.

“I used to use different techniques, such as withholding sexual activity or employing the silent treatment when he pissed me off, but now I just let loose with gross vulgarity. It saves a lot of time and helps us understand exactly how the other person feels. Imagine trying to explain a point such as: ‘Goddamit Ed! General fucking Hospital is on TV right now, and I have a fucking headache the size of your ass, so stop trying to fuck me!’ without using foul language. You can’t do it, can you? I didn’t fucking think so.”

The couple has taken to hanging out down at the mall near local youth to try to learn the latest in vulgar language. According to Ed, it’s difficult to keep abreast of the ever-changing slang profanities. “Sometimes these kids will call each other things that I’ve never heard of, although I’m always excited to find out what words like choad mean. I just have to be careful who I use this technique around. My boss didn’t very much like it when I told him to go blow a donkey the other day. I’m sure I’ll find a new job soon though.”