Man Has Sex For More Than 30 Seconds, Girlfriend Amazed

Last night Bill Jenkis and his girlfriend had sex. That in itself wouldn't be newsworthy, however the act lasted for almost 45 seconds, shattering his former endurance record by 20 seconds. His girlfriend Sally couldn't believe what happened: "It was really unusual, I actually had this warm sensation that felt really good. At first I thought something was wrong, cause that had never happened before, but then I realized that it was what all my girlfriends were telling me about. Maybe this sex thing has something to it after all."

Afterwards Bill was bragging to all his friends about his accomplishment. Best friend Luke agreed to talk to us about the event. "So he comes walking into my room with this huge smile on his face, and he tells me that he thinks he gave Sally an orgasm. I was like 'Dude, once you can make it last longer than one commercial break, then come talk to me.' He's been walking around like he's the shit now, I don't have the heart to tell him that his stamina is really pathetic."

Bill actually called us and leaked the story, forced us to interview him, and blabbed all about his conquest. "Man, it was awesome! I knew that it was going to be a special night when I didn't feel like I was going to shoot before I even got it out of my pants. People make fun of me for that one time I experienced premature ejaculation, but that's totally normal. It was in that movie with the kid that banged the pie, remember? And he's a totally huge movie star, so if it can happen to him, why should I be ashamed that it happened to me?"

According to sources, the longevity of the intercourse last night was due to a series of actions taken by Sally in the vain hopes of experiencing the same pleasure that Bill apparently accomplished each time they had bumped uglies in the past. "I made him wear two condoms so he wouldn't be so sensitive. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I told him that I just wanted to be extra careful, so he doesn't knock me up. That's just what I need to bring into this world, right? Another small dicked kid that can't hold his own for over a minute." She also left the television on, tuned to SportsCenter, so Bill could concentrate on something else. In the future, she plans to lengthen the process by spraying Chloroseptic on his penis, to further dull the sensation.