The announcement Monday that Private Media, Inc. – a pornography company – has offered to purchase the Napster name and web site address for a reported 3 million dollars has had a whirlwind effect on the worlds pornography consumers.
The company apparently plans to use the notoriety of the Napster brand name, as well as a web address that practically every internet user from teenagers to thirty-somethings have hard wired into their internet browsers. According to experts, the Napster name is as recognizable as “Yahoo”, “Google”, and “Horny College Barely Legal Freshman Get Nekkid”.
Napster was extremely popular for providing a central location where internet users could exchange music files with each other. The only drawback was that the users didn’t actually pay for the material, which the music industry argued violated copyright laws and robbed their artists of royalties, which forced several artists such as Metallica to forego lining their tour busses with solid gold. The heavy metal band was instead forced to go with cheaper silver lining, which though still ostentatious, didn’t really achieve the whole “we have way more money than you” motif the band was going for.
In an amazing display of irony, Sean “Puff Daddy Diddy Do” Combs spoke out against Napster stealing royalties. Mr. Combs has been know in the past to “sample” (steal) older songs, only to ruin them by rapping over the music. Several years ago, a group of rabid Led Zeppelin fans attempted to kill Combs, allegedly for forever tainting the song “Kashmir”.
Online porn connoisseurs are extremely excited about this possible new breakthrough in pornography sharing. One college student agreed to speak with us, on the condition that we not mention his name or university: “Well first of all, my name is Jared Ocampo from the University of Tennesee, could you please not write that, my parents might read this. Anyway, this will revolutionize the porn finding process in a degree that people can’t even fathom now. With it being so much easier to share high quality adult pictures and celebrity fakes, I’ll have so much more time on my hands. I guess I’ll probably masturbate more, maybe increasing my average to 15 times a day.”
Private Media Inc. will take no responsibility for young teenage girls attempting to find the latest Britney Spears song on www.napster.com, only to be visually assaulted by lewd acts. The company explains, saying “Britney Spears, Porn, What’s the difference?” In an unrelated add-on, Private Media Inc. expects to add Ms. Spears to their list of “actresses” in “oh…about 3 months.”
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