Congress proposes “Sanctity of Gun Life” law

A Glock handgun lies on a hardwood floor, its black matte finish speckled with crimson. A somber crime scene investigator carefully picks it up and places it into a plastic bag marked “EVIDENCE.”  The soldier to whom the gun belonged is placed into his own bag, the ragged sound of the zipper being pulled up bringing a harsh sense of finality to the room, where in the corner his girlfriend sits, in too much shock to cry.

The soldier, who suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder, is taken away by the coroner. But what happens to the gun? It was an unwilling participant in this suburban tragedy, like the seventeenth pill in a bottle or a length of rope.

If Congress has its way, this gun will not remain homeless, its new plastic home lining a shelf in some evidence warehouse. It will certainly not face the gun death penalty, destruction after a family member of the deceased does not want to give it a good home.

No, this gun will be able to find a second life, protecting its new owner.

“When a gun is created, we believe that it deserves protection from the moment that gun’s manufacturing process begins,” said bill co-sponsor Steve King (R-IA). “From the moment the material hits the mold, that is a life, afforded all due protections under the law.”

Another of the bill’s co-sponsors thinks the law is a natural extension of Biblical principles.

“In the Bible, Jesus said to turn the other cheek,” said Michelle Bachmann (R-MN). “He also said that an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. If we retaliate against these innocent guns, who did nothing but work the way they were created, we are just as guilty of destruction as the person who pulled the trigger.”

Your Primer for the 2nd Presidential Debate

Tonight, two candidates chosen by millionaires will meet at Hofstra University in an attempt to convince undecided voters to choose them on November 6th. As a valuable public service, here is a primer on what to expect.

Barack Obama:

- Following Joe Biden's successful turn in the debate spotlight, the President will attempt to steal some of that "Biden magic" by wearing Biden's dentures.

- The President will wait until after the debate to take his Ambien.

- Obama is taking a page from Romney's book and has been practicing some "zingers." These include: "That might fly on Planet Kolob, but on Earth we rely on facts." "Bipartisanship is not when you promise both sides what they want." and "I told my daughter Malia about your job plan. Oh, how she laughed."

Mitt Romney

- Expect Romney to announce he is now running as a Democrat.

- Will give thanks to his favorite god, Janus, in his opening statement.

- In an attempt to avoid looking like he is rude, will say "excuse me" while talking over the moderator.

Why isn't "conservative comedy" funny?

With rare exception (I despise Rush Limbaugh as a person, but some of the parody songs he plays on his show are hilarious), "Conservative comedy" just isn't funny. I think I've figured out why, so here goes.

Ultimately, comedy is based in truth. Comedians see the truth in a way that "normal" people don't. Comedy reveals the underlying truth to people, helping them to accept it by making it funny. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, if you will. Carlin, Hicks, Louis CK, these people expose the dark underbelly of society in a way that is uncomfortable, which is why they need to make it funny. They're not lecturing us, they're letting us in on the secret, making the implicit explicit.

Today's conservative movement is deluded. By conservative movement, I mean the modern GOP, not individual conservatives, many of whom disagree with today's GOP. Look at the number of bald-faced lies made in RNC convention speeches. Several cases can be made for showing Obama the door (although I think they are all invalid if the replacement is the current GOP). If actual arguments exist for their side, why does the GOP continue to invent arguments?

I have theories, but I'll save them for another time.

The reason "conservative comedy" doesn't work is because it's not based on the truth. Hurr Hurr Teleprompter! Any reasonably intelligent person who thinks about a teleprompter joke for a moment sees the lie. Would someone who relies on a teleprompter do well at a debate? Oh, he wouldn't? Then how come Obama outperformed McCain at the debates? Oh...it's bullshit, isn't it?

So, if you want to know why conservative comedy doesn't work, remember that last week, a national party built a convention on an out-of-context statement that anyone with half a brain can see through. A convention built on lies? Congratulations, Republicans. You DID build that.

RNC or Expendables 2?

Newt Gingrich Threatens to Leave Race Unless America Agrees to Open Presidency

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After Rush Limbaugh calls America "sick," Newt Gingrich begins looking for other presidencies.

South Carolina -

A presidential primary becoming known for its galvanic swings of support behind each candidate took another turn today, as news broke that Newt Gingrich, now considered a possible genuine threat to a Mitt Romney nomination, is quietly looking into running for the presidency of other countries.

The reports followed a diatribe by popular radio host Rush Limbaugh, who said, “This country is sick. President Obama, if that is his real name, has been systematically destroying this country. I wouldn’t be surprised if it has a few years left to live, if that.”

While this news may surprise some, those who have been following the news about Mr. Gingrich’s private life have been expecting it.

In 1981 Mr. Gingrich divorced his first wife after she was diagnosed with cancer. In 2000, he divorced his second wife, who had recently been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

“After hearing Limbaugh’s comments, Newt began asking other countries if they were interested in him being their president,” said a Gingrich campaign official, speaking anonymously. “He’s been running Mexico on a trial basis, but he wants to wait for a commitment from them before dropping out of the US race.”

Obama Changes “Debt Ceiling” to “Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level”

After another day of discussions to increase the debt ceiling and avoid the United States from defaulting on its debt obligation for the first time in its history, President Obama decided that he would have to “break out the big guns.”

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“They say that you should learn from your enemies,” said Mr. Obama. “I realized that I needed to stop trying to convince the Republicans to do what was best for the country and start framing the discussion so that we could attack the GOP during the next elections cycle.”

“I used to think that acting in the best interest of our nation’s citizens was the goal,” he continued. “Thankfully, I realized that winning political points comes before paying our fucking bills.”

In order to achieve his new goal, the president has decided to simply rename the “debt ceiling” to the more politically helpful “Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level.”

“If you don’t act like goddamned grownups,” he warned, “We will run ad after ad in 2012 that says you refused to increase the Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to explain how I voted against that.”

While he’s renaming things, Mr. Obama announced that “ObamaCare” will be renamed “FreedomCare,” “Immigration Reform” will be renamed “The Sanctity of Marriage Act,” and “Taxing the Rich” will be called “Justice for Caylee Anthony.”

“Have you seen Facebook?” Obama said. “Vote against the ‘Justice for Caylee Anthony Act.’ I dare you.”

Obama Swims Out to Oil Leak, GOP Criticizes Stroke

As more oil continues to spew into the Gulf of Mexico, pressure has mounted on President Obama to respond more boldly to the disaster. After being criticized for his supposed lack of response to the oil leak, yesterday the President said, “I don't sit around just talking to experts because this is a college seminar, we talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick."  This show of anger would have worked very well last week, when Republicans were complaining about non-emotional response to the leak, but his statement played into this week’s message: “The President is too angry.” The theme started shortly after Obama made this statement.

[caption id="attachment_722" align="alignright" width="289" caption="For some reason, he walked backwards into the water"][/caption]

After hearing the early response to his statement, Obama reportedly lost his cool, saying, “Well, if it’s action they want, it’s action they’ll get!” Shortly after, he stripped down into a bathing suit, which kept the story from being broken for some time, since websites like TMZ were too busy bringing fashion experts in to critique Obama’s bathing suit (which one of them called “Air Force Three,” in an apparent nod to the President’s endowment) to ask any questions about just why he was in a bathing suit.

The President swam from the shore all the way to the site of the oil leak, a distance of approximately 40 miles. Along the way, he changed strokes several times, often relying on the backstroke, which Congressman John Boehner (R-Orange) later criticized as indicating he didn’t take the swim seriously.

The Fake News Makes the Real News

So, I've had a few days off to mess around the apartment. While doing so, I discovered the greatest new site on the internet: http://www.americaspeakingout.com. The Republicans, apparently knowing nothing about the internet, thought it would be a great idea to pretend to listen to the people. Everyone else knew it was a great opportunity to have some fun. So, I created an account and went to work. It was difficult because of the horrible design of the site; it literally takes at least a minute for each page to load, sometimes longer. However, one of my posts ended up making it into the Washington Post story on the trouble with the website. Here's the relevant section:

But Republicans might want to take a hard look at the suggestion that "we need to reframe the discussion" about the BP oil spill to counteract the "environmental whackos" worried about wildlife. Republicans, this person proposed, should argue that "BP is creating a new race of faster dolphins. These fish are unable to compete against the fish of other countries, but now their increased lubrication will allow them to fly through the water. Faster fish = good."

In case you're curious, here is my full post:

We need to reframe debates so that we look better. So many people are making a big deal out the oil spill, and these environmental whackos are all aflutter about the birds and fish. We need to reframe the discussion. Two solutions: The oil spill is producing clean energy. The libs are always screaming about how dirty our energy is. BP is trying out a new technique - washing the oil before refining it. How can washing something be bad? Second solution: BP is creating a new race of faster dolphins. These fish are unable to compete against the fish of other countries, but now their increased lubrication will allow them to fly through the water. Faster fish = good.

GOP Interns Host "Bring Your Own Strawman" Party

GOP Interns, tired of not having any plans on Friday nights, decided to take matters into their own hands this past weekend and hosted their own party, which, by all accounts, was "off the hook." Party planners argued vehemently about the topic of alcohol. Some believed strongly that alcohol should be provided, while others warned of the universal dangers of alcohol, such as ending up in airport bathrooms with undercover police officers.

[caption id="attachment_572" align="alignright" width="300" caption="You down with GOP, yeah you know me!"][/caption]

The planners settled on keeping the party dry, but allowing attendees to bring their own strawmen. Out of fashion for some time, strawmen have found a resurgence with the modern Republican party, and are frequently found on most Fox News programs, as well as on talk radio. Strawmen were considered very popular in the American South for some time, although their flammable nature made them a liability at cross-burnings.