President Obama Announces Regime Change For Exxon

Prior to President Obama addressing the nation from the Oval Office at 8PM EDT on Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced a bold step in the Gulf oil leak saga: The United States government is seizing all assets owned by the Exxon corporation and investigating all top-level employees.

[caption id="attachment_728" align="alignright" width="300" caption="It's just a matter of time until Exxon strikes again. Can we take that chance?"][/caption]

“Believe me, we are not taking our eye off of BP, but intelligence analysis shows that Exxon poses a clear and present danger to our nation’s waterways,” said Gibbs. “They’ve shown a propensity to leak oil into America’s waters, and we feel it necessary to stop them before they do it again. We don’t want the smoking gun to be an oil plume.”

This bold move comes after pressure from the media and Republican politicians and pundits has been mounting on Obama’s administration to do something to make it look like they are doing something so that the media, politicians, and pundits can criticize whatever it is they are doing and ask why they are not doing something else. For example, Sean Hannity has been critical of Obama’s handling of the oil leak, although it must be said that Sean Hannity has been known to be critical of Obama’s choice of socks for state dinners. The Fox News host has been asking about a reported intelligence memo that BP was planning to spill oil into the Gulf of Mexico, which was ignored by the administration. Hannity claims his source is unimpeachable and is the same source that broke the Michelle Obama “Whitey tape” story during the campaign.

Obama Swims Out to Oil Leak, GOP Criticizes Stroke

As more oil continues to spew into the Gulf of Mexico, pressure has mounted on President Obama to respond more boldly to the disaster. After being criticized for his supposed lack of response to the oil leak, yesterday the President said, “I don't sit around just talking to experts because this is a college seminar, we talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick."  This show of anger would have worked very well last week, when Republicans were complaining about non-emotional response to the leak, but his statement played into this week’s message: “The President is too angry.” The theme started shortly after Obama made this statement.

[caption id="attachment_722" align="alignright" width="289" caption="For some reason, he walked backwards into the water"][/caption]

After hearing the early response to his statement, Obama reportedly lost his cool, saying, “Well, if it’s action they want, it’s action they’ll get!” Shortly after, he stripped down into a bathing suit, which kept the story from being broken for some time, since websites like TMZ were too busy bringing fashion experts in to critique Obama’s bathing suit (which one of them called “Air Force Three,” in an apparent nod to the President’s endowment) to ask any questions about just why he was in a bathing suit.

The President swam from the shore all the way to the site of the oil leak, a distance of approximately 40 miles. Along the way, he changed strokes several times, often relying on the backstroke, which Congressman John Boehner (R-Orange) later criticized as indicating he didn’t take the swim seriously.