Jerry Falwell: "Masturbation Is Murder"

In a news conference Monday, noted religious leader Jerry Falwell proclaimed that the act of masturbation violates the 6th Commandment, “Thou shalt not kill”. In his prepared statement, the Reverend Falwell declared: “Every time a person ejaculates from masturbation, millions of sperm cells are released, each one representing a possible human life. Hence, one act of self gratification is the equivalent of over a million counts of murder!” After making his statement, Rev. Falwell opened the floor to questions from the gathered throng of reporters. Here is an excerpt:

Jerry Miller: New York Times – “Rev. Falwell, does this statement hold true to females that masturbate?

Rev. Falwell – “It is my understanding that women do not masturbate. Now I cannot say that I have knowledge of the female ‘naughty region’, as I call it, so I’m not qualified to answer your question, but I will anyway. It is murder!

Jim Lewis: San Francisco Examiner – “So can you honestly say that you’ve never masturbated?”

Rev. Falwell – “Before I heard the call of the Lord, I did indulge in this sinful and impure act on a few isolated occasions. But Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior has cleansed my soul of all transgressions! Praise be to God!”

Shelley Walters: Chicago Union Tribune – “If a woman performs the act of masturbation on a man, like a handjob, should she be considered an accessory to the crime, or the actual perpetrator?”

Rev. Falwell – “I would consider both of them to be guilty in the eyes of our Lord. In all of these cases, there is no degree of guilt, no “gray areas” if you will. They are sinners, and they will burn in hell for the rest of time! They must repent! Turn away from their sinful behavior, and our Lord will accept them with open arms!”

Jeremy Killington: Jacksonville Gazette – “What about the process of nocturnal emissions, also known as wet dreams? You can’t really blame someone for something beyond their control, can you?”

Rev. Falwell – “Well, if there are no more questions, thank you for your time. God bless you all.”

In an attempt to help teenagers avoid the temptation to masturbate, Falwell has funded a program to have sheets of sandpaper implanted into their hands. This way, the act will become something painful and undesirable, and after a period of time the implants can be removed, with no danger of the subject ever wanting to play with themselves again. The Reverend estimates that if his procedures are implemented, our country could be masturbation-free in less than three years.

"I Hate Filling Out This Detailed Search Form"

Written by Jerry Falwell: Easy Target

I signed up for match.com, an online personals site, because I've heard it's a good place to meet hot chicks. Ever since my wife left me for that professional wrestler last year, I've been lonely and need someone to cook for me, clean up around here, and have sex whenever I feel like it [after we're married].

[caption id="attachment_498" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Falwell swears he did not doctor this image"][/caption]

So I registered, filled out my profile and posted a picture - so simple! Then it was time for me to fill out the search form so I could search for the type of person that I wanted to be with. Some of the options were a bit narrow. For example, where is "Aryan" for the ethnicity question? I don't want to be diluting my seed!

Another question I have is on the height section. Is this with or without shoes? My woman wouldn't leave the house, so I want to know how tall she is without them.

None of these women seem to value traditional morals and traditions as much as I'd like. Take this woman whose profile is entitle "littlebtch" for example. She says that she's looking for someone to "bang her silly" and that she's not looking for "commitment or any of that [expletive deleted]". First of all, what is she doing using language like that? Second of all, marriage outside of holy matrimony is just plain wrong!

I don't think that this is going to work out, maybe I'll find a better quality of women over at Yahoo Personals, or Hot or Not. I'll keep you posted.