Letters From the Editor - Bert and Ernie Gay Marrying

Other news organizations print letters to the editor. How boring. The Fake News will instead write letters from the editor. Sometimes these will be to famous people, other times to random normal, unimportant people.

An Open Letter to Sesame Street:

[caption id="attachment_1001" align="alignleft" width="120" caption="Guest Editor: Shirley Hopper, mom, writer for WTFN"][/caption]

I read today that some people want Bert and Ernie to get married. What is our world coming to? Sesame Street is a program that we use to babysit our children and teach them the things that we don’t have time to do anymore. At one point, we were responsible for indoctrinating our children to believe everything we did. Today, with many parents working, we rely increasingly on television programs to teach our children how they should act.

When I was young, I learned that when I entered my house, I should take off my shoes and put on my slippers. Did my dad teach me that? No, he was out with his secretary, but that’s a story for another time. It was Mr. Rogers. He taught me such great lessons not only like the one I just said about the shoes, but also about how you could get away from your problems (like that one day with Mr. Jenkins after school) by just pretending to go to a land with puppets. My land of make-believe didn’t have an old king, but it did have an anthropomorphic sports bra.

Public Television Fails to Make Children Gay, PBS President Resigns

Written by Jake Novak

Stung by a new study that revealed that PBS children’s broadcasting doesn’t make kids want to be gay after all, PBS president Pat Mitchell was forced to resign in disgrace earlier today.

[caption id="attachment_184" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Come on guys, Patty came out of the closet "][/caption]









“I failed in my duty to bring homosexuality to America’s children,” said a tearful Mitchell at a news conference this afternoon, “but I am not giving up my fight for gay values, I’ll just find another venue,” she added.

Experts say PBS’s methods were too subtle to be effective.

“Well, having Ernie and Bert living together and introducing Buster the bunny to that lesbian couple just wasn’t enough,” said child psychologist Dr. Lloyd Flaro, “I mean, they needed more leather, more piercings, maybe even some dildos with Elmo’s face on them… something!”

Other critics say the PBS programming was just too entertaining to work.

“You need to fight fire with fire in this business,” said conservative movie and TV reviewer Michael Medved. “Have you seen the average Church-funded videos for kids? They’re so God-awful they make you willing to do anything to get them to stop. Now, ‘Sesame Street’, ‘Arthur’, geez… even ‘Barney’ are all better than any of those ‘Davey & Goliath’ pieces of crap. Mitchell’s successor needs to lull the kids into submission with something preachy and low budget; like your average episode of ‘Highway to Heaven.’”

Congressional Republicans are using Mitchell’s resignation as a pretext for pulling more funding from PBS, but there’s late word that an anonymous sponsor has pledged to replace any future budget cuts dollar for dollar.

“Our generous sponsor is asking that his name not be revealed, and has only specified that the new funding be recognized as the ‘Neverland Ranch Grant’ from now on,” said a PBS spokesperson.