Conservative Protestors Stage Donkey Punching Parties

Not satisfied with their efforts to, as they put it, "teabag the whitehouse," conservatives upset with President Barack Obama's policies have devised a new strategy to garner media attention: donkey punching.

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On April 15^th, many people held "Tea Parties," where they gathered, waved signs that made anyone associated with the English language cringe, and talked of teabagging.  Some carried signs such as "Teabag the Liberal Dems Before They Teabag You!"  Others planned on dumping large amounts of tea into bodies of water to replicate the Boston Tea Party and provide a little taste of home to any fish that had migrated from English waters and were missing a bit of the ole' Earl Grey.  Unfortunately, park police told the protestors that dumping tea in the water was not allowed.  "Just another example of how the government regulators are keeping us down," said protestor Harry Larrimore.  "Imagine if our founding fathers had to deal with this level of regulation! They would have been stuck signing forms and getting permits instead of protesting."

These teabagging parties received much coverage in the press, although much of it has been focused on the name they chose for their protesting activity. Apparently unbeknownst to the teabaggers, the name they chose to call themselves doubles as a reference to a sex act.  Because of this, much of the media has lampooned their protests, and the teabaggers feel their message is not getting through.

"We decided that we would focus on the antics of the Democrats, how they make us feel, and what we would like to do," said Larrimore.  "We know the symbol of the Democratic Party is a donkey, so we started thinking of donkey piñatas. The Democrats make us so angry that we want to hit them, not literally of course, but figuratively.  We are trying to be more conscious of our image, so we are not using the stick normally used to hit piñatas, but instead are hitting the donkeys with our fist, or donkey punching as we put it.  So far, it's working well, but we have to be careful, because some of our fellow protestors have taken to shooting the donkey."

What if Sarah Palin Gave FDR's Pearl Harbor Speech?

Hi, Mr. Vice President.  Hi, Mr. Speaker.  Hi, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Representatives.  And, Hi, America!

[caption id="attachment_312" align="alignright" width="181" caption="This is Sarah Palin's serious face"][/caption]

Yesterday, December the 7^th, was a pretty crappy day, excuse my language.  For those of you that don't remember, those Japanese people bombed one of our patriotic military bases and attacked a lot of people who are fighting for our freedoms.

Before that, we liked Japan.  They helped us with another vantage point of Russia.

But, get a load of this, America!  After those fighter planes bombed our brave, patriotic men and women protecting our freedoms, a politician from Japan met with our Receptionist of State and gave us a message.  They didn't say anything about the attack!  Can you believe it?

Now, everybody knows that Japan is pretty far from Hawaii.  Imagine how long it would take to drive there!  We know that they must have been cooking this up for quite some time, let me tell you!  While they were doing the planning, they were telling us that they wanted peace.  I don't know about you, but talking about peace while dropping bombs is pretty darn hypocritical.  In Alaska, we would say that the Japanese are talking out both sides of their eyes.

I'm not going to lie to you, we lost a lot of brave Real Americans yesterday.  In addition, we also lost a lot of fine ships.  These ships were in Pearl Harbor and also out in other waters.

They did not just attack us.  They attacked a bunch of other places.

Rupert Murdoch Chooses Karl Rove for "Outrage Czar"

In the new Republican Age of Outrage, it is sometimes difficult for media personalities to keep track of the latest event and its resulting outrage.  Interns at Fox News say they have whiteboards full of constantly changing talking points, which change on a day-by-day basis, sometimes even more frequently.  Starting this Monday, Karl Rove will take over as the "Outrage Czar", a newly created position within Murdoch's companies, which include Fox News, The Weekly Standard, and The Wall Street Journal.

[caption id="attachment_308" align="alignright" width="221" caption="Karl does his imitation of a rooster with a birth defect"][/caption]

Rove will be responsible for coordinating the opposition to the Obama White House, a challenging task.  However, Murdoch thinks that Rove is up to the challenge.  "For a little while, we were trying to keep track of all these different stories and how they interconnected," Murdoch says.  "We had groups of interns working around the clock on our 'consistency squad.'  Then, Karl called me with a brilliant idea.  Forget it!  We only have to be consistent about one thing: blaming Obama.  We fired the 'consistency squad' then ran a story about how Obama was causing job cuts."

Rove explains, "The American people, our viewers especially, have a very short memory, especially for boring things like politics.  They can't and won't follow a long argument about the moral and ethical consequences of enhanced interrogation, but they can follow snappy sound bites like 'torture works and is totally awesome!'  I just took that simplicity and applied it to Obama.  It's a very simple formula: 'Obama did something today, here's how his actions today are destroying America.'"

Some people are concerned America has a finite source of outrage.  Rove disagrees, stating that outrage is a renewable resource and is simply replenished by a night's sleep.  Murdoch agrees.  "Karl's strategy is both simple and brilliant.  Obama does something every day.  With our vast panel of paid experts, we can always find someone to explain how his actions are leading us towards socialism.  One day, an intern accidently wrote 'fascist' instead of 'socialist' on the graphic and we learned another interesting thing.  None of our viewers know the difference."

Obama Awarded Peace Prize for Historic "Beer Summit"

BREAKING:

President Barack Obama has been used to being waken with bad news.  The struggling economy, trouble in the Iraq and Afghanistan, and Glenn Beck's ratings increases are just a few of the early morning news that has sent the President diving back under the covers.  This morning, however, he began the day a vindicated man.  Critics had mercilessly railed against his decision to insert himself into the greatest conflict of our time: the battle between the police and Ivy League intellectuals.  Today, the Nobel Prize committee has rewarded his diplomatic efforts with its annual peace prize.

[caption id="attachment_301" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Karl Rove Follows Beck's Lead"][/caption]

When the President decided to host the "Beer Summit" at the White House, he tried to play it off as nothing, "just a few guys having a beer and talking."  But the responsible media knew the truth.  This was big.  Obama, a diplomatic neophyte seemed to be biting off more than he could chew, or drink.

The historic summit ended with a handshake and a commitment to talk further.  "It is that level of multi-lateral diplomacy that led us to award this prize to President Barack Obama," said Thorbjoern Jagland, chairman of the Nobel Committee.