The Wasteland Diary - Entries 1 through 3

People who don't live in the Northeast have had trouble understanding just how devastating Hurricane Sandy was to the area. The Fake News, through the generosity of Mark Davis, has obtained a diary from one of the survivors. We cannot verify its authenticity, but we present it to you unedited. Here are entries 1-3 (out of 11)

Entry 1: the storms came. Now I am without power or internet. Without the ability to look it up, I can only assume that 80 percent of the population is now dead. The other 20 percent have it even worse with no power or internet. The world is now a bleak place, and I can only hope for my rations to carry me through. At the very least, I hope my phone lasts until nightfall. If all is lost, please let god take me quick and painlessly. I don't know how I'm going to survive this...

Entry 2: I was forced to eat cold cereal this morning instead of my traditional oatmeal. Kids in Africa do not have it this bad. The facebook app on this phone works as well as the typical retail seasonal employee. As of now, I am confined to my room that is only lit by what can only be called non-artificial light. It hurts my eyes. God, please help me through this.

Entry 3: extension cords from the backup generator have been run to my living corridors. With this, life has become more grim. How can one use modern appliances such as a computer or a video game console without the internet? Morale is at an all-time low. I wish I did not have the misfortune of having a backup generator. The end seems near...

*This is clearly (hopefully) meant to satirize those complaining about mild inconveniences, not to trivialize those with serious needs. Please donate to help Hurricane Sandy victims here.

Your Primer for the 2nd Presidential Debate

Tonight, two candidates chosen by millionaires will meet at Hofstra University in an attempt to convince undecided voters to choose them on November 6th. As a valuable public service, here is a primer on what to expect.

Barack Obama:

- Following Joe Biden's successful turn in the debate spotlight, the President will attempt to steal some of that "Biden magic" by wearing Biden's dentures.

- The President will wait until after the debate to take his Ambien.

- Obama is taking a page from Romney's book and has been practicing some "zingers." These include: "That might fly on Planet Kolob, but on Earth we rely on facts." "Bipartisanship is not when you promise both sides what they want." and "I told my daughter Malia about your job plan. Oh, how she laughed."

Mitt Romney

- Expect Romney to announce he is now running as a Democrat.

- Will give thanks to his favorite god, Janus, in his opening statement.

- In an attempt to avoid looking like he is rude, will say "excuse me" while talking over the moderator.

WTF, Google News?

[caption id="attachment_1762" align="alignright" width="385"] Well, if the interwebs says it's true...[/caption]

Every day, ok fine, about ten times a day, I check Google News to see what's happening in the world. Apparently, the people running the service don't see anything wrong with running opinion pieces in the same section as news pieces with no distinction. You can see in the screenshot that an opinion piece with the headline: "Romney, Ryan lack character" is listed under regular news stories.

Now one would imagine that people would read that and realize that the article is an opinion piece. That doesn't absolve Google News from their obligation to say so. This story is more clearly opinion that others that have appeared without an opinion label attached, but those others are more troubling. People who scroll through quickly are going to see these headlines presented in the same way as other, factual ones.

The most frustrating thing is that it can't be a hard fix. Google must not really think it's important. Do you?

The NHL's real priorities: LOCKOUT edition

Pilot pitches for next season

Pilot pitches for next season:

Cupcake Whores: When their business fails, how can they make money when all they know is baking and fondant?

The Red Badge of Narcissism: Bob telecommutes, and after a particularly bad date, decides to only communicate with the outside world through Facebook.

Minaj a Trois: Nicki Minaj plays all three roommates in a sitcom that takes place inside her head.

The NHL lockout in pictures

Free advice for the DNC

As many tweets pointed out last Thursday, Clint Eastwood's discussion with an empty chair was a perfect visualization for this year's Republican campaign. The "Eastwooding" meme spread quickly throughout the internet, giving the Obama campaign a perfect opportunity to capitalize on a pre-existing cultural touchstone.

Here's how.

One of the speeches leading up to President Obama's on Thursday night should be the following. Bring out the empty chair. Address each one of the lies that the Republicans have been telling about Obama's record, then respond with the truth. Here's an example:

"Republicans have been spending millions of dollars on ads that tell you all about a President they invented. You saw Clint Eastwood talking to him a week ago. You can't see him because he doesn't exist. The Republicans know that they can't run against President Obama's real record, so they have invented "Invisible Obama.

"The Republicans will tell you that Invisible Obama cut the work requirements from the welfare programs because he wants welfare recipients to do nothing for their check. That's a lie. The real President Obama worked with governors to allow them to change requirements to INCREASE the ability of welfare recipients to work.

"The Republicans will tell you that Invisible Obama hates the public sector, and has worked to sabotage private sector job growth. That's a lie. Under the real President Obama, job growth in the private sector has increased at a faster rate than it did under President George W. Bush."

And so on, and so on, and so on.

You're welcome.

Why isn't "conservative comedy" funny?

With rare exception (I despise Rush Limbaugh as a person, but some of the parody songs he plays on his show are hilarious), "Conservative comedy" just isn't funny. I think I've figured out why, so here goes.

Ultimately, comedy is based in truth. Comedians see the truth in a way that "normal" people don't. Comedy reveals the underlying truth to people, helping them to accept it by making it funny. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, if you will. Carlin, Hicks, Louis CK, these people expose the dark underbelly of society in a way that is uncomfortable, which is why they need to make it funny. They're not lecturing us, they're letting us in on the secret, making the implicit explicit.

Today's conservative movement is deluded. By conservative movement, I mean the modern GOP, not individual conservatives, many of whom disagree with today's GOP. Look at the number of bald-faced lies made in RNC convention speeches. Several cases can be made for showing Obama the door (although I think they are all invalid if the replacement is the current GOP). If actual arguments exist for their side, why does the GOP continue to invent arguments?

I have theories, but I'll save them for another time.

The reason "conservative comedy" doesn't work is because it's not based on the truth. Hurr Hurr Teleprompter! Any reasonably intelligent person who thinks about a teleprompter joke for a moment sees the lie. Would someone who relies on a teleprompter do well at a debate? Oh, he wouldn't? Then how come Obama outperformed McCain at the debates? Oh...it's bullshit, isn't it?

So, if you want to know why conservative comedy doesn't work, remember that last week, a national party built a convention on an out-of-context statement that anyone with half a brain can see through. A convention built on lies? Congratulations, Republicans. You DID build that.

Sneak peek at next week's DNC

Spinoffs I'd like to see

On the last episode of the great podcast Pop Culture Happy Hour, the panelists discussed potential spinoffs. I made my own list. Please to enjoy.

1. "Troy and Abed in the Morning" - does this need an explanation?

2. "Dharma and Cregg" - Alison Janney's West Wing character takes that billion dollar job offer at the end of the series, but ends up on a mysterious island.

3. "You Again?" - Rob Lowe plays both his character from The West Wing and his character from Parks and Recreation, who discover *SPOILER* they are THE SAME PERSON.

4. "Infinite Jess" - After a relapse into caffeine pill addiction, former Bayside graduate and Rhodes Scholar Jessie Spano becomes a critically-acclaimed author, but will her upper addiction wreck her new career?

5. "Hogwarts and All" - A prequel series to Harry Potter, in which Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore try to teach children magic and morals while dealing with the smoldering sexual tension between them.

 

2001 Amateur Restoration

RNC or Expendables 2?

Apple Kills Star Trek

A while back, my friend asked me to do a voice in a video. Yesterday, it hit the front page of Reddit. Here it is:

 

Never get busted for cheating again

A bit of a change...

I started The Fake News about a decade ago. As time has passed, I have ended up writing less and less news satire and more and more of everything else. So The Fake News will now officially become Jimmywellington.com.

You'll still occasionally see news satire, but this site will become more of a place for multiple forms of humor. Thanks for the support over the years, and I hope this change will lead to an increase in productivity.

You've no doubt noticed the new layout. I figured that a major change should be accompanied by a new look. You'll see more tweaks in the near future. I'm also disabling comments. Each post I make receives hundreds (sometimes thousands) of spam comments. Yes, I use a spam filter, but the signal-to-noise ratio is just about zero.

If you really feel the need to respond to something, send me an email at thefakenews@gmail.com.

Thanks again for the support over the years, and I hope you keep coming back.

- Jimmy

You Didn't Build That!

(This was posted a few weeks ago, but was deleted while troubleshooting)

Mars Curiosity Rover Bites Off More Than It Can Chew

(This was originally posted a while back, but the post was deleted while troubleshooting)

[caption id="attachment_1206" align="alignleft" width="480"] Quick, IDKFA! IDKFARRRRRGHH![/caption]

Christian Fundamentalist Group Proposes New Bible Translation

In 1517, Martin Luther wrote his “Ninety-Five Theses,” setting the stage for the Protestant Reformation. Nearly five centuries later, a small group of revolutionaries are planning to repeat history.

[caption id="attachment_1176" align="alignright" width="300"] We'll tell you what Jesus meant.[/caption]

If you looked at Chris Garrison, you wouldn’t see someone brimming with religious fervor. Appearances can be deceiving, however, as the twenty-one year old is attempting to change the way the Bible is understood.

Garrison is leading a movement seeking to introduce a new translation of the Bible into churches worldwide.

Known as the NFV, or New Fundamentalist Version, this translation attempts to make the teachings of Jesus easier to understand for Christians.

Is "Kevin" a jerk for not standing for the Pledge of Allegiance?

OK, I know this isn’t really “fake news,” but oh well. I’ve been seeing the cartoon pictured here (created by Steve Breen) on quite a few of my friends’ Facebook walls. While at first glance, the message of the cartoon seems like something everyone can get behind, upon further thought, the cartoon is perpetuating several ideas that people believe even though they are not true.

From the comments that inevitably accompany the posting of this cartoon, I’m supposed to think that “Kevin” is an asshole. The artist chose to depict the young man with his feet up on his desk. The problem with this is that while perhaps this young man is not standing to say the pledge because he’s lazy or a prick, this young man is meant to represent anyone who chooses not to stand. So, problem number one is that this cartoon is saying that anyone who doesn’t stand for the pledge is doing so because he’s just being a punk. Since many people who choose not to stand do so for, you know, a reason, Breen commits a classic ‘strawman” fallacy.

 

Secondly, regardless of the reason that Kevin refuses to stand, which I’ll get to in a minute, the teacher points out that Kevin is acting within his rights. In West Virginia State Bd. of Educ. v. Barnette, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that students could not be compelled to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance. The teacher’s subtext here is “I am going to publicly shame you for choosing to exercise your rights.” If the marine protected the student’s right to stay seated, isn’t the student choosing to exercise this right a validation of the marine’s sacrifice? If the marine is upset, perhaps he had a different motivation. You can’t say you’re defending someone’s rights, then become upset when they exercise those rights that you defended. Free speech protection does not protect speech which the majority agrees, because that would be superfluous. It protects unpopular speech.

Happy hockey day!