A four-man Navy SEAL Team led by 12 year old Jason McDermott captured an Iraqi oil platform yesterday, striking a major military and economic blow to the crumbling regime.
[caption id="attachment_239" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Video of the onslaught"]
[/caption]According to independent sources, this was the forty-third time McDermott and his team had attempted the mission. Previous attempts had failed, according to the commander because: "Dude, it's a fucking hard mission, ok?"
McDermott, whose SEAL Team code name is "Kahuna", led the team into battle, or to be more accurate, hid behind large metal beams while fellow team members "Jester" and "Spectre" silently eliminated all enemy threats.
Demonstrating classic officer leadership, CDR McDermott then rushed inside, hoisted an American flag, and announced to Headquarters that he - that is the team - had captured the platform.
"It wasn't a total success, " said the team leader. "Jester and Spectre didn't live to the end of the mission. I guess I thought they could handle 20 enemies. Maybe I overestimated their abilities. My bad."
The death of his teammates wasn't the only obstacle that McDermott had to overcome.
His "Able" group partner, "Boomer", seemed to have trouble differentiating between the command "hold fire", and the similar sounding "fire erratically with the loudest weapon you have and fuck everything up".
McDermott's valor did not go unnoticed, according to the SEAL HQ's unnamed spokeswoman. The leader received the coveted "green and white medal with a star" It was his 35th time receiving the award.
Even though the SEALs have a long-standing tradition that no member, alive or dead, is left behind, McDermott boldly renounced that policy, leaving Spectre and Jester's lifeless bodies out in the open, where they will most likely be picked apart by birds.
The commander explained that it would have taken him "at least 3 or 4 minutes" to carry them to the extraction point. I received some intel from a source - known to me as M.O.M., that dinner was ready, and I didn't have enough time."
Amazingly, the two slain commandos were fully recovered in time for the team's next mission, rescuing a key informant - Codename: Mr. Pickle.
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