In the aftermath of the $26B judgement against Phillip Morris, the amount of frivolous lawsuits has seen a dramatic increase. What might be the most ridiculous is the $50B lawsuit filed by John Mager, a psychologist from Albany. Dr. Mager has filed suit against Mr. Hugh Hefner and the Playboy corporation for their involvement in the loss of his penis last Friday.
Dr. Mager tells his side of the story: "I had just gotten my new cable package, which included the Playboy channel. I was interested in learning more about the programs that they offer, since the articles in their print magazine [Playboy Magazine] are so informative and well-written. I was surprised to find out that there is no news programs, none of the famous interviews that I'm used to reading, but rather and endless parade of young, nubile, well-endowed women frolicking around naked. While I like to watch naked women as much as any red blooded male, I have to say I was disappointed."
When asked to get to the fucking point of his story, he told us "the problem started when I settled down for a night in front of the tube. There was no informative or intelligent programming on, so I decided to turn the television off and curl up with a new book I had just bought. I pressed the "channel up" button instead of the "off" button I was attempting to press, and I ended up on the Playboy channel."
"Upon seeing the Tiffany Taylor special, I had to masturbate. I'm sorry, but I'm only human and that brown haired minx had me from the first frame. So I got out the hand lotion and the tissues and prepared to have a grand old time. However, after the first time I "finished" and cleaned up, I saw the Anna Nicole Smith [before she was a fat cow] special. Needless to say, my hand won out and I had already masturbated to completion before I was able to stop myself. After 32 consecutive specials, my little guy was beginning to look a bit chafed and appeared to be in need of treatment. When I got up, my engorged penis banged into the end table, causing it to begin throbbing. I went to get an ice bag and that's when the real trouble started."
Upon regaining consciousness, he realized with a shock that he had passed out with the ice bag on his genitals. His penis had become severely frostbitten, turning black. He plunged his member into a tub of warm water, where the sudden change in temperature caused it to fall off into the tub. Understandably frightened, he passed out on the floor and was not discovered until two days later by his wife, coming home from a business trip.
Doctors were not able to re-attach the penis, due to the extended period of time that it was separated from its owner.
The fifty billion dollar lawsuit claims that Hefner and his corporation "willfully and deliberately ran 24 consecutive hours of their most erotic programs, knowing full well that the average American heterosexual male would not be able to resist that kind of continuous assault on the eyes."
Hefner had this to say in his defense: "If he couldn't handle it, he shouldn't have watched it. Just because it's there, doesn't mean that it HAS to be viewed. I can masturbate continuously for 48 straight hours, I don't know what his problem is. I guess he's just not man enough."
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