Armed Robbers Steal Priceless Finger Painting "The Doggie" From Unguarded Refrigerator

Written by Jimmy Wellington

(Milford, CT) - Residents of Milford, CT are fearful after a brazen daylight heist of priceless finger paintings from a local kitchen. Eyewitnesses said they saw two armed men running away from the scene shortly after the robbery was reported.




Five year old finger painting prodigy Michael Wallace donated the paintings to his family refrigerator last week, and people have been coming from as far away as three blocks over to admire his precocious talent.

"He's just so talented, that boy is," says 85 year old neighbor Laura Wilkerson. "He comes over once a week and gives me a new painting. I give him a Werther's Original and a quarter. I think it's obvious who's making out in that deal."

Pinocchio Becomes Real Boy, Sues Michael Jackson

Editor's Note: This classic story was originally published in August 2004

Written by Jake Novak

(Rome, Italy) Achieving a life-long dream, the wooden puppet Pinocchio turned into a true flesh and blood boy today and immediately announced his intentions to sue pop star Michael Jackson for molestation.

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"Now that I'm a real boy, I can finally get some recourse for the years of abuse I've suffered at the hands of Michael Jackson," said a tearful Pinocchio at a news conference arranged outside his home in a quiet section of Rome. "Maybe my suffering will help stop other boys, both real and puppet, from being hurt by a man who hides behind his fame," he added.

Pinocchio's lawyers offered reporters detailed information about the alleged abuse.

"Mister Jackson lured Pinocchio to the Neverland Ranch with promises of candy and amusement park rides, but things rapidly deteriorated from there. In fact, we have evidence that Mister Jackson intentionally encouraged Pinocchio to lie so his nose would grow longer... something that was used for a myriad of vile sexual reasons," said Raul Felder, a civil lawyer working with the plaintiff.

Court's Annulment of Gay Marriages Frees Wife of Rosie O'Donnell

Written by Jake Novak

(San Francisco, CA) - The California State Supreme Court's decision to annul thousands of gay and lesbian marriages performed this year means Kelli Carpenter finally has a long-awaited ticket to freedom from being married to Rosie O'Donnell.

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"Oh screw the fight for gay rights, if it could get me away from that loud-mouthed fat bitch, I'd vote for Jerry Falwell" said a jubilant Carpenter outside the New York City townhouse she shared with O'Donnell and their four adopted children. "I mean when we first met, I I thought she was kind of cute in a butch sort of way, and she bought me everything I ever wanted, but there's butch and then there's BUTCH. I'm a lesbian, but if I wanted to sleep with a Mack Truck, I would have stuck with my first boyfriend from 8th grade," she added.

Friends of the couple say Carpenter had been trying to get away from O'Donnell for years, but the failed talk show host and movie actress kept dragging her across the world on gay cruises and trips to political rallies.

"The time just never seemed right," said one friend who wanted her name kept secret to avoid being attacked, or eaten, by O'Donnell. "I mean when you're at some rally talking about how lesbians deserve marriage rights, it's pretty hard to just walk out," she added.

American Corporations Lining Up For Prime Advertising Space on Israeli Wall

When the Israelis announced their plans to build a large wall protecting them from the Palestinians, many claimed that it was outrageous. But American corporations saw a golden opportunity.

"Where else can you find a canvass so big on which to paint your tasteful, yet bold marketing strategy?", said a spokesman for the men's magazine Penthouse.

Israeli leaders have been worried about where they would get the money for the monumental project, but apparently the answer lies in good old capitalism.

Interestingly enough, German based corporation Volkswagen has paid the most for advertising space, a fact which angered many Israelis, although they were pacified by finding out that the cost for the wall would not have to come out of their pockets. To the consternation of some older Israelis, according to the agreement, they would have to wear small, golden VW symbols on their clothes.

Israel announced that they would build the wall as a protection against terrorist attacks by Palestian terror groups. Palestians counter that the wall violates their inherent right to drive up to a group of Israeli school children and blow themselves up. The ACLU has been meeting with Palestinian leaders about a possible appeal to the UN.